Why inciting arousal can be tricky

Wildy divergent needs
Spicing things up is where sexual desire gets complicated, because men and women are wholly different sexual creatures with wildly divergent needs. For most men, of course, sex is all about orgasms: it's culturally imbued in them to desire sex, and they possess a superb feedback device for letting them know when they're in the mood.

Yet most women have been conditioned to regard sex as more sensual, with sexual satisfaction often attainable without orgasm, and the desire for orgasms often reliant upon sensual needs being met first. As such, women are far more likely then men to emphasize psychological satisfaction in their sexual relationships. "There are just so many variables that go beyond the physical in sex for women," says Dr. Janice Epp, a clinical sexologist at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. "They want to be treated as equals, to be treated respectfully, to not be angry. Without all that women are not interested in sex."

There are also a host of external nuisances that weigh heavily upon sexual desire — and that may dampen the mood. Studies routinely rank American culture as one of the most sexually repressed in the world thanks to its forbidding Judeo-Christian origins, high incidence of sexual problems and dysfunction, and lingering tight-lipped discomfort with the very topic of sex.

The rise of feminism added its own share of wrinkles as changing gender roles revealed women to have greater sexual capacity than men. After all, unlike the wham-bam-snore capabilities of men, women can go not only go all night if they want to, but have more powerful orgasms: six to ten contractions on average, versus four to six contractions for the guys. "When it comes to sexual capacity, men are wimps," says Dr. Robert Hatfield, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist at the University of Cincinnati, who notes that many men are now confused about their roles in the sack. "Over the past 15 years I've notice a shift with my patients, with most of the 'I'm-not-in-the-mood' complaints now coming from men."

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Add to all of this the cramping workaday demands of modern day, and it's little wonder the search for aphrodisiacs continues. "I see a lot of highly evolved, highly skilled people who are losing desire because they have such an overriding focus on their profession," says Epp, who works in Silicon Valley. "For them, the temptation to believe that there's a magic pill that will make them desirous of sex again is very strong."

Inspired by the phenomenal success of Viagra, which rang up $1.7 billion in sales for Pfizer in 2002, its perhaps not surprising that there has been a recent push to find a pharmaceutical remedy for flagging sexual desire in both genders. It's a focus that throws many in the sex field into apoplexy. "The idea that you can just give someone a pill and they'll be interested in sex is like putting a band-aid on a tumor," says Epp.

In the end, the only truly effective aphrodisiac seems to be that's been working for humans all along. "Your biggest sex organ is the one between your ears," says Dr. Granzig. "What is desire, after all, than the hope that you can fulfill your sexual fantasies. And that's all in your mind."

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