Severus Snape: One teacher’s hero

So Blue Cross and Blue Shield might not want to have much to do with Snape, and I suspect he prefers it that way. Snape is not what you would call a “people person”; he is more of a That Guy At the End Of the Bar who sinks into the same Scotch on the rocks for four hours and won’t smile and won’t dance and won’t play pool or even boo at the refs screwing up the Notre Dame game. The man is a brooder, and more power to him. Teachers who brood rarely receive repeat customers on Parent-Teacher Conference night (“Your Billy is a full-blown moron, I’m afraid, and deserves nothing less than spontaneous combustion … are you crying?  Fifty points from Gryffindor!”) I doubt Snape has many visitors during office hours, and that … is totally okay with him. More time to sharpen the kitten-poking sticks.

This is not to say that Snape doesn’t care about his students’ education, in a sarcastic, uncheerful, I-hate-you fashion. He’ll even save a life here and there, as long as you don’t try to hug him or talk to him or walk within a five-mile radius of him afterwards. 

But why all the hatin’, Snape?  Fan speculation includes the usual psychological analysis: Bad childhood, massive crush on Harry Potter’s mother, massive hatred for Harry Potter’s father, wound up with Brett Favre as his starting quarterback in the Hogwarts office fantasy league.

I say it’s something far more painful and obvious: The poor man has greasy hair. You just can’t live happily like that. Invest in some Pantene Pro-V, Severus. You’ll feel better in the morning, sun or no sun.

Freelance writer and teacher Mary Beth Ellis runs www.BlondeChampagne.com, which is crammed with examples of what a fantastic teacher she is, including the time she informed an entire roomful of students that if people did not start bringing their textbooks to class, they would fail her course and out of the university and never get a job and wander the Earth licking Tootsie Pop wrappers for sustenance, forever.

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