Help! I feel like a totally ineffective parent

Dr. Ruth Peters TODAY contributor • Profile • E-mail

Q: My kids, 9 and 11 years old, are driving me nuts! I try to be consistent, patient and understanding, but sometimes they're so persistent that I lose it and yell, nag or even threaten to send them to my mother’s house to live! Of course they know I wouldn’t really send them to Grandma’s, but it seems they don’t respect my decisions or believe me when I set a consequence. I hadn't been consistent when they were younger (I had a hectic work schedule and felt so beat by evening that I usually gave in to their demands). But now, I’m home by 3 p.m. and should be able to be more on top of things. What do you suggest?

A: It’s often difficult to change the way you approach your children, but it’s never too late to actually turn things around in your household. Sure, being more consistent with them when they were younger would have set the stage for complying with your guidelines, limits or rules, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t become more consistent and effective in your parenting style now. Let’s take a look at some of the most common disciplinary mistakes that parents seem to make, the effect that these have on your kids, and what you can do about them.

When maybe really means no
One of the most frequent disciplinary mistakes that I see parents make is trying to side-step an issue with their children by saying maybe or perhaps when they absolutely know that they will not or cannot comply with the request. Why do we do this? Well, to buy time, that’s why!  Most folks do not like disappointing their kids, or having to endure a barrage of nagging, whining and pleading. At the moment, they will do just about anything to avoid saying no, and that’s when the fun begins. It really only buys them a few minutes or maybe hours, as children who can’t remember to brush their teeth never forget when you’ve said maybe to a request. It’s just a fact of kid human nature; it’s nothing that you’ve done wrong. Parents want to avoid a fuss and kids want what they want when they want it. Pure and simple. 

The effective way to handle it:
If you want your children to tone down the nagging, muster the guts to say no when you really mean no, take the flack for a minute and then describe the negative consequences that will occur if they don’t knock it off! If they calm down … great. But if they don’t they will lose privileges for their misbehavior.

When no may really mean yes
Then there’s the parental mind set that drives kids nuts — when their requests are automatically denied with a definite and resounding no from a parent who really hasn’t even processed it. As soon as Mom or Dad hears “Hey, can we…..?” you say no without really listening to the request. It’s almost as if you’re on auto-pilot and even if the kid asked for something reasonable, you’ve denied it without hearing the child out. Of course, that method doesn’t sit well with the troops, as they feel that you don’t listen nor care about their feelings, wants and desires.

The effective way to handle it:
Listen… Think it over… And then answer the child. If you really can’t give a yes or a no at that moment, then tell your son or daughter, “I need some time to think about that or to ask your father what he wants to do. We’ll let you know right after dinner.” If the child fusses about needing an answer immediately, let him or her know that the answer will be no if they insist on an immediate response. Also state that there’s a decent chance that, given time to think, plan and check your schedule, you really may be able to comply. Then it’s the child’s choice as to whether to get smart and give you the time to think (and maybe go along with the request) or to push you into a knee-jerk no since you haven’t been able to take a breath and consider all possibilities. Most kids feel good about waiting for an answer if you give them a definite time by which you will get back to them.

Only on TODAY.MSNBc.com! Dr. Ruth Peters addresses questions about how best to bring up children. LAST COLUMN: Can my little boy invite a girl for a sleepover? GO TO ALL PARENTING WEEKENDS COLUMNS

When yelling is your first reaction
Have you turned into the screamer that you always said you’d never be? Do you reprimand loudly as a knee-jerk reaction to your child’s rudeness or misbehavior? Or, do you say things that, the minute they’re out of your mouth, you regret having said? Well, join the club, as many parents find themselves behaving in ways toward their children that they are embarrassed to admit. Kids have a way of pushing our hot buttons, and some children are pros at it! But that doesn’t negate the negative effects that screaming, reprimanding in a nasty tone of voice, or calling kids names (stupid, irresponsible, lazy) have upon your child’s self-esteem. Hurtful comments can be apologized for, but they are never really forgotten, or forgiven. Children become resentful when they are screamed at, and rarely is this an effective way of getting your child’s attention or changing their behavior.

The effective way to handle it:
Although it may seem easier at the moment to yell at the kid, or to call him lazy or irresponsible (even if his actions are lazy or irresponsible), please don’t give in to the urge. As an adult you do have control over what comes out of your mouth, but it may not always be easy to exert that control. If you see that you are becoming a screamer, work at stopping yourself as you feel your blood beginning to boil. You know the feeling, when you just want to blow your top because once again, grape juice has been spilled on the carpet and you’ve told the kids at least a million times not to take it out of the kitchen. Screaming at them obviously doesn’t work, or the juice rule (“only in the kitchen”) would be followed.

Count to 10, take a trip to the bathroom and wash your face, or have the child go into time-out while you decide what to do.  The consequence may be that your daughter will have to try to clean up the mess, donate money to rent a carpet cleaner, or do extra chores that weekend while you steam clean the rug. Or, if you’re using a behavior management system (which I highly recommend to all families), give the child demerits, and the misbehavior may result in the loss of all privileges that day and the daily allowance.

If you absolutely can’t come up with a consequence that makes sense at the moment, tell your child that there will be a significant negative event happening later that day, but that you’ll get back to her after dinner with the verdict. Buying time gives you the space to cool off, lets the kid stew about the possible consequences, and you won’t have to resort to ineffective yelling or name-calling. Remember, if yelling really worked with children, we wouldn’t resort to screaming at our kids often, since it would change their behavior. As it usually doesn’t work (children become immune to screamers), you’re wasting your time and your vocal chords, stressing yourself out unnecessarily, and making yourself feel guilty since your behavior is somewhat out of control.

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