HotmailWill a threesome hurt my marriage?
Dr. Gail Saltz offers advice about acting on this common fantasy, and how bringing a third party into the bedroom might impact a marriage
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Q. I recently married my second husband and am the happiest I have ever been. I am much more sexual with this man than I have ever been with anyone. My question is a bit embarrassing but I just need to know. I am fantasizing more than ever and am contemplating fulfilling a fantasy with my husband. This is not a joke. Is it destructive to a marriage to engage in a threesome?
A. Yes, it is. Fantasize all you want — but engaging in a threesome is almost guaranteed to damage your marriage.
You say you are feeling more sexual than before. In many ways those feelings tie in with your question. Having a threesome or group sex is an extremely common fantasy.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a fantasy. Think, talk, pretend all you want. And it’s great that you feel so uninhibited with your new husband. But action is far different from fantasy. I advise you not to act on this behavior.
If you bring a third party into the bedroom, it’s impossible to prevent jealousy, embarrassment, possessiveness and a slew of other human emotions from creeping in.
Think about whether you really want to observe your husband having sex with another woman. This image will be seared into your memory. You will know what his face looks like during this act — and what if it looks ecstatic or enthralled?
How will you feel if she is better in bed than you? If he prefers her to you? If he thinks about her rather than you? If he continues wanting a threesome with her while you feel inadequate in comparison? What if one of you wants to keep having a threesome and the other doesn’t? You’re starting down a slippery slope of potentially endless problems.
Your note doesn’t mention whether you wish to have a threesome with a male or female, but both are equally destructive. Suppose you are surprised to find you crave another man instead of your husband.
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Also, people have the potential to be attracted to both sexes, even though attraction to a member of the same sex doesn’t make you gay. You may find yourself attracted to an added female, something that is threatening to your husband and confusing for you.
If your focus is to maintain the marriage you are so happy in, you must understand that a marriage is a pair bond. That means it’s between two people. Adding an occasional third only weakens this, creating a pull in a different direction.
Sure, there is a thrill to newness and to forbidden sexual acts. If the threesome fantasy is stirring your juices, I recommend you try new and different things. Wear sexy lingerie, buy a sex toy, play French maid, try new positions in new places at new times of day. Do these things with your husband — as long as it is just the two of you.
Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: There are plenty of things you can do to expand your sexual horizons that do not include a third wheel. Fantasize away about a threesome — but it’s invariably destructive to a marriage to actually engage in one.
Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” Her latest book, "Amazing You! Getting Smart About Your Private Parts" (Penguin), helps parents deal with preschoolers' questions about sex and reproduction. Her first book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” was published in 2004 by Riverhead Books. It is now available in a paperback version. For more information, you can visit her Web site, www.drgailsaltz.com.
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