Bah, humbug! Holiday traditions we hate

Linus had it right back in 1965, when "A Charlie Brown Christmas" debuted. The wiry-haired "Peanuts" guy moaned about the commercialism of the holiday way back when, bemoaning the rise of fake trees. (His sister, Lucy, had no such qualms, urging Charlie Brown to "Get the biggest aluminum tree you can find ... maybe painted pink.")

Things have only gotten worse in the 40 years since then. Stores start hanging tinsel shortly after they take down their Fourth of July bunting. Newspapers are careful to be inclusive, wishing everyone not Merry Christmas, but Happy Holidays, even on Dec. 25. Companies have no idea how to deal with a minefield of religious sentiments, so they muck things up with generic parties when their employees would really prefer a bonus or a few extra vacation days instead.

Still, whether you celebrate Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, or "Seinfeld's" Festivus, there can be a magic to the season. We don't deny that, but we'd like to get back to the magic by clearing out a bunch of the holiday traditions we hate. Take a big, cleansing breath and read along.

Office holiday parties
In this era of cost efficiency (shutting down half the elevators) and flex time (50-hour weeks), how have holiday office parties survived the chopping block? Not that coworkers don’t know how to party, but few traditions reek more of quaint 1950s social graces than blowing a wad of cash so we can knock back whiskey sours and gossip about which secret couple is going to reveal themselves after the DJ turns up the Buster Poindexter CD. These parties might have been novel in the three-martini lunch era, but modern offices are stress-inducing, lawsuit-happy environments. Why augment that with booze, Secret Santas (see below), conga lines and ticky-tack decorations so generic (in accordance with Corporate Policy 932.A.16) they can’t possibly offend anyone—even that guy who hands out Solstice cards. While I like to raise a glass or two with my fellow working schlubs, the far kinder gesture would be a few extra hours, and a few extra bucks, for us to arrange our own holiday cheer. Though it’s not impossible to pull off a great holiday office bash, it’s damn hard. So why bother? Uh, note to my boss: You never read this.    —Jon Bonné

Secret Santas
There’s nothing that fills me with more Christmas dread than the horrible office tradition of the Secret Santa, wherein some way too perky (and usually holiday-sweater-attired) office minion comes around with a hat, asks you to draw a name from it and purchase a gift for that person for under $20. Does it make me a scrooge that I don’t want to think about what Joe, the nondescript guy who I’ve exchanged maybe three words with, wants for Christmas? And, yes, I will actually think about it for maybe a minute before trudging down to Barnes & Noble and buying him the requisite gift card (hoping that he’s not the type to use it for a book by John Grisham). I’ll see his bored smile and slight shrug on opening it and feel yet more Christmas cheer. And in return, I will oooh and aahh over the reindeer toe-socks that I receive from my Secret Santa. And maybe I’ll even keep them in my drawer for a year, before finally surrendering them to Goodwill.     —Paige Newman

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