Is living with a new mate healthy for your kids?

Dr. Ruth Peters TODAY contributor • Profile • E-mail

Boy, did I get blasted last week by several readers responding to my column “Should my boyfriend discipline my kids?” Shame on me was the general consensus — not so much for suggesting that the mother listen to her boyfriend’s point of view in regard to her sons, but more so for not dealing with the fact that she was engaged in an ongoing relationship for several years without the commitment of marriage. Okay, so let’s take a look at what these folks really wanted to get off their chests:

Q: Is it okay for a parent to engage in a live-in relationship without the commitment of marriage while there are minor children living in the home?

A: Take a gander at what some of my readers thought about this idea (even though it wasn’t central to the original question):

From Austin, Texas:  “… My advice to the mom is for her to grow up and get a backbone and make some hard decisions as to her relationship with her boyfriend (either get married or break up) as it relates to her boys’ emotional, mental and physical well-being.”

And, from Jacksonville, Florida: “… unless he is willing to accept responsibility for a family and put a ring on her finger, he should have no legal or moral right in disciplining or raising those kids.”

Finally, from Port St. Lucie, Florida: “Boyfriends do not discipline. They come and go. Marriage allows a woman to share a child’s upbringing with a man.”

And so on and so forth. Although the boyfriend may or may not have been living in the home (in fact, the original email suggested not), folks who responded to my column appeared to overwhelmingly advocate marriage.

And, so do I. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that if minor children are residing in the home, adults living together should be married. And, forget this “engagement” stuff that seems to be the cop-out of the new millennium. I can’t tell you the number of couples I’ve seen who seem to feel that a ring on the finger makes it a-okay to live together and share a bedroom, while the kids try to figure out what’s really going on.

Face it folks, playing house is for singles only, when children aren’t in the mix and only adults can get hurt.  Engagements come and go, and even though it may look more appropriate or feel more enduring, it’s not necessarily so.  It’s only a ring.

Granted, taking a vow and making a commitment in front of family, friends and the community is certainly not a guarantee of permanence, but it’s usually accomplished (especially the second time around) only after significant thought and planning, with an awareness of the moral and legal significance that the institution of marriage brings.

Why my obsession with marriage when kids are in the picture? Well, for starters, children of divorce have already witnessed the demise of at least one relationship, and having Mom or Dad “live together” with a new partner may seem more of an arrangement rather than a family. Kids are astute observers and may be less trusting, and therefore less involved, with a new parent figure when he or she is not married to the biological parent.

Second, it can be downright embarrassing to introduce a teacher or a buddy to Mom’s live-in boyfriend, rather than to a stepfather. This can be a very sensitive issue, especially in smaller towns and cities where folks’ living arrangements often become fodder for dinner-table conversations on a slow news day!

Only on TODAY.MSNBc.com! Dr. Ruth Peters addresses questions about how best to bring up children. LAST COLUMN: Can my little boy invite a girl for a sleepover? GO TO ALL PARENTING WEEKENDS COLUMNS

Third, and perhaps most important, marriage tends to foster discussions of and determinations regarding financial contributions, household maintenance duties, discipline issues and child-rearing responsibilities. Who will take off of work to bring a sick child to the pediatrician’s office? Which adult will supervise the before-school chaos in order to get the kids to the bus on time, hopefully with breakfast eaten and teeth brushed, and who will check the homework and book bags before bedtime? Sure, couples who do not marry and engage in a living-together arrangement can make schedules and do a great job with child-rearing responsibilities. But, the formality of marriage tends to foster consideration of these responsibilities in a more proactive manner, rather than a dependence upon a subtle evolution of responsibilities over time.

As I stated in last week’s article, I don’t believe marriage to be necessary for a boyfriend or girlfriend to assist or comment upon a child’s behavior and to offer suggestions for improvement. However, when it comes to living together, which involves financial, supervisory, moral and legal commitments, my money is on marriage.

Copyright ©2005 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved. Dr. Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to the “Today” show. Her most recent book, “Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” is published by Rodale. (See excerpts here.) For more information you can visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

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