Covering your assets in a divorce

State differences
Remember that divorce is governed by state law, and some details may differ from state to state. There can be great variation in interpretation or application of the law among judges in the same courthouse, so ask around about temperament, attitudes toward men and women, joint custody, alimony or moving to another state with the children.

Most attorneys will be reluctant to disqualify a judge, because they'll be back tomorrow with other cases. But if you have good reason to believe a judge can't be fair in your case — and you've got to nail it down because mere feelings won't cut it — insist that your attorney file the needed papers to get your case transferred to another court.

If your attorney promises an outcome, it's time to get new representation. No one can be certain how a judge will rule, and a competent attorney will tell you only what's been done in other cases and discuss likely outcomes.

Remember that your attorney is an advocate — not your friend or confidant. Most attorneys don't want to hear the gory details.

Getting nasty is expensive, and it's nastiness — not division of property — that leads to attorney's fees hitting $100,000 or more in what should be a simple case. Estimates on the average cost of a divorce in the U.S. range from $15,000 to $30,000.

"To avoid high attorney's bills, learn how to listen to your former spouse and learn how to woo that person," Comparetto says. "Think back to when you first dated — you listened to what each other said. The marriage failed, in part, because the couple stopped listening to each other. Listening is harder in divorce, especially if one or both parties is angry. Find a way to listen, because it will lessen the pain and keep the final bill down."

Think what you want in the divorce. For most, the answer is simple: out of a dead relationship.

Most men want regular contact with their children, but few want to be the custodial parent. If the kids are going to live with their mother, she needs money to raise them and may need money to cover her expenses until she returns to work. Two people who once loved each other and love the children shouldn't have any trouble figuring this out.

Of course, divorce is rarely that simple. Comparetto says divorce consumes about 60% of the time in civil court and has become a multibillion-dollar industry complete with shrinks, mediators, accountants and, for those who insist on being nasty to the nth degree, private detectives. The matrimonial law work alone is a staggering $28 billion-per-year industry.

"I no longer handle divorce," Comparetto says. "I saw the whole system turn good people bad."

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