The rules of engagement

Brian Alexander • E-mail

Before I get to the sex, here’s a quote from a doctor’s letter to a well-known medical journal: “For years, nurses … have told me that no other clinician in my multi-specialty group regularly washes his or her hands before touching patients, that none ever washes pens or pencils, and that no one has ever been seen to clean his or her stethoscope parts, which are often in contact with ill patients’ skin — all this despite a nontrivial body of published research supporting the necessity of such practices…”

Doctors know they are supposed to wash their hands. They’re doctors! You don’t even need a pricey med school education to know you should wash up. Mothers nag kids about it every day.

So what good is it going to do me to badger you about the results from the Zogby/MSNBC.com survey on sexual risk-taking? Far too few people use a condom when they should. They boink people they barely know. They don’t talk about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Look, I get how it happens. Really. There you are, having a drink, and there she is, a pretty stranger, smiling. You chat. Where did that third round of gin and tonics come from? Never mind. She’s cute and getting cuter, and the next thing you know you are standing outside her place hearing, “Don’t leave, come up.” And you without a raincoat. You think about this for half a second, then decide the fact you aren’t sure whether her name is Arlene or Darlene (or is it Marlene?) is less important than not looking like a sissy weenie and having to go home to watch amateur tornado videos on the Weather Channel.

We’re all human. So instead of a lecture, we here at Sexploration will share our four-step system for how to avoid this situation in the future.

1. Stop drinking
The poll shows that “more than 60 percent of those who agree that they do drink alcohol, report having unprotected sex while under the influence of alcohol.” Surprised? Me neither.

One of my all-time favorite studies was conducted in Scottish bars by researchers from the University of Glasgow. Researchers presented drinkers with color photographs of people. And guess what? Those who drank thought members of the opposite sex in the pictures were more attractive then those who didn’t drink.

Well, duh, right? Like frat boys say, “Dude, drink 'till she’s cute.”

But here’s where it gets interesting. “The likelihood of intentions to engage in risky sex increases as the facial attractiveness of the potential sexual partner increases,” the study authors wrote. In other words, even without booze, the hotter the other person, the more willing people are to throw caution to the wind. And since booze makes EVERYBODY of the opposite sex look more attractive, you can see the potential for trouble when all the Waldos in a bar start looking like Tyson Beckford.

So try nursing that drink. Or after your first one, order a tonic water with a lime and call it a gin and tonic. Keep your wits about you.

2. Do not judge the cover
Both men and women have told me they can tell if a potential snuggle bunny “looks clean.” One guy said the woman who gave him herpes was “really fit and healthy” so he didn’t see the need for a condom.

Huh?! People with STDs do not necessarily look like they live in a van down by the river.

Lawyers, doctors, journalists, ministers, nice people, terrible people, carpenters, factory workers and athletes all get STDs. 

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