Discuss social issues or concerns with your child

The glad-hander
Some kids are destined to become leaders, politicians and the life of the party, and these youngsters often find socializing to be an easy and carefree activity. They have lots of friends in classes, at P.E., and throughout the hallways at school. They don’t worry about who to sit with at lunch, in fact, they yak too much and give their teachers gray hairs with their fooling around in the classroom, passing notes, and cracking up their classmates with their funny jokes. If this is your child, you may have to have a firm discussion about the difference between being a fun, good student with lots of friends whom the teachers respect vs. the class clown whose mission is to entertain and not to learn.  Let your child know that if notes come home about misbehavior, there will be serious consequences (affecting weekend privileges, allowance, electronics usage, clothing allowance, bedtime) to face at home.

The shy or anxious child
Many children, though, are concerned about not fitting in with others.  All too soon, even by second grade in many schools, cliques are forming. The shy or somewhat socially anxious or awkward child may already be worrying about not fitting in, having someone to eat lunch with or not being picked for teams at P.E. Talk with your child about ways to pick out classmates who were kind and friendly in previous years to buddy up with during the first week of school this year. Offer some fool-proof things to say to others that can’t possibly be laughed at (the shy child’s largest concern): “What did you do over the summer?” “Did you read the new Harry Potter book?” Hey, that’s a really nice shirt, where’d you get it?  “Oh, I like your haircut — it looks great!”. Some children need ice-breakers and they may not be quick enough on their feet to come up with them.  Role-play these possibilities so that your child will have some statements at the ready to use during awkward moments in that critical first week when cliques are beginning to form.

Also talk to your child (especially those in middle or high school) about how it’s probably best to “settle” for a less popular, but more kind and friendly, clique of kids.  It’s not fun always wondering whether the phone will ring or feeling that you’re the one having to constantly do the inviting — kids want reciprocation from friends, and I’ve found that a less popular group with similar interests as your child (drama, sports, band, honors classes) is often a genuinely better fit. Your socially anxious or awkward child deserves true friends that he or she can count on, and certainly doesn’t need the cruel drama of constantly trying to fit in with the popular crowd.

Involvement with school and extracurricular activities:

Over-involvement
It’s great when your child enjoys the school environment and wants to be in Key Club, sports teams, drama, band, newspaper or Students Against Drunk Drivers.  All of these are good activities that promote self-confidence and teach leadership skills, as well as help the community. But there is a limit.  I know, I know, it’s tough to grab a tiger by the tail and set limits, especially when the kid is involved in good things. My general rule of thumb is that if the kid can pull it off (meaning continuing to achieve good grades, get a decent amount of sleep, truly enjoys the activities and her schedule does not drive the family nuts) then it’s okay to continue. 

However, if any of these begin to fall short, then something has to give.  Discuss with your child what is the most demanding of these activities and whether that can be compromised or altered. If not, then perhaps it can be deleted from the schedule this semester or year, and resumed when he or she is less stressed, or your schedule is more flexible.  Many families with two or more children find that they have to limit after-school activities to only one per child. Remember, having dinner together (at home, and not via the drive-through window), some down time playing a board game or just some time to relax each night is great for the family soul!

Under-involvement
The opposite can occur, however, if your child is a bit of a slug and just wants to come home, bang out the homework and then couch- or mouse-potato for the remainder of the day. That child needs exercise, skill development and some community service to see how it feels to help others rather than being self-absorbed or addicted to the television, video games or instant messaging friends on the Internet. Many parents have had to issue the declaration that “You will be involved in at least one after-school activity each semester — it could be Youth Group, a recreational or school sports team, or some type of lesson.”  I’ve found that kids who have developed interests seem to associate with creative and goal-oriented buddies and usually do better academically. In addition, they tend to be less moody, emotional or depressed. So, if your child has couch potato tendencies, start talking now about what activities he or she will join when school begins.

This is a lot to think about, but doing some planning and discussing up-front can save your child from poor grades, loneliness or behavioral problems once the school year begins. So, check out the school dress code and buy the supplies, but more important — have a heart-to-heart talk with your children about your expectations for grades, friends and activities, as well as any fears or concerns they may have about the upcoming school year.

Copyright ©2005 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved. Dr. Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to the “Today” show. Her most recent book,“Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” is published by Rodale. (See excerpts here.) For more information you can visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com .

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