Not tonight, dear ... or tomorrow

Brian Alexander • E-mail

What's a guy to do when he's living in a sexless marriage? When can a woman expect to get her libido back after baby is born? Sexploration answers your queries.

Have an intimate question? To e-mail us, click here. He'll tackle select questions in future columns.

Q1: Over the last six years my wife has gradually lost interest in sex. Since January, we have had sex four times, the last time in July when she said, “This is mainly for you.” Boy, that made me feel terrible! What do I do? I have asked her and she only gets hostile, and an argument results. I am so tired of living in a sexless marriage!

Q2: My wife, who recently went through menopause, seems to have a very low sex drive, even though she doesn't have any trouble reaching orgasm.  She says having sex once a month is enough. What’s a guy to do, other than get a blow-up doll?

A: Sometimes I wish I could pair up all the women who ask about hubby’s low desire with all the men who complain about wife’s lost libido.

But this would not solve the problem, according to Dr. Stephen Levine, a psychiatrist at Case Western Reserve University and co-director of the Center for Marital and Sexual Health in Beachwood, Ohio.

At some point, he says, "every couple has an incompatibility of sexual desire after courtship.”

Levine, who is the author of "Sexuality in Mid-Life," estimates that monogamous married people can expect to have about 3,000 sexual experiences with each other. Over time, you start to repeat yourself. Ho-hum.

Desire is also affected by our age, health, psychological states and biology. It’s complicated. But in a list of things that stimulate desire, Levine places psychological intimacy at No. 1.

Every expert agrees. If there’s a problem in the relationship, sex drive goes all to hell, especially for women. So look there, first. Sounds to me like you may have a problem in that department, Mr. Sex in July.

As for you, Mr. Blow-up Doll, don’t head for Big Al’s Garden of Pleasure just yet. Stop “waiting.” Take action.

In case you somehow missed this in health class, men are different from women. Men can get worked up just watching TV, but, says Joy Davidson, a Seattle therapist and author of "Fearless Sex," "she isn’t going to have that sudden surge of desire just because you walk in the door. You have to be responsible for creating scenarios to excite her so she will be inclined to be more sexual.”

Don’t discount the effects of her menopause. But meantime, Davidson has a tip: “If she does 75 or 80 percent of the grunt work around the house, that turns you into a child. She takes care of you, makes the bed, cooks the food, dusts the house, so she sees you as another child needing care, and there’s nothing sexy about a helpless man … You don’t have to sweep her off her feet with diamonds; try sweeping the kitchen floor.”

I hear ya, brother. It was so much easier with dinner and a movie. Middle-age sucks. But from now on, if you want it, you gotta earn it.

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