Want to be a Hilton? Only if I'm Paris

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Since Kathy’s been so gracious as to share her secrets of social success, we figured we’d return the favor with a few humble suggestions on how to improve Hilton TV:

1) “Family show” means more than just you. No fair leaving Paris, Nicky and hubby Rick in the shadows as you're placed center stage. We tuned in because we wanted to see how the Hilton family functions behind closed doors. You gave us poorly edited pap.

2) Reality shows aren’t about dignity. We didn’t want to see a bunch of smack-talking, back-biting cheeseheads dine on caviar and sip Champagne. We want to see them be humiliated, Trump-style, in clown suits and Domino’s outfits. The challenges on “Hilton” were pretty C-grade, the sort of thing that even Nicole Richie couldn't screw up. How inept must your competitors have been to not grasp the intricacies of rowing a boat?!?

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3) When the Vegas showgirl shows up … run! If the rest of us could tell from first glance that Yvette was nothing but trouble (remember this was a big promotion from her previous reality gig on “Single in Vegas”), how come you never took her to task for basically screwing her teammates and then lying about it? Reality shows have their own sort of social justice, including a mandate for all hussies to get the occasional smackdown.

Slideshow
Ooo la la! It’s Paris!
The highs and lows of trés jolie media darling Paris Hilton’s life.
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4) Don’t ditch the hunk with manners. JW may have been playing the country-boy card a bit heavy, but he had the right mix of swagger and charm. (Remember his “Naked Cowboy” in the fashion show?) He’s the exact kind of guy who could succeed in New York, if given the chance, certainly more than wet-blanket Jaret. Yet you picked Jaret to win it all.

5) In case no one mentioned ... your daughter is hot. A Hilton family show without Paris is like a celebrity drunkfest without Tara Reid. I really hate to bring this up, Kathy, but … we love watching your daughter on screen. A brief Paris interlude in each episode could have scored you a few extra share points.

There is a happy ending here. The Hiltons' latest reality-TV gambit was a failure, but unlike Bobby and Whitney, they'll be be just fine without all that face-time on camera. So let’s all raise a glass to Kathy, who probably will have to spend all next spring in the Hamptons straightening out the bent noses her show caused among the polo set.

Then let’s tune in “The Simple Life,” because at least one Hilton knows what makes good TV. Brand or no, we’ll always have Paris.

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