Make mods, not war

Tom Loftus Columnist • E-mail

One side note to the furor surrounding those hidden sex scenes on "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" is that for all the controversy, they boast a weirdly sex-positive message.

As everyone and their grandmother knows, owners of the PC version of the game can access these scenes by installing code called "Hot Coffee" downloadable from the Internet.

The code, or "mod" as such programs built to modify off-the-shelf PC games are called, unlocks a mini-game starring CJ, the — ahem — gang-banging protagonist of this interactive criminal epic, and a variety of female characters. Players are tasked to help CJ pleasure his women via some deft joystick movement. There's no genitalia to be seen, but it's not hard to figure out who is doing what to whom where.

That's not surprising for a game that even in its unaltered version is rated "M" for Mature. What is surprising is that inept joystick moves earn a diss from the game with the message, "Failure to satisfy a woman is a crime!"

Granted, this message is not After School Special caliber, but coming from a game that chews through all flavors of violence and deprivation, the hidden sex scenes could have been worse. A lot worse. I would be the last to say that "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" has anything to teach society, but there you go. Hidden in the most violent video game of all time is a plea for better lovin'.

Rockstar Games, the creator of "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" first denied the scenes, saying they were the work of a malicious modder. They have since admitted that the hidden scenes were actually scraps of legacy code, never meant for public consumption, that somehow shipped with the end product. Riiiiiiighhhht.

The whole furor has thrown an unfair light on modders, creative and technically proficient gamers who extend the playability of popular games by adding more levels, new characters or new settings. The "Hot Coffee" mod was a little different, coded not to modify "Grand Theft Auto," but expose scenes already provided by the game's programmers.

And yet "Hot Coffee" and the odd sex-positive message it unveiled got me thinking. A lot of games out there are dying for a little love from a modder with a twisted sense of purpose.

Here are a few mods that I'd like to see:

'Sims 2': The 'death and taxes' mod
The mother of all simulations made history by allowing Sims to be born, age and eventually die.  This mod takes the next step. Included are short and long forms and a tutorial on how to itemize home improvements and Sim items like that neon Flamingo. Failure to accurately complete tax forms leads to banishment of your Sim to that tacky bungalow on the outskirts of Strangetown.

'Civilization': The 'bring 'em on' mod
The empire-building PC game where the player assumes everything from feeding the people to conquering new lands is updated to the 21st century: Act as the administrator in a newly conquered country. Choose between improving infrastructure or building more concrete walls around the Green Zone. Inadequate military equipment, discontent on the home front, less tax dollars and green horn bureaucrats who can't speak the language increase the challenge.

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