Danger, Will Robinson

Bigger will be MUCH better
There are some filmmakers that think adding special effects and elaborate action sequences can make any movie great. Well, as someone who has sat through “Wild Wild West”, I would beg to differ. What’s so tragic about this film is how great the original series was: Robert Conrad as the cool James West in his ultra-tight, blue velvet pants; Ross Martin as the smart master of disguise Artemis Gordon; the diminutive Michael Dunn as the evil yet always strangely funny Dr. Loveless. The show reveled in its own oddities. Even the way it was shot, with freeze frames going into commercials was different.

Director Sonnenfeld put all those niceties aside in favor for big special effects, like a giant mechanical spider and a Dr. Loveless who is part machine. He also strips Artemis of his intelligence (shame on you Kevin Kline) and extracts any sense of fun from the film. This movie is all about the set pieces and proves that if you don’t care about the characters or understand why they do what they do — the movie seems to suggest that Artemis is just randomly into cross-dressing — the movie won’t work.

Other offenders, “Charlie’s Angels,” “S.W.A.T.”

Let’s get those old guys
Stars of original series should stay far away from these remakes. It only reminds the audience that it’s getting a pale imitation of the original. Case in point: James Garner’s cameo in “Maverick.” His cameo only serves to point out that Garner would have been much better than the talented but awfully intense Mel Gibson at delivering lines in the lackadaisical manner required by the role.

Other offenders: “Starsky & Hutch.”

The absolute worst of the worst
OK, advice is all well and good, but the most important thing to remember, filmmakers, is whatever you do, don’t make “The Avengers.” This movie had me watching the seconds tick by on my DVD player. I’d rather have dental surgery than watch it again. It ranks among the absolute worst movies I’ve ever seen.

Uma Thurman is terminally miscast as the slinky Emma Peel. And if you thought having Sean Connery in your movie would bring it to “Untouchables” level, think again. He chews scenery as the weather-changing Sir August de Wynter. The director, Jeremiah S. Chechik, who made the sweet “Benny & Joon” hasn’t done much since — and it’s hard not to think that this film killed his career. The story doesn’t make sense, and like “Wild Wild West”, it primarily relies on big action sequences. It also lacks the British sensibility and sex appeal that made the original series fun.

This film should be required viewing for any filmmaker embarking on his own TV-to-movie project. Especially, whomever is chosen to direct “The A-Team.” I pity the fool.

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