Paris’ engagement? Blame the burger

Michael Ventre

Paris Hilton is engaged. I have to think it has something to do with The Burger. Everybody has different reasons for tying the knot. Some are lonely — but not Paris, who is the princess of the party circuit and rarely lacks for companionship. Some need the dough and marry for money — but not Paris, who is an heiress to the Hilton hotel fortune, and who also banked a little doing “The Simple Life.” Some want to start a family — that could be Paris, although the thought of her breastfeeding on the dance floor is a bit unnerving. Some simply fall in love — that could be Paris also, although if she got engaged every time she fell for a guy, she’d have more diamonds than Kobe Bryant’s wife.

No, it seems too coincidental to me that the announcement of her engagement to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis comes shortly after she raised a ruckus by making love to a hamburger in a national commercial. It should be noted that people in the United States make love to fast food every day. We have the waistlines to prove it.

But Paris apparently went too far. She writhed in sexual ecstasy with every chomp. She and the burger in question — a black strip covered any identifying parts in the clip I saw — got themselves into positions that are outlawed in many states, with a parked Bentley serving as a wet voyeur. If a burger could smoke a cigarette after a dalliance, it would have in this case.

Shortly after the spot aired, a group that I believe was called Morality Watchdogs Against The Prurient Use of Overstuffed Burgers protested, and it was pulled or limited to late hours in some markets. But the damage was done. One burger’s reputation was forever sullied. But more important, Paris Hilton’s carefully buffed image was tarnished.

Slideshow   Ooo la la! It’s Paris! The highs and lows of trés jolie media darling Paris Hilton’s life. more photos

This wasn’t the first time Paris got herself in hot water by flaunting her gifts. She starred in a now infamous underground video later nicknamed, “One Night In Paris.” It was a home movie that depicted her and an old boyfriend enjoying each other. Whoever circulated it is a cad, to be sure, but it did succeed in raising her profile.

Instead of making her an outcast, Paris Hilton suddenly was everywhere. You couldn’t stop her. She was at every party, every premiere, every nightclub. She was on television so often — and for no apparent reason — that she probably thought having sex for the public’s amusement was the path to success. How else to explain her extraordinary level of fame, not to mention the existence of the “House of Wax”?

But she went too far. She agreed to appear with the burger. Wearing a skin-tight, one-piece black swimsuit, she devoured the beefcake in an uncontrollable fit of frenzied lunch lust. She was in such an elevated state of wanton hunger that I don’t believe she even took a moment to sip a beverage.

FREE VIDEO Paris says, oui to Paris May 31: In Touch Weekly’s Tom O'Neil talks about Paris Hilton’s engagement. MSNBC

After the fallout, she must have felt her life had hit rock bottom. She needed a new direction. Old habits were leading her down the road to ruin; I shudder to think what she and a large order of fries did in the outtakes.

It was time to find a man.

Fortunately, she’s a beautiful young woman who has always had a knack for attracting the boys. Somewhere along the way, an intermediary said, “Paris, I’d like you to meet Paris,” and redemption was hers.

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