How not to squirm over kids’ sex questions

It’s a topic that brings fear and dread to many parents — talking to your kids about sex.  And what are the right things to tell kids under seven? To help, “Today” contributor Dr. Gail Saltz has written a picture book designed for young children called "Amazing You: Getting Smart About Your Private Parts." Dr. Saltz was invited on the show to discuss this sometimes awkward subject. Here are some of her suggestions.

Setting the stage for your child’s sexual life is very important.  This means making sure they are not ashamed of their sexual parts and sexual feelings.

Sometimes parents don’t realize that sexual curiosity starts at a very young age and that interest in the genitals is normal and healthy. The reason this can be difficult for parents is because of their own inhibitions about sex.

If you harbor feelings that sex is dirty and shameful, then you may unwittingly pass this on to your children. This often begins early with parents refusing to give any names to their child’s genitals. References to “down there” and “that place” imply that their genials are too embarrassing to even mention, let alone have any pride about.

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Other parents make up names for their child’s genitals to avoid the use of the proper terms. The problem with this is that it not only transmits shame but also leaves your child open for embarrassment when he or she makes reference to the name and no peer or teacher knows what they are talking about.

In order to avoid such issues, follow these guidelines:

• Use universal terms that are anatomical, such as vagina, labia, penis and testicles. If you are unsure of the anatomy and terms, get familiar so you can explain to your child when they ask. This is especially for parents of girls, whose anatomy is less obvious. It is not good to say, “Oh, I don’t know — it’s all sort of mushed up down there.”
• Help your child to feel pleased with what they have, but then tell them that their genitals are private and no one else should ever touch them there.
• Do not panic if your child masturbates. It is perfectly normal; just tell them it’s a private thing to do and shouldn’t be done in public. If, however, they are constantly masturbating, it could be a sign of problematic anxiety.
• Preschool children will notice pregnant women and want to know where babies come from. Most are not ready to hear about intercourse, and generally speaking I would avoid an explanation. What they want to know is where in your body the baby grows and how it comes out.
• Do not make up stories, like a stork story. You want to always be honest with your child. It ruins the trust if you make up a story you later have to correct.
• On the other hand, only give them an amount of information that they can understand (depending on their age and maturity). You can say something simple, such as “One of Daddy’s sperm and one of Mommy’s eggs come together to make a baby that grows in the uterus. The uterus is in the belly and then the baby comes out through the vagina.” (If your child seems concerned about how a big baby comes out a small vagina — as many women are! — be sure to reassure them that the vagina is very stretchy and thus not a problem.)

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TIPS FOR TALKING ABOUT SEX

Examine your own comfort level. Like it or not, any awkwardness you have on this subject does impact your child. So take a look at whether you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable about your body and discussing your child’s. Work toward getting a comfort level by educating yourself and having “mock conversations” of what you want to say to your child.

Understand what they are really asking. Sometimes you think your child is asking more than they are. The answer to “Where does Johnny come from?” could well be “Detroit.”

Be honest, upfront and matter-of-fact. Help your child to know their body is wonderful and something to be proud of. This will lay the foundation for positive self-image and sexuality later.

Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” Her first book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” was published in 2004 by Riverhead Books. It will be available in a paperback version in June 2005. Her latest book, "Amazing You: Getting Smart About Your Private Parts," helps parents deal with preschoolers' questions about sex and reproduction and is published this month.  For more information, you can visit her Web site, www.drgailsaltz.com.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific medical or psychological advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand their lives and health. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist. Copyright ©2005 Dr. Gail Saltz. All rights reserved.

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