‘Monster-in-Law’: the title tells all

Sometimes a movie’s title tells you all you need to know. Such is the case with “Monster-in-Law,” which is just as coarse and broad as the mother-in-law jokes you know you’ll see driven into the ground (with stakes) during its excruciating 101-minute running time.

But the billing tells another story. Jennifer Lopez’s name is somehow listed above Jane Fonda’s, and that’s a major miscalculation — perhaps the most egregious billing error since Kelly McGillis was listed above Jodie Foster’s Oscar-winning performance in “The Accused.”

Lopez’s appearances in such box-office wipeouts as “Gigli” and “Jersey Girl” have apparently convinced the producers or her agent that she’s the star. But Fonda, who hasn’t starred in a movie in 15 years, takes over the minute she makes her rather grand entrance as an Emmy-winning television news star who is clearly modeled on Barbara Walters. While it’s not much of a comeback role, Fonda digs into it as if it mattered.

Quick facts Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Jane Fonda, Michael Vartan, Wanda Sykes, Monet Mazur Director: Robert Luketic Run time: 1 hour, 35 minutes MPAA rating: PG-13

Fonda’s character, Viola Fields, makes a spectacular exit from her career, literally attacking a Britney Spears type on television. Viola is offended that someone so young and influential could be so ignorant, and she figures the only thing to do is go for her throat in the midst of an interview. Television news hasn’t shown this much life on the big screen since Peter Finch’s mad newsman delivered his apocalyptic sermons in “Network” three decades ago.

Too bad the rest of “Monster-in-Law” has so little to do with the restless Viola’s profession. Given too much free time and too little family to enjoy, she descends on her doctor son (Michael Vartan) and takes over his life, especially his love life with a dog walker (Lopez). When they announce their wedding plans, Viola goes into full jealous-mother mode, arranging to make the girl’s life so miserable she’ll be happy to become a runaway bride.

Eventually the victim decides to fight back (Viola forces her future daughter-in-law to eat inedible kidney pie, while Viola falls headfirst into a plate of tripe), but their tit-for-tat humiliations can’t sustain a feature-length comedy. They might seem stretched to the limit in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

First-time screenwriter Anya Kochoff throws in a few detours and distractions (Lopez’s character is forced to establish that her fiance isn’t gay) and there’s a last-minute appearance by Elaine Stritch, who pounces on every feeble one-liner she’s handed. The director, Robert Luketic (“Legally Blonde”), becomes increasingly desperate to keep this house of cards from collapsing, but there’s only so much he can do to prop it up.

Lopez is dull, Vartan is duller, and Wanda Sykes tries too hard as Viola’s wisecracking assistant. But Fonda keeps plugging along, behaving as if her character actually has a flinty integrity. Viola may have a point about her son’s rather impulsive choice of a mate, and she stands for something — even if it’s just non-stop bitchiness. When the movie reaches its foregone happy ending and everyone has to make nice, unfortunately, it leaves her high and dry.

MORE FROM MOVIES

Movies Section Front

‘Avatar’ could get nine Oscar nominations How Robert Downey Jr. got his groove back Downey brings action to ‘Sherlock Holmes’ Man wins ‘Christmas Story’ house sleepover Utah man who inspired ‘Rain Man’ dies ‘Avatar’ blasts off with $232 million worldwide Streep and Baldwin — not a ‘Complicated’ pair ‘Nine’ women latest to bewitch and bewilder You’ll wish you didn’t ‘Hear About the Morgans’ Sarah Jessica Parker can’t wait for Christmas Movies Section Front   Add Movies headlines to your news reader: