The uncreative ways men cheat

Every man who cheats basically follows the same script, according to Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer, the authors of "The Script: The 100 Percent Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat." They criticize you, tell you that you have problems and need to see a professional. They may encourage you to take a class, go to the gym or be more independent, or they buy you extravagant gifts for no special occasion and tell you they would never cheat on you. They start to work out, work late, go in early and set all their ducks in a row. The authors, who were invited on "Today" to discuss their new book, give example after example of marriages broken up as a result of infidelity. Read an excerpt.

Overture
Only the percussionist is present in the orchestra pit below the stage and the drum roll is barely audible, nearly drowned out by the sounds of everyday life outside the theater. It’s so low that you pay no attention. You don’t even hear the loud, rapid roll that usually comes at the end, presaging something important to come. You’re paying more attention to the sound of a violin and a flute, and a very mellifluous and soothing tenor rising above.

This tenor is singing: “I Would Never Do That.”

Scene 1: “I Would Never Do That”
Sharon and Nick are leaving Nick’s company’s office reception when Sharon asks her husband, “Where did Jackie get that diamond bracelet? She couldn’t possibly buy such an expensive piece of jewelry on her secretary’s salary. She told me it came from Tiffany’s, but of course I couldn’t ask her how she got it.”

Nick answers, “Oh, I know how she got it. Don, the senior VP you met a few months ago, gave it to her. They’re having an affair.”

Sharon thinks for a second and then says, “But Don’s married, isn’t he? Didn’t I meet his wife, Joan? How do you know they’re having an affair?”

“I could just tell,” Nick says.

“My gosh. What goes on!” Sharon exclaims.

“Yeah, it’s not a good scene all around. I tell you, I would never do that to you.”

We have found that almost every woman who finds out that she has an unfaithful husband remembers her husband saying several years before, “I Would Never Do That,” while commenting disapprovingly on a man who has just been unfaithful.

This line in the script gives you no sense that anything might be amiss. Only in hindsight (unless you’ve read this book and can be alert to it as it’s happening) will you see that this was the moment he began sending signals that he was alert to other possibilities, to other ways to act out his life.

At the time, your reaction is the opposite of suspicion. You are grateful and reassured that your husband is so completely different. You think, “He really understands how wrong it is to cheat. How wonderful to be married to someone who can see how immoral this is. I am really proud to be married to a man who is so upstanding.”

You feel sympathy for Don’s wife and a little glee at hearing the latest gossip. Then you put the whole story out of your mind—it’s just another story of someone else’s misfortune.

Nancy and Jim are straightening up after dinner when Nancy says to Jim, “Say, how’s Paul? I was thinking of him today when someone mentioned artists who then go on to tech jobs. You haven’t mentioned him in a while.”

“Oh, Paul,” Jim responds. “I guess he thinks he’s a bohemian again. He just left Kathy and the kids and moved in with his secretary. She must be twenty years younger than he is.”

“What?” Nancy stares at him. “Kathy’s so sweet and they have the greatest kids. They’ve been married a long time. His secretary? How could he do that?”

Jim shakes his head. “No, it’s not right and it’s making things very awkward in the office. I would never do that.”

You feel lucky to have a husband who is so much better than other men, a husband who is completely faithful and caring, who lives by what he believes in. You think, “That could never happen to me with a man as virtuous and devoted as my husband. I can put that worry totally out of my mind, thank goodness.”

This is a very natural reaction on your part, and it may be just the one he wants you to have. He is thinking that what Paul has done sounds appealing. But if he criticizes Paul, the last thing that would occur to you, now or in the future, is that your own husband might be open to cheating. By assuring you he would never do that, he has thrown you off his track.

Scene 2: “You Need to See a Psychiatrist”

Maggie is sitting at the kitchen table going over the checkbook, and staring at the remodeling books the contractor has just brought over. Joe comes in from outside, looks at her, and says, “You’re depressed. You need to see a psychiatrist.”

“Need to see a psychiatrist? What do you mean?”

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