Why the Runaway Bride ran away

Clint Van Zandt • Profile • E-mail

I was a young FBI agent in a strange town and I hadn't taken my gun with me. 

I wasn't familiar with the street, but my legs keep pumping as I knew I had to run as hard as I'd ever run in my life.  I could hear the footsteps growing louder and louder behind me as I ran.  No matter how hard I ran,  someone kept coming up from behind me, forcing me to run even faster. 

As I rounded the corner, I could hear his heavy but measured breathing as he rapidly closed the distance between the two of us.  “Come on legs!” I demanded, but he was right behind me now, and his hands were grasping and reaching out, pulling at the air and bringing him directly even with me. 

“Hang in there, it's not far now” he said as he pulled ahead of me. Like many of the other runners in this particular race, he crossed the 10K finish line in front of me.

That's what runners do; they run.  If you're not feeling well, you run; if it's lousy weather, you run, and if you're under stress, you obviously go for a run.  You run to clear your head.  You run to ease the ache in your muscles, and you run just so you can breathe a little fresh air. 

No matter what else is going on, there's always time for a run.

Jennifer Wilbanks ran
32-year-old Jennifer Wilbanks was to be married last Saturday in an expensive and lavish wedding, the social event of the year for the small Georgia town of Duluth, and one that would include 14 bridesmaids and hundreds and hundreds of guests.  She had known her fiancé for over a year, thereby passing my litmus test (that anyone getting married should know the person they're marrying for at least four seasons prior to becoming engaged), but the many wedding showers thrown in her honor and the momentum that carried her like a giant surfing wave toward the altar must have seemed totally unstoppable to her. 

Jennifer had the wedding jitters and apparently had no one to express her concerns, her consternations and her doubts to.  Every emotional sign from her friends and every street sign in the town of Duluth seemed to point her toward the First United Methodist Church where her fate and future would be combined with that of her smiling fiancé, the successful son of the town's former town mayor and now its judge.  All she had to do was make it until Saturday afternoon and then her destination (and her fate) would be sealed.

At least 50 percent of all people getting married get a case of either cold feet or seem to have feet that want to run away from the altar. Although a proposal is usually followed by “yes!” there later may come a time for “no,” or “whoa,” or even “stop the world, I want to get off!”  Most of us are familiar with the Holmes-Rahe Social Stress Scale that assigns points to life changing events. The more points you accumulate, the greater the level of stress and chance of illness in your life. A marriage carries 50 points, slightly less than that assigned to the death of a spouse or a divorce. It's not too hard to accumulate 100 or more points and to have your stress cup quickly overflowing. 

Some will speculate that Jennifer Wilbanks may have been experiencing a post traumatic stress reaction, or that she had a manic-depressive disorder, or maybe a generalized anxiety disorder, the latter of which could be the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain and/or the result of a highly stressful event in your life. What her actual reason was for literally running away from her nuptials has yet to be reported, (we're told that she has “issues” her family was previously unaware of), but what ever the reason, she had choices other than to simply run away.

But as a runner? Well, that's what runners do.

What to do about pre-wedding day jitters
Jennifer's choices could have included any of the following: Talk to a friend who's recently been married – someone who can help you differentiate between a real change of heart and mind concerning the relationship and simple jitters about the overwhelming wedding process itself.  Recall why you said “yes” in the first place and see if your reasons are still valid.  Think about what you like, what you love about your future spouse and why these aspects of his or her personality are so special to you.  Think about what you look forward to in marriage and focus on the positive.  Ask yourself, “Has my fiancé(e) changed since I said ‘yes,' and if so, has it been for the good or the bad?”

If you're a runner, go for a run and think things out for yourself; but stay in town.  Talk to a counselor to help you identify your feelings and your concerns and rank them appropriately.  Talk to your parents about your impending marriage and identify your issues to them.  Talk directly and honestly to your betrothed. 

If he or she is the right person for you, they'll understand. If they don't, well your instincts are probably right to call a halt to your impending marriage.

Know that the activities leading up to the wedding, including the wedding ceremony itself, and your life thereafter will not be perfect. Wedding books and movies focus on the fantasy of perfection, one that is not achievable in the real world.  There will always be compromise and you can not be perfectly happy all of the time, but you can work toward a good life and toward the things that are truly important to you and your spouse.  Know that both you and your soon to be partner in life are fatally flawed; you're human.  Know that you need to maintain your own identity while adopting that of your intended. 

We may be from Mars and Venus, but we're in the same solar system and we share ideas, hopes and dreams, as well as mortgages, colds, and dirty diapers— that's what helps us to know we're really alive and know that life is always about change and the ability to adapt to it, otherwise we'd have died off like the dinosaurs.  Marriage is a true leap of faith, one that half of us question before and immediately after the marriage (“What have I gotten myself into?”); and that almost half of us, unfortunately, will later walk away from.

In some cases, as in Jennifer Wilbanks', the wedding day was rapidly approaching, and the option of a cross country run with Forest Gump looked better than something she'd rather do than get married.

Do you feel trapped like a rat? Have you considered all the options that you have and marriage has not come out on top (in fact, it's the last thing that you really want to do)? The invitations have been sent out, the cake has been ordered, you have been fitted for your dress (or your tux), and the presents have already begun to arrive (some of which you even like).  For the sake of argument we'll concede that you've been through all the options, and even if you love your fiancé(e), you're definitely not ready to be married, at least not here and not now. 

Alright then, “Just say no.”

I remember the night that a young bride to be (and friend) called me and my wife just hours before her wedding. The three of us worked through all of the appropriate questions and issues and why her “yes” now seemed to be “no.”  She was right.  She was not ready to be married to this man at this time.  The overall idea of marriage was wonderful to her, only she had said yes to the wrong man.  The marriage was called off the next morning. 

Were the bride, the groom and their parents embarrassed? Of course they were, but they all had to concede that the bride had thought through this entire matter, abed at the 11^th hour. Her decision was, well, her decision.  The husband-no-longer-to-be was angry and stormed away with high pitched words concerning his former fiancée's sanity— something that confirmed that she had made a good call, one better late than never. 

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