Parenting and rules: Your e-mails answered

THE NON-ASSERTIVE CHILD
Q: My 6-year-old daughter is very considerate of others, sometimes to a fault. You might describe her as "a pushover." She misses out on a lot of opportunities because she's not assertive. Plus, my daughter avoids any confrontation. How do I help my daughter become more assertive — without overwhelming her?

A:  Try to keep in mind that what assertiveness is to you may be too intimidating, or even rude, to your little girl.  Everyone has their own personality and tolerance for confrontation, and the key is to help her to form a balance between what she is comfortable with while also getting her needs met. 

I would suggest that you praise her kindness to others — I’m sure that helps her fit in with the other kids.  However, she’s not too young to learn some lessons about being taken advantage of. Have a heart-to-heart discussion with your daughter, emphasizing that getting along with others involves not only pleasing them, but also being pleased herself.  Try to bring up some typical, recent examples of how her kindness was appropriate and appreciated, and also some examples of how her lack of assertiveness led to her missing out on opportunities. 

For instance, does she tend not to volunteer to try out new activities or to be included in groups or games on the playground?  If so, try to help her understand that she has the right to be included, as long as she is polite about asking (“Can I join in your game of four-square?”), is willing to wait her turn (“Can I be next after you get tired?”), and willing to risk rejection (“I’d like to sit with you at lunchtime, is that okay?”). 

Special series "Today" opens up a monthlong dialogue about parenting with the help of the world's leading experts on the subject — parents themselves. Click below to learn more. Vote: Do you give kids everything they want? Help your child get over rejection How to get your child to do homework Parenting after divorce: Your e-mails answered Shared parenting after a divorce Discussing death, divorce with kids Behavior: Dr. Ruth Peters answers your e-mail FULL COVERAGE: 'Raising Your Kids Today'

Remember, fear of rejection is a huge issue for many kids, especially those who tend to be timid or shy.  Often these children need a little nudge (not a giant push!) to take some social risks.  When your daughter does try to be assertive (“I believe that I am next in line for the slide, you can come after me”) and you catch it, praise her for her effort, whether she was successful or not. 

Your child may not understand the reasons for her passivity, but usually it’s based on a fear of rejection, a concern about not knowing how to express her desire appropriately, or just feeling “invisible” to the other children.  Role-play assertive attempts with her, give her some safe answers, questions, or statements that will always be appropriate to use (especially if she’s shy and a social situation makes her too nervous to think quickly on her feet).

Finally, remember that your kid is not you — she does not have your years of experience and knowledge of how the world works, nor the understanding of the differences between passivity, assertiveness and aggression.  Model appropriate assertive behavior, and please keep your expectations in line for a somewhat shy, perhaps socially fearful 6-year-old.

Copyright ©2005 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved. Dr. Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to the “Today” show. Her most recent book,“Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” is published by Rodale. (See excerpts here.) For more information you can visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

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