Parenting and rules: Your e-mails answered

In a special monthlong series called “Raising Kids Today,” the “Today” show has been looking at issues surrounding parenting. In this fourth and final week, we have been exploring how to deal with peer pressure and the importance of discipline. Here, psychologist and “Today” contributor Dr. Ruth Peters responds to viewers’ e-mails on these topics.

TWO PARENTS, TWO SETS OF RULES
Q: My husband and I parent by different rules. I think he's too lax and he thinks I'm a nag. I know it's important to present a unified front, but it's difficult when we simply don't agree. I believe our teenage children should have more rules about free time, chores and achieving more in school. My husband thinks shooting for "average" is just fine and we should be happy because they're basically good kids.

How do my husband and I get on the same page about parenting?"

A: Start by realizing that the two of you may just have to experience some times when you agree to disagree!  On the other hand, you should agree to try to keep those issues to a minimum.

You and your husband should begin with a discussion about what values and expectations you share.  Begin with the easy ones: a good education, zero tolerance for drugs and alcohol, kids working to their individual potentials in school, being respectful of teachers, parents and other adults, and any others that are on the top of your family’s list of dos and don’ts.  By beginning the conversation with the things that the two of you agree upon, you’re setting the stage for a more meaningful and successful discussion. 

Then, jump to the issues that are low on the list of importance — the ones that one parent cares about, but the other doesn’t really consider important one way or the other.  These, also, usually are easy to agree upon as there is probably nothing to battle about when it comes to whether the child can work at a fast food restaurant or at a store at the mall, or whether he or she can take up paint ball or spend their time on another fun activity. 

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Then, it’s time to tackle the really difficult items — those chores and privileges that occur on a daily or weekly basis that the two of you find yourselves battling about. Start with the beginning of the day and discuss how the kids’ behavior works or doesn’t. 

If, for instance, getting the children out of bed on time and ready for the bus is a problem (causing you to be late for work) explain this to your husband and ask for his suggestion as to how the mornings can run more smoothly. I would suggest using a timer, and anyone not beating the buzzer would pay a consequence later in the day (perhaps no television even after homework is done). If your husband disagrees with the consequence, perhaps he can be in charge of getting the kids up and ready for school — in this way he’ll see how tense the mornings can become when there’s a slow-poke holding up the whole family.

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Overall, in your discussion of chores and daily deadlines, work your way through the day and explain to him how the children’s behavior (or lack thereof!) affects the smooth working of the family.  At the same time, really listen to him — perhaps you are overreacting in some ways and nagging when it’s not really necessary.

List the things you would like done (dinner table set, dishes cleared, living room picked up, kids in bed by a reasonable time, etc.).  If you are yelling and fussing at them, perhaps you can back off and put your husband in charge of getting these chores accomplished.  Most likely he’ll feel that not all are necessary — then he can stay in charge of the ones that he doesn’t mind supervising and you can pick up the extras. Then, you and your husband can determine those issues that you will have to agree to disagree upon. 

Take turns getting your way — perhaps you can live with the bedrooms being picked up only twice a week (even though you’d like it done daily), but Dad may have to agree with your rule that homework completion comes before the TV goes on. It’s important for both sides to compromise, to listen to each other with a respectful attitude and to continually update what is important to the family, what can be let go and what must be taken seriously.

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