How to help your child deal with rejection

Pre-teen cliques
As kids hit the pre-teen years, they may start to encounter cliques.  Cliques and popularity affect girls far more strongly than boys, since boys are drawn together more by activities, while girls are beginning to explore relationships and emotional intimacy. Girls tend to be more closed and can make it very difficult to join their group if you're not considered someone who's liked a lot. Boys, on the other hand, travel in larger, looser groups, which also supply a pool of ready players for their games.

Once children get to high school they may discover a more relaxed, diverse social system. Until then, expect them to navigate some treacherous waters, while bearing in mind that experiencing a little rejection and learning to cope with it isn't necessarily a bad thing.  It happens to all of us.

Although you might think your pre-teen wants you to be invisible most of the time, it's more important than ever to show your support when they're facing some form of rejection from their peers.  They want you to be there for them — whether that means a one-on-one conversation about what's bothering them, or a movie and pizza night at home when they weren't invited to the big party.

Beyond the classroom, your child may discover new confidence and more like-minded peers in an athletic league, an arts program, or a church group.  It's important to create opportunities for your child to make friends with a wide variety of people.  With a large support network to draw on, a child has an easier time putting a temporary rejection in perspective while seeking the company or sympathy of others.

Being rejected from a team, club, or school
Whether coming up short in a try-out for a sports team or not making the final cut of auditions for the school play, kids can feel the agony of defeat with surprising intensity.  Kids will never like to lose, but as a parent, it's your job to make sure they're willing to take the chance and play again.

Around the age of 11, children enter the period of select or elite teams, like traveling squads, and by middle school, nearly all sports teams and many activities require tryouts. Prepare your child for the possibility of not making the team before tryouts begin. Parents should convey to their sons and daughters to prepare to make the team, to work hard to do so and most importantly, feel good about themselves no matter the outcome.

If your child truly enjoys the sport and is rejected from a team, do everything possible to keep them interested and involved. When a child doesn't make the cut, he is often discouraged and drops the sport.  Look for alternative leagues, or sign them up for sports camps to improve their skills.

Use examples.  Michael Jordan was cut as a sophomore from his high school team, but didn't give up — he practiced even more, tried out again the next year and went on to become one of the greatest athletes of all time.  Even Albert Einstein failed his first college entrance exam!

It is difficult enough for a child who hasn't made a team or been accepted to the school of their choice, but doubly hard when his friends do get picked. There could be a temporary break in the friendship, or it could end in a permanent break. Parents should do whatever they can to encourage strengthening other friendships during this time.

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