How to help your child deal with rejection

Most parents know that rejection is an inevitable part of growing up — but try telling that to your son or daughter. Janet Chan, editor-in-chief of Parenting magazine, and Rachel Simmons, author of "Odd Girl Speaks Out: Girls Write About Bullies, Cliques,” were invited on the “Today” show to discuss how parents can help prepare their children for rejection from their peers as part of our special series, “Raising Kids Today.”

Rejection is a part of life, but it's crucial for parents to help their children learn how to deal with setbacks — whether they're cut from a sports team or left out of a clique.  The most important thing for a parent to remember is to keep your cool — at least in front of your child.  When your child is snubbed, it can bring up old feelings of rejection for you too.  If you're responding from your own hurt feelings, it's hard to be helpful.  And if your child picks up on them, it may make him feel worse about the whole thing.  You need to switch gears and be supportive, rather than venting your own disappointment.

When children face rejection from their peers
You may tell your child that life isn't a popularity contest. But to him, it can certainly feel that way. Starting in kindergarten, children become more selective in choosing their friends. That's good, but it also means that they sometimes get hurt.

All children at one time or another feel rejected by their peers. The reasons are often as capricious as a shift in the weather. A child's appearance (her hygiene, weight, race, a disability), her manner (such as a stutter or atypical gender behavior), her economic or ethnic background, poor social skills, or personality (being aggressive, withdrawn, anxious, overly sensitive, or quick to take offense) can all be factors.

Special series "Today" opens up a monthlong dialogue about parenting with the help of the world's leading experts on the subject — parents themselves. Click below to learn more. Vote: Do you give kids everything they want? Help your child get over rejection How to get your child to do homework Parenting after divorce: Your e-mails answered Shared parenting after a divorce Discussing death, divorce with kids Behavior: Dr. Ruth Peters answers your e-mail FULL COVERAGE: 'Raising Your Kids Today'

How do you know if your child needs help? It's easiest to see it in interactions.  If a child goes out to play and is back in 15 minutes or is in tears; if nobody calls; if he doesn't want to go to school or claims to be sick a lot, parents may need to take action.

If you think your child might be facing rejecting from his friends:

Don't judge too fast
If your 4-year-old has been pushed off the slide by one of his playmates, don't automatically rush to his defense.  Young children are easily distracted, and are much more likely to toddle off to the swings than they are to take offense to their friends' actions.  Your child will mirror your reaction — so if you get upset, chances are he will, too.

Use your own experience as an example
It may help for you to haul out a humiliating story from your own past (being stood up for the prom might finally come in handy!) — but only if you can set a good example by explaining how you got over it.

Try to focus on helping your child find his own way to cope
"Say, ‘I know you're upset because your friends didn't come over. What are you going to do to make yourself feel better?’ This gives your child the opportunity to see himself as someone who can survive a difficult social situation. You may be surprised to find out that he has more inner resources than you think.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated
Remind kids that there have been times when the tables have been turned, and they've been the rejecter, so that they can begin to understand the importance of empathy in making — and keeping — friendships.

MORE FROM PARENTING

Parenting Section Front

6 tips to help parents talk to kids about racism NYT: When is it OK for kids to run around naked?   Keeping your teen safe from ‘sexting’ Politics or family? Women politicians’ dilemma Get your kids off the sofa this summer Have kids? Go travel the world, new guide says   Teens discuss divorce   Road trip essentials for kids Many teens believe they’ll die young   Images: Jackson’s children unveiled Parenting Section Front   Add Parenting headlines to your news reader: