Parenting after divorce: Answers to your e-mails

Slow down, chill out, and enjoy the kid!  Also, appreciate that the little girl really enjoys her mother and has a great bond with her.

However, to help move the process along, perhaps you can arrange for a Daddy-daughter day full of playing at the park, riding bikes, and doing some fun things that Mom really doesn’t like to do but the kid enjoys (laser-tag anyone?). Hopefully she’ll begin to see her stepfather as a resource, a dad who can offer time, knowledge and fun activities that even Mom can’t engage in.

Maybe you (mom) can back off a little, letting your new husband do some tucking in and reading while you handle some “emergency” phone calls or tidy up the kitchen.  A child’s acceptance of a new parent normally takes time; don’t try to rush it, as that usually is off-putting to the kid. Remember, you can’t force a relationship. The best your new husband can do is to be available, loving, respectful and demanding of respect in return, and to be a good listener.

RIVALRY BETWEEN STEPCHILDREN
Q: What do you about sibling rivalry between stepchildren and biological children??"

A: There will always be sibling rivalry between ANY siblings — that's the nature of the beast. Depending upon the individual child's temperament, the intensity of the rivalry may differ, but it's usually there, festering under the surface.

The main reason for sibling rivalry is perceived unfairness — that at least one parent is favoring the other child. Throw in a blended family situation, and/or a new baby, and you've got yourself quite a situation to handle.

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First, as with any new baby situation, do your best to include the older sibling in the caretaking (within reason), wonderful fuss (not only about the baby, but the big sis too), and some of the decision making (what shall we use as baby's nickname?).

If the step-sib mentions that the little one is getting too much attention, and that it's because she's the "us" child (not "yours" or "mine"), encourage the feelings, but also give some data.

Tell your daughter that she was fussed over as a baby when she was small and helpless, and that it's her turn, now, to do some of the big-sister things. Try to spend some extra time with her, take her shopping or out to the mall for lunch or a new outfit, or catch a movie together (without the baby in tow!). Describe how each child in the family is special and unique and that the new baby just helps to "cement" the family as a unit, not usurp the sib's position or status in the family.

Also, please warn Grandma and Grandpa, as well as the stepgrandparents, that this is an especially touchy time for your daughter.

Copyright ©2005 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved. Dr. Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to the “Today” show. Her most recent book,“Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” is published by Rodale. (See excerpts here.) For more information you can visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

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