Parenting after divorce: Answers to your e-mails

It’s possible that a discussion between Mom and Dad (and perhaps yourself included) would clarify her concerns and motivations.  If she truly feels that you are being unfair by taking away possessions, perhaps she can agree with you and Dad on another tactic that is effective, yet more palatable to her. 

Or, if she feels that the only way to the kids’ hearts is to buy them things, perhaps you’ll be able to convince her that spending fun time with them — at the park, tucking in at night, reading books — is what really brings kids and parents together.

If, however, you are convinced (and you’re being rational in your assumption) that she’s just downright trying to sabotage your discipline, then you’ll have to get more creative. Different consequences will need to be used in your home — notably, tremendous boredom.  The taking away of privileges (electronics usage such as the TV, DVD player, video games, radio), outside playtime, swimming, and even instituting an earlier bedtime) may prove effective. 

Consequences don’t have to be about loss of possessions, especially if Mom is able to sabotage that. In reality, kids hate to be bored, and the loss of fun time may actually bother them more!

A BAD EXAMPLE?
Q: I’m worried that my two failed marriages are setting a bad example for my kids. In particular, I don't want my two sons to be confused about healthy relationships between couples.

A: I’m glad you have awareness about this. Yes, you should be worried that your two boys are seeing relationships begin, yet end in disaster. Kids get their most important information about the world and its workings from the way their folks handle relationships; and seeing you make inappropriate choices in marriage, mishandling disagreements or putting up with improper behavior haven’t been good lessons. 

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You have to be proactive. Sit the kids down and explain, briefly and not in too much detail, what you are going to do in the future to avoid more drama and disaster. Regardless of whose “fault” the marital failures were in your mind, you do need to take some of the responsibility.  Explain your failings (again briefly) and how you will do otherwise in the future.  This teaches your sons that folks can make mistakes, but the important thing is to learn from these errors and to not give up. 

Meanwhile, take your time getting into your next relationship and be sure to look for the red flags.  Trust me, they are always there, you just have to be willing to see them! Also, encourage your sons to spend time with family members who are in stable, well-adjusted relationships so that they can see, firsthand, that healthy communication and successful problem-solving does exist. Spending weekends and vacations with friends or family whose marriages are comfortable will go a long way toward proving to them that it is possible to establish a healthy family, and that this is what they should be looking for themselves as they grow to adulthood.

THE 'EVIL STEPDAD' PROBLEM
Q: How can I help my new husband and 12-year-old daughter to bond? My new husband spends time playing with her and helping with homework, but she still only wants to be with me. How can I help them connect?

A: Sounds like you want your new husband to be best friends with your daughter. That’s wonderful and you should be proud of yourself for trying so hard. But realize that the child has had a lifelong relationship with you (the mom) and that your husband is the new kid on the block.  It will probably take a long time until she trusts him as she does her mother, and may be even longer to realize that his hours of playing with her and tackling homework are his attempts to get close to her. 

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