Parenting after divorce: Answers to your e-mails

In a special monthlong series called “Raising Kids Today,” the “Today” show is looking at issues surrounding parenting. In this second week, we have been exploring the effects of divorce and co-parenting; now psychologist and “Today” contributor Dr. Ruth Peters responds to viewers’ e-mails on many of the topics raised.

DATING AFTER DIVORCE
Q: My ex-husband is dating and our kids are very upset.  After a divorce, what's the proper way to introduce a new partner and when?

A: I’m assuming that they enjoy visiting with Dad for the weekend, and may have strong feelings about having to share their father time with another woman. As an adult, you’re probably concerned about several issues:  the kids getting the wrong idea about relationships (lack of permanence —“Dad lived with Mom, and now he lives with another lady”; sexual implications — “What are they doing in Dad’s bedroom when we’re not allowed in there?”; and jealousy — “How come he’s spending time with her when we only get to see him for a few days?”). 

Believe it or not, Dad does love his kids, but he may not be sensitive to these issues.  Give him the benefit of the doubt and have a parent-to-parent discussion with him (in person, without the children present, or perhaps via the phone or e-mail) about the issues of jealousy, sexual implications and the lack of permanence that a new, quick relationship implies to the children.

Suggest that he spend his visitation with only the children, at this point in time, and introduce a girlfriend into their lives slowly, only after they feel secure with the new living and visitation situation. At some point he can introduce a new woman as a “friend,” and she can spend time with them at the park, movies or some other public place.  Slowly, she can come to Dad’s house and share dinner and do more with the kids as the months pass. 

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There is no rush in terms of having her become a part of the children’s lives, since there are no guarantees that the new relationship will last and the children will have “lost” another parent figure.  Ask him to take it slowly, to see her when the kids are not visiting, and to focus on his relationship with the children when it’s his time with them.

DIFFERENT HOMES, DIFFERENT RULES
Q: Our kids — and stepkids — have different rules at different homes. Is that okay? How do you maintain family unity or consistency?

A: Unfortunately, it’s very, very difficult to fashion and live the same set of rules in two or three different households.  I’ve seen some families pull it off, but these are rare and tend to have exceptionally good communication between ex-spouses, the adults are mature and are also able to put the children’s needs ahead of their own.

First, it’s a good idea to have a pow-wow among the adults involved to see if they can agree on certain, important issues, behaviors and consequences — such as bedtimes, a no-violence/bad language rule, and the use of time-outs or taking away of important privileges. 

Using a point system (modified to fit the specific dynamic of each family) may be the easiest way to accomplish this task. If so, the kids will know that approximately the same consequences will occur for the same behaviors regardless of whether they are at Mom’s house or Dad’s house.

Special series "Today" opens up a monthlong dialogue about parenting with the help of the world's leading experts on the subject — parents themselves. Click below to learn more. Vote: Do you give kids everything they want? Help your child get over rejection How to get your child to do homework Parenting after divorce: Your e-mails answered Shared parenting after a divorce Discussing death, divorce with kids Behavior: Dr. Ruth Peters answers your e-mail FULL COVERAGE: 'Raising Your Kids Today'

If working together in this fashion is not feasible (the ex-spouses do not communicate rationally), then tell the kids that “In our house, these are the rules.  If you obey, then here are the rights and privileges that you will have. If you disobey, the consequences are as follows….”  Then make a list of your daily expectations, behaviors encouraged and those not allowed, and the consequences (rewards and loss of privileges) that will occur depending upon the choices made by the children each day.

If they note that the parent at the other home does not follow these rules, acknowledge that, but don’t get sucked into a huge debate about the differences.  This is your house, and these children are your kids when they are under your roof, so the rules to be followed on your watch are the only ones that you will deal with.

UNDERMINED BY MOM
Q: I discipline my stepchildren by taking away possessions. When the kids go to their birth mother's home she replaces the items. It has reached the point where the kids no longer miss the items we remove. What can we do?

A: Wow, I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes!  But, before we assume that Mom is undermining your discipline on purpose, let’s take a look at some other possible sources of her behavior.

It could be that she believes that your taking away of possessions is an inappropriate disciplinary tactic and that her children shouldn’t have to deal with that type of punishment.  Or, she may feel that she’s not seeing the kids much, and that the easiest way to their hearts is to replace objects that Step-Mom has removed. 

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