We agree never to say negative things about the other parent to or in front of the children
This is probably one of the most important parental rules. Children do not appreciate it if you insist on degrading the other parent by making unkind and critical remarks. They need and want to believe that both of their parents are doing the best that they can do to parent them. During a divorce, children are often less confident in their own judgment and also in their parents’ ability to care for them successfully. When you undermine the other parent, you take away the little confidence the child has and instead you ask them to join in a vendetta against the other parent. This and other behaviors can form the beginnings of what is called parent alienation syndrome. In high-conflict parent situations, parents break this rule constantly by taking most any opportunity to demean the other parent. This ranges from making snide personal remarks to citing specific behaviors of the other parent to which they object.

An example of this was recognized by Ann Landers in her response to a letter (published in the Hartford Courant, February 23, 2000). A “Dad in Ohio” wrote that his ex-wife was a liar as well as “conniving and manipulative.” He reported that he told the children, “Your mother loves you very much, but she has a problem telling the truth....” He went on to say that his approach of educating the children about their mother’s shortcomings had been successful, ending his letter by saying, “Believe me, it works.” Ann Landers wisely responded by discouraging the father’s actions. She stated, “Children of divorce have a tough enough time without having a father who berates ... their mother. So, please hold the cheap shots, Dad. Those kids have enough to deal with.”

Our child/children will not be placed in any loyalty conflicts and will not be encouraged overtly or subtly to take one parent’s side against the other
Your children are not pawns in a high-stakes chess game. Children of high-conflict parents are frequently victims of loyalty conflicts. They are caught up in the process of trying to say or do what they think will please one parent vs. the other. They go back and forth between both homes communicating information, comments, and offhand remarks—whatever they believe will win that parent’s support. This only puts the children in a position where they cannot be believed by anyone. Yet, high-conflict parents want to believe their children and often do. They quote the children, believing the comments to be true, and then they leap into the conflict arena. The children must not be the conveyors of parental information. Do not ask them what goes on in the other home in order to secure information. Rather than immediately believing that what they say is true, check it out with the other parent first. Children who are placed in loyalty conflicts are more prone to emotional difficulties. They can’t even rely on themselves to know or tell the truth. Their parents may reinforce this manipulative behavior for their own interests and satisfaction.

Are you willing to sacrifice your children to support leftover anger at the other parent?

It is in our child/children’s best interests to have two parents who love and care for them involved in their lives on a regular basis
Co-parenting always presupposes this rule. Postdivorce, this is your child’s best shot at a successful resolution. Unless one of you is clearly unfit, surgical removal of a parent is not in the best interests of your child. Co-parenting is even more complicated than parenting in general. The lives of your children are complicated logistically and emotionally. They need you both and you need you both. Together, you can preserve the children’s need to feel secure and loved by both parents and not force them to choose between you. This is what you expected for them when they were born, and this is what they deserve—even though you are no longer married.

We Understand that we may be divorced, separated, or never married, but we will always be the parents together for the duration of our lives or the lives of the children
You created these children together and you will be their parents together for the duration. The end of the marriage did not end your parenting relationship together. In high-conflict cases, it may feel preferable at times to parent singly. You may believe you can make your own decisions, lead your own life, not answer to anyone else, and seek no other consultation. You feel you are on your own with the children. When the hostility level gets high, this starts to sound awfully good. Nevertheless, you cannot make this choice unilaterally. The other parent is your parenting business partner, like it or not. Develop a good working relationship and get the business of parenting done well. Throughout the children’s lives there will be times when you must come together: recitals, graduation, illnesses, marriages, grandchildren, etc. Be sure you are there together for all of the events and issues in their lives. As the adults in this situation, you must approach each other with the same business acumen that you would when working with your most challenging colleague.

The above parenting rules are not optional. They are necessities. High-conflict parents have great difficulty following these rules and often try to bend them to meet their own needs, because they expect flexibility from others but have problems being flexible themselves. They truly possess creative genius when it comes to rule interpretation. In one case cited by an attorney, the parents were told by the attorney for the minor children not to pass messages to each other through the older son. They agreed. The next week they didn’t send messages to each other through their oldest son, but instead sent them through the middle son! In a high-conflict parenting situation, you shouldn’t take anything for granted. You must make sure that the definitions, even basic “common sense” definitions, are clearly understood by both of you. Many high-conflict parents say that they agree with the above rules and are ready to sign on the dotted line, but in truth they are only giving lip service to the issues. After all, how can they express disagreement with these rules? They are straightforward and clearly in the best interests of the children. Yet overt agreement coupled with covert disagreement can be disastrous.

These rules can help you achieve collaboration and allow you to effectively master the business of co-parenting after divorce. Remember that it is easy to focus on the other parent’s behavior and forget to evaluate your own honestly. Be careful and self-critical. Do not always blame the upset or misunderstanding on the other guy. You are in control of your own choices, words, and actions. Seize that control and use it wisely.

The foregoing is excerpted from "The Co-Parenting Survival Guide," by psychologists Elizabeth Thayer and Jeffrey Zimmerman. Reprinted with permission by New Harbinger Publications, Inc. Oakland, CA. www.newharbinger.com

MORE FROM PARENTING

Parenting Section Front

Report: Making math uncool hurts U.S. Benazir Bhutto: 'One Day' in a mother's life Teen recounts horror of sex slavery Nancy Pelosi: End the war for our kids' sake Scientists go online to discuss drugs with kids Essay: When Palin talks, women talk Ford 'MyKey' to set limits on teen driving Organic veggies … at school cafeterias? Parents' financial stress trickles down to kids Yoga at school causing some stress Parenting Section Front   Add Parenting headlines to your news reader: