We agree to make our children’s needs more important than our own territorial needs or needs for independence
Your children’s lives continue during and beyond your divorce. Your lives as parents should therefore continue to be dictated (to a reasonable degree) by the children’s needs and schedules. Their lives should go on in as routine a way as possible. Their activities, school requirements, and peer relationships are still important to them and their development. You have to adapt to meet their needs and to participate in their lives, a concept that is hard for parents who insist on thinking about their parenting schedule as “my time with the children.” They see every party, practice, activity, and school function as an imposition. They believe that the other parent is trying to take away their time with the children, make their life complicated, and interfere with their parenting relationship. Some parents are just not used to adapting their world to work well for the children, even if that means that they may have to miss a business meeting or a social engagement. Many parents try to balance their new lives, a quest for privacy, and their need for new relationships with work, the parenting schedule, and the demands of family and friends. Children can become pawns in this process and are often used as objects through which one parent can get back at the other. Every request for a schedule change, or for help in transportation, or even for the child’s participation in a new area of interest, can become a struggle and an opportunity to get back at the other parent. High-conflict parents are often heard saying, “Do not schedule the children for activities on my time” or “If Susie goes there, then I will be missing two hours of my time.” This then provides justification for saying “No” to the other parent and ultimately to the child. Be sure that your decisions are truly based on your vision of the well-being of your children and your knowledge of them. Decisions should not be made out of your desire to seize control, to make life difficult for the other parent, or to hurt them with an unnecessary power play. You only hurt the children and your relationship with them.

We agree to respect the other parent’s time with our children and not interfere with the scheduled agreement
High-conflict parents and their children need their parenting schedule—it provides glue and structure, and it helps keep the conflict in check. Aside from this, parents have lives too. They need a plan around which they can go forward with work, their social life, and new relationships. Keeping to the schedule also helps to build trust by reinforcing both parents’ commitment to the process and their respect for each other. Nevertheless, the most important reason to keep to the schedule is the consistency it provides the children. They expect you to be there for them and may not have developed the capacity for adapting to schedule changes. This is especially true for toddlers and preschoolers. In addition, schedule changes often are inconvenient and can make life difficult for the other parent. Keep them to a minimum. At times, adjustments are necessary, but the schedule should never be considered as an outline or proposal. It is an agreement. You wouldn’t keep changing the schedule on your business partner. As in business, reliability and constancy make for success in co-parenting.

We agree to respect the other parent’s parenting style and discuss any concerns at agreed-upon communication times
On the one hand, you as parents may strive for consistency in raising the children in two different homes, but you also have to realize that this goal is somewhat elusive. High-conflict parents often have a serious degree of difference in parenting style. They blame, criticize, and accuse each other of not caring for the children properly, corrupting the children, or not providing a safe environment for the children. Many times this is just a reflection of two diametrically opposed parenting approaches. Remember, you divorced (or were never married) for a reason. Sometimes you just have to agree to differ on particular points, to allow you to focus on bringing about a greater level of uniformity in other areas. Relatively easy areas to agree on are daily care, scheduling, and homework. The harder areas to agree on are discipline and peer relationships. Children learn to adapt to these differences and may even learn a valuable lesson by being exposed to different viewpoints. Or they may use these differences to manipulate you both as co-parents. Be aware of what’s going on in the other home but don’t try to parent the children over each other’s doorstep. No one has cornered the market on parenting, and believe it or not, you can learn from each other. Sometimes a method that works in one household can replace a tired and ineffective practice used by the other parent. Save your questions for your parenting call and never make evaluative statements about the other parent’s approach in front of the children.

Any disagreements or areas of potential conflict will only be discussed at designated times and not in front of or in earshot of the children
This is a rule that we discussed in much detail earlier. Never expose the children to your conflicts. High-conflict parents engage in hostile interactions, not the usual form of healthy disagreement. They rarely demonstrate the capacity to have a simple discussion in front of the children. Your conflicts upset the children and put them in an untenable situation, so save your feelings for protected times when the children are not privy to your tension. Remember, they need to heal from the effects of the divorce and the marital struggles, and they need a chance to recover without being constantly reminded of your continued animosity. Act like adults and protect your children. Without this protection they may experience anxiety and depressive symptoms, which may require professional intervention.

We agree to follow the parenting schedule by always being on time for the children
This rule seemed so crucial that we gave it a place of its own. Your life is important, but remember, so are those of the other parent and the children. It is not appropriate to be more than fifteen minutes late in most other areas of your life, so have the same level of respect for your co-parent and the children. Give each other reasonable leeway, but make every effort to be there when you say you will. In fact, we often recommend that high-conflict parents be five minutes early. Your children are counting on you to pick them up or drop them off. They should never be “left on the doorstep.” The other parent may need to leave for work, a meeting, or some other activity, and you need to be there at the agreed upon times and places. Again, teach your children the importance of timeliness and dependability by your own actions.

Any changes to the schedule must be discussed with the other parent first, prior to informing the children
When high-conflict parents are having difficulty communicating, they often rely on the children to convey information to the other parent. Parents are then placing the children in the role that should really be reserved for the other parent. They tend to discuss schedule changes and other issues directly with the children before they check it out with the other parent. Of course, the children are therefore privy to knowing the possible plans first and may be disappointed if the changes are not made. They can blame the parent who cannot or is not willing to accommodate the change. On the other hand, if the change is not something that the child wants, he/she has a chance to react before the other parent even has a chance at bat. Scheduling issues, vacations, and changes to the parenting plan must be discussed by the parents first. The decisions should be formalized before you present the information to the children. Older children (ages ten and over) may be involved in some discussions to give input where the parents deem appropriate. Remember that the child’s opinion is just input and not the final word. You, as parents, get that privilege—like it or not!

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