Discussing death and divorce with children

Never say "don't feel scared" or "don't feel sad"
Sadness and fear are the two most normal feelings attached to loss of any kind and are essential to being human — allow your child that, don't discourage it or they'll keep feelings bottled inside.

Remember feelings of loss change over time
Telling a child about divorce or death when they're four years old may be simpler than one thinks, and a lot of times that is because they don't often comprehend the entire gravity of the situation at that moment. That conversation is only seen and heard in that moment. That will change over time and a parent needs to be aware that they should keep those lines of communication open as time goes on. Parents should recognize their children will feel differently about the feeling of loss in days, weeks and years to come. With the passing of time, a parent should discuss openly with the child how they're feeling at that time. Feelings will constantly change and new events will cause the feelings again.

Parents need to be honest
The best way to have a conversation with your child about death is to talk about your personal feelings and your relationship with the person who died. It's about the relationship with the person who is gone, not about the death. So a parent may say, "It's very sad that granddad is gone now. My relationship with him was so wonderful, he warmed my heart. I know he always made you happy, too. It's very sad that he isn't with us any longer and I'm really going to miss him. We can always remember what a great relationship we had with him and share stories with each other about him." A parent should always shift the conversation to the relationship rather than the death, otherwise the child gets stuck on the death.

Are parents perhaps more afraid than necessary about discussing these tough subjects?
Yes, but that's natural. But a parent should remember that being afraid of having the conversation is also being afraid of grief. Many people don't want to talk about sad things, but all that does for the child is make them afraid of discussing it, too. Children need to grieve correctly and if a parent acts afraid to talk about these tough topics, then a child will also act afraid of both discussing it and feeling natural feelings about it. If a parent acts as if there is an elephant in the room, the child will always act that way too and be afraid to talk about it. And remember, children are very emotionally smart, they are not stupid. A parent should recognize that if they are afraid of talking about their feelings about something, the child will pick up on that and learn from that.

Bottom line, the most important thing to remember when talking to kids about serious topics is to be honest. Always tell the truth, about how you're feeling and about how the situation can affect all of you. Always let the child see your emotions so they know it's OK to feel, too. Not talking about it makes it a taboo subject, and that will never help them. Don't tell them, "Don't feel bad." That gives them a conflicting message. Remember to be communicative and honest as time goes on, because there will be different degrees of feelings over the event as the years go on. If you're communicating honestly, you can never hurt your child.

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