BEING A ‘COOL’ MOM
Q: How do you enforce the rules and still be a cool mom?

A: Face it — a “cool mom” is probably an oxymoron.  Cool, to a kid, usually means someone who is fun, witty, playful and “with it.” And that is not someone who makes a child get dressed on time, finish teeth, face and hair before breakfast, bring their book bag in from the car, complete their homework, take a shower, brush their teeth again, and get to bed on time.  Nope, nada, it’s not going to happen!

It’s great when your children are well-liked by others and frequently have kids spending the night or over for dinner, but there does come a time when even the circus takes a break and everyone engages in a well-deserved breather! That means that you have every right to reserve family time for yourself and the kids, meals without visitors, and bedtimes without a horde of kids sacking out on the couch and living room floor.

And, trust me; your child is definitely not the only kid whose mom sets some limits.  Why do you think the neighborhood practically lives at your home as it is? Well, it just may have something to do with the other moms and dads having had their fill of critters drinking milk straight from the carton and eating the ice cream right from the box. So, don’t worry about being cool — focus instead on what works for your family, what rules and regs you need to set up, and the structure that helps make your household work for you!

DEALING WITH A BACK-TALKER
Q:  I have a 3-year-old who is very aggressive, both in the way he speaks and acts. I'm concerned about how violent he can be. I am at a loss at how to reprimand him because nothing has worked so far.

A: Talking back to parents is almost a rite of passage for many kids as they mature through the developmental years. “You can’t make me!”, “That’s not fair!”, “I hate you!”, or even the proverbial adolescent “Whatever” are all sassy remarks that may make you wonder why you even had the kid to begin with! Well, consider that talking back is a child’s way of trying to get their own way.  If you said “yes” to their request to begin with, or didn’t ask them to turn off the TV and come in for dinner, they probably wouldn’t have become fresh.  It’s only when you get in their way that they jump onto the sassy bandwagon.

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How’s a parent to deal with this behavior?  First, realize that it’s probably just a habit, albeit a bad one.  Are you sarcastic, a screamer, or a back-talker yourself?  If so, try to tone this down as your child is watching and mimicking your behavior, especially when it’s the not so attractive stuff. Now, turn the tables on the kid who is being unreasonable and arguing just because you said “no” or interrupted his favorite TV program. Never, ever try to reason with the unreasonable. Trying to talk a child into seeing things your way — “Yes, Mom does have a point…. I really don’t need another Spiderman figure and it would be rude of me to fuss just because we are in the toy store” — probably isn’t going to happen.  Kids need consequences to change their behavior.  Give the back-talking child a warning (one warning) to stop the fuss.  If she does, praise her for her cooperation and move on with the day.  If she doesn’t, give a consequence.  The consequence can take the form of leaving the toy store immediately or giving a demerit that adds up to losing all privileges for that day (daily allowance; privilege token to be saved, added up and used to engage in interesting activities; use of electronics; outside play; and perhaps bedtime).  It has to hurt — not in the physical sense, but in terms of boredom and loss of fun time or possibly even possessions (toys, clothing, CDs, video games — whatever works).  If a consequence is not important to a child (both positive and negative), it is probably a waste of your time.

Do not tolerate back-talking, fresh-mouthed, sassy children.  You’ll probably grow weary of arguing with the kid, and so will her friends and perhaps her teachers in the years to come.  Set the limits now — not when she’s 15!

Copyright ©2005 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved. Dr. Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to the “Today” show. Her most recent book,“Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” is published by Rodale. (See excerpts here.) For more information you can visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

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