Are you a strict parent? Learn why it matters

Turn more responsibility over to children as they get older:  If one of the main goals of discipline is to promote self-discipline, then as children get older, you want them to begin to make more decisions.  You can start with letting the child make simple choices as a toddler. You can say for example, "Do you want me to help you put your toys away or do you want to do it by yourself?" Or you could ask, "It's your choice, if you write with the chalk on the wall, we have to take the chalk away."

As teenagers, parents can still remain firm, but can ask, "I don't want to nag you about your homework, what do you think will help you to get it done?" Or, "You can drive the car, but you must let me know where you are. Will that be a problem?" Basically, you use natural and logical consequences so children and teenagers learn that their behavior, which they have control over, results in certain consequences.

Select battlegrounds carefully: Everyone has heard this, but it’s not easy to follow. When dealing with toddlers, lessen battlegrounds by not having a multitude of rules, and make certain that the house is "child friendly." Don't have expensive objects all over the house so you are constantly telling your child not to touch something.

As children get older, increasingly ask yourself, "What is really important?"  In my clinical practice and workshops, I ask parents to list all of the things they expect their kids to do each day, and for some it is a very long list.  I suggest that as kids develop, issues of curfew, drugs and respect for others deserve more focus than whether the bed is made perfectly or whether a child is a straight-A student.

Remember that the most powerful form of discipline is positive feedback and encouragement. At all ages kids need unconditional love, they need us to be there for them and to offer realistic praise.  While toddlers are more likely to accept this, in my experience teenagers — even as they are pushing parents away — want parents to be there for them.  One teenager, whose parents set few limits and who became pregnant, said, "If they had set limits I may have fought them, but at least I would have known they cared about me."

For more information on Dr. Robert Brooks' parenting techniques, you can go to his Web site at www.drrobertbrooks.com.

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