Letting go
My mother had a stoke in 1987. It left her unable to talk, eat or walk. She lay in a bed for six-and-a-half years. I took care of her in my home 24 hour a day. The hardest thing was watching my mother lay there day in and day out not able to let be know how she was feeling. Knowing that she was in pain and very uncomfortable, there was not much I could do. I prayed every day for god to relieve her from her pain. The last two weeks of her life was in a hospital fighting to breath, I didn't want to let her go, but it hurt more watching her suffer. I miss her so much; she died a year ago. I know she is at peace now. I let her go and think of all the good times I had with her. But, if she could talk to you she would probably tell me to do the same thing.
—Virginia

Dad didn't want this
Recently I had to help my mother make a decision about my 80-year-old father who, for whatever reason, had gone into respiratory arrest and gone a period of time without oxygen, thereby suffering brain damage. His situation was such that the doctors needed to know if he stopped breathing again or his heart stopped...would he want to be resuscitated. Due to many long conversations, we knew that dad did not want this. However, after we placed a DNR, the doctors told me that my father's condition was worsening and would the family agree to "with hold all medical treatment including hydration and nourishment. I told them to continue to treat my dad just as they had and leave it in God's hands. My father drifted away from us four days later with me at his bedside. I never even told my family that the doctor's had made this other offer to us. I knew how hard it was for them to go through the DNR order. So I felt it best to just forget the other offer.
—Teresa Sweet, Laurel Hill, N.C.

Knowing when it's time
Two years ago my father had a rather complex surgery that was supposed to be fairly easy one to recover from. But, 16 days later in the ICU area dad suffered three major heart attacks and continued to live on machines and medicines. All of these things weren't what he wanted in order to survive in life. His third wife couldn't and didn't know when to let him go. If I, his daughter didn't step in, dad would have died having more major heart attacks. In the middle of the night, I had to plead with medical personnel to stop treatment so my dad could go in peace. Thankfully, someone listened. All of us who dearly loved him were with him as he went peacefully a few hours after the medicines were stopped. It was the hardest thing to ever have to do in my life. Although I knew my father's wishes and he had no Living Will. I can't judge other folks choices in life for their loved ones. I feel Terri's parents have their child's best wishes in their hearts and will know when to let go.
—Diane Herrig, St. Petersburg, Fla.

Convenience or best interest?
An elderly bachelor uncle of mine was taken off of life support a few years ago, and I have always felt strange about his death because the people whom he entrusted to make the decision, my cousins, did not treat him well once his money had been expended for many years of medical care, and seemed to be relieved at his demise. Needless to say, I will always wonder whether the decision to disconnect life support was made for their convenience or because it was in his best interest.
—Anonymous

She tried to tear out the IV
My mother was 88-years-old when she had a major stroke, which paralysed her left side and left her speechless and unable to eat because of paralyzed vocal chords. She was also in severe pain due to a severely degenerated hip. Fortunately she had a living will and violently reinforced her wishes when she tried to tear out the IV with her good arm. The Docs, however, still insisted on inserting a feeding tube and were quite indignant and hostile when I exercised her will (and my) refusal, which added significant stress at a sensitive time. She was transferred to a wonderful Hospice nearby where with skill and compassion they minimised her pain and made her comfortable. Two weeks later she died peacefully and with dignity. I never regretted the decision, feeling that to keep her alive would have been cruel and unusual punishment with no possible value for her prolonged suffering.
—William Piper, Reisterstown, Md.

I will never know if I did the right thing
My brother was 57 years old and had been in and out of the hospital for over a year, with multiple medical problems, mostly brought on by adult diabetes. It was very sad to see him deteriorate. He was in intensive care twice over this period and both times on a respirator and breathing tube. He did however recover and leave the hospital. On his last admittance into the hospital for respiratory issues, he experienced a heart attack and due to extenuating circumstances became comatose and was pronounced paralyzed from the neck down. Although he did regain consciousness he went in and out and the doctors advised us that he would never walk and that he would not survive if taken off of the respiratory equipment. His being 57 and not wanting to die that young made the decision a terrible one for me (I am his youngest sister and I was responsible for making the final decision), I decided that being a very vibrant and out going person he would never be happy being paralyzed and on respiratory equipment. I had the respiratory equipment removed and he passed on a week later. I will never know if I did the right thing, but at the time it seemed to be the right choice for him. These choices are heart wrenching and I advise all of you out there to create a living will so that your loved ones will not have to make this decision.
—Meredith Tallis, Hinsdale, N.H.

Fighting every day
My adopted parents were faced with a troubling, difficult decision. Their choice was to have my life end or chance my life being filled with medical bills they could not afford. Knowing I had severe brain damage they still made the choice to let me live. I was only 13 months old at the time. The amount of brain damage I live with to this day is a great amount. My whole life I attended classes for the disabled. I am stronger because of having to fight for my life since the very day I was born. I now understand that is probably why I was put up for adoption. When something is God’s will, people have to accept that. They have to look at the fact that I did not want to live this kind of a lifestyle all my life, but as an infant I chose to fight for my life after all instruments were removed.
—Anonymous, Tuscon, Ariz.

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