Find your way out of
a 'toxic' relationship

This controller convinces you that you cannot live without him, and because he has undermined your confidence and feelings of self-worth, you believe it. This is why many women can't seem to break free, or leave but end up back in the relationship. When a person first leaves the controller they have these horrible feelings of not knowing who they are at all, and this terror will make them return to being the abused and submissive person who thinks they will at least be taken care of and have some identity. The role of victim and martyr can be a draw for some women, particularly those who have carried around guilt of their own for some past issue. Women who grew up in a home where their father was controlling and abusive to their mother will often repeat the same thing with a partner and feel that, like their mother, somehow they deserve it.

Is change possible?
Some women think they can get their partner to change, but in fact no one changes who doesn't want to themselves. Unless he can see that his behavior is destructive and he wants to get help for his problem, he will not change. He would need to address why he feels so angrily powerless inside that he needs to push you into submission to feel validated. Frankly, this is a long shot at best.

The effects of such a relationship can undermine a woman's self-esteem and her ability to be intimate and trust. Lasting fears of being taken advantage of, being hurt and being unable to give and take in a relationship can take time to overcome. Similarly, there are lasting effects on the children of such a couple. A child may suffer lots of guilt, feeling that they should be able to protect Mom yet also being very angry with and even wanting to hurt Dad. They have trouble trusting a relationship and fear losing control or being controlled. They may be doomed to repeat either being a victim or a perpetrator in the future.

In order to get out of such a relationship, the person being controlled needs to gather supporters who will help her feel safe and secure, and who will reinforce her ability to take care of herself and know who she is and what she wants. She will need a safe haven, because when she leaves he may try very hard to get her back by notching up the threats. Some people do become truly violent in this circumstance, and the woman should take seriously any threat made to her or her loved ones. If such a threat is made she should go to the police and seek a place to stay that the partner will not find. Once a woman has decided to end a controlling relationship, it is better to have a clean break. Trying to go bit by bit will only result in coercion from her partner and her inability to leave.

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