Find your way out of
a 'toxic' relationship

If there's someone in your life who drains, criticizes or judges you to excess, chances are you're involved in a "toxic" relationship. In this part of a three-day series, we examine how to identify these harmful relationships and free yourself from them. Here, “Today” relationship contributor Gail Saltz shares her advice for women dealing with a partner who is controlling and emotionally abusive.

Unfortunately, many women find themselves in an emotionally abusive or controlling relationship for quite some time before they are able to figure out what is happening. This is because the signs are very difficult for the person being controlled to spot. The manipulator will often choose someone who is susceptible to being controlled and undermined due to their own lack of confidence, dependent needs and desire for someone who will appear to protect them, care for them, give approval and make them feel needed.

Why and how do they do it?
The controller’s purpose is to gain power and get what they want by undermining their partner’s sense of who they are, thereby getting them to constantly submit.

They use tactics such as:

• Intimidation — Using implied or veiled threats about withholding their love or leaving.
• Guilt-tripping — Implying the partner is not caring enough or is too self-centered. This works especially well with more conscientious people.
• Shaming — Putting down, insulting and using sarcasm to make the other person feel inadequate. This way they stay in power as the other person weakens.
• Charm — A good controller is always seductive and knows how to be flattering at times in order to reel in their partner and bind her more tightly to him.
• Turning the tables — They will claim that they in fact are the victim and are being put upon, to deflect any blame or confrontation and further induce guilt in their partner.

Only on TODAY.MSNBc.com! Dr. Gail Saltz answers your questions about relationships, both romantic and not. LAST WEEK: Notary: Why can’t I sign my own name? ALL RELATIONSHIPS THURSDAY COLUMNS

As you can see, these covert methods of undermining a person’s confidence and ability to see what is really going on can be very effective. So effective that signs you might see in yourself (if you are the one being controlled) are:

• Who am I? — A feeling that you don't really know who you are anymore. You start to believe you are all these shameful, terrible things or are becoming someone you don't even recognize.
• Chronic fear — For reasons you can't quite name, you feel afraid all the time. It is the fear that you are losing yourself and that you are powerless.
• Fantasies of escape — Whether they are thoughts of fleeing the relationship or even thoughts that you or your partner will die so you will be free, these kinds of frightening thoughts will come to you.
• Questioning reality — The controller is so busy changing the reality of what he is doing by denying, lying, rationalizing and beating up on you that you really no longer trust your sense of what's really happening anywhere and with everyone.
• Isolation — Controllers work to isolate you from anyone else in your life who may support you and make their work more difficult. They may be intensely jealous and keep you from both friends and family. Eventually you find yourself isolated from everyone but him.
• Lying — You will start lying to others in order to collude with him that nothing is going on. You will defend him despite your own panic and this will require distorting the truth to anyone that asks.

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