Disciplining the kids: Break your bad habits

When you’re questioning rather than requesting
Asking a 7-year-old “Would you like to turn off your favorite TV show and take your bath now?” will most likely be met with either a resounding "no!" or simply with silence. You’ve been ignored again.  Get used to it, you’re a parent!  By asking rather than by requesting a behavior from your child you are literally giving him or her the choice as to whether to comply or not. If that’s the case and you really don’t care if the child takes the bath at that time, then your statement is fine.  But, if what you really mean is, “Sarah, I want you to turn off the TV and hop in the bath, it’s almost bedtime,” then you need to state it as a request or a demand, making it clear to the child that putting it off to later is not an option.

The effective way to handle it
Stop and think before talking, that should take care of the problem.  Use the correct language: If you want something done at or by a certain time, then state it definitively — exactly what it is that you want, and when it should be started and completed. I’ve found that most kids, when asked to do something, usually want to put it off until a more convenient time, which could also be never.  So, take away that option — stating “Please be in the tub before 8:30 p.m. You can read in bed after that for a few minutes, and then I’ll come in to tuck you in.” If the child does not comply with your request (and remember, it was not a question, it was non-negotiable), give a consequence (no TV the next day or loss of outside playtime). And, be sure to follow-through with the consequence by leaving yourself a reminder note for the next day.

When now means whenever
A similar ineffective disciplinary habit occurs when parents are fuzzy in terms of when things are to occur or to be accomplished. As adults, we pretty much know that when we ask someone to do something now, it’s mutually agreed upon that that means “at this time,” or “within a few minutes.”  But kids just don’t get it, mainly because they don’t want to be interrupted when doing something that’s interesting to them, especially to turn their attention and efforts to accomplishing something that may not be fun (such as completing homework). Children will diligently argue, and sometimes quite convincingly so, that they were “about to do it,” that they were just getting ready to get up and wash their hands, turn off the TV, or complete their homework. The truth is that most of the time they put off the inevitable until the last minute, or until Mom’s nagging gets louder.

The effective way to handle it
Get a portable, digital countdown timer and use it! Kids respond beautifully to “beat the buzzer,” and will almost always comply and get moving when you’ve made your request. Use the timer to get them into the shower, out of the bathroom, dressed on time, out to the car to help you carry in the groceries or to begin their homework.  Children thrive on structure, and timing is one of life’s most tangible ways to organize the day.  It also is the fairest way to discipline your children.  State what needs to be accomplished, give the time limit, mention the consequence that will occur if not completed on time, and set the buzzer.  Life is good with a timer — the kids can’t complain that you didn’t warn them, and best of all, it works!

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