Disciplining the kids: Break your bad habits

When yelling is your first reaction
Have you turned into the screamer that you always said you’d never be?  Do you reprimand loudly as a knee-jerk reaction to your child’s rudeness or misbehavior? Or, do you say things that, the minute they’re out of your mouth, you regret having said?  Kids have a way of pushing our hot buttons, and some children are pros at it! But that doesn’t negate the negative effects that screaming, reprimanding in a nasty tone of voice, or calling kids names (stupid, irresponsible, lazy) have upon your child’s self-esteem.  Hurtful comments can be apologized for, but they are never really forgotten, or forgiven.  Children become resentful when they are screamed at, and rarely is this a successful way of getting your child’s attention or affecting a change in behavior.

The effective way to handle it
Although it may seem easier at the moment to yell at the kid, or to call him lazy or irresponsible (even if his actions are lazy or irresponsible), please don’t give in to the urge.  As an adult, you do have control over what comes out of your mouth, but it may not always be easy to exert that control.  If you see that you are becoming a screamer, work at stopping yourself as you feel your blood beginning to boil.  You know the feeling, when you just want to blow your top because once again, grape juice has been spilled on the carpet and you’ve told the kids at least a million times not to take it out of the kitchen. Screaming at them obviously doesn’t work, or the juice rule (“only in the kitchen”) would be followed. Count to 10, take a trip to the bathroom and wash your face, or have the child go into a time-out while you decide what to do.  The consequence may be that your daughter will have to try to clean up the mess, donate money to rent a carpet cleaner, or do extra chores that weekend while you steam-clean the rug.  Or, if you’re using a behavior management system (which I highly recommend to all families), give the child demerits, and the misbehavior may result in the loss of all privileges that day and the daily allowance.  If you absolutely can’t come up with a consequence that makes sense at the moment, tell your child that there will be a significant negative event happening later that day, but that you’ll get back to her after dinner with the verdict.  Buying time gives you the space to cool off, lets the kid stew about the possible consequences, and you won’t have to resort to ineffective yelling or name-calling. Remember, if yelling really worked with children, we wouldn’t have to resort to screaming at our kids very often, since it would actually change their behavior.

When consequences don’t matter
It’s all too common when we are given a 10-day prescription for, say, an upper respiratory infection, to stop taking the meds after seven days as the symptoms appear to be waning and we’re feeling better.  But, all too often we find ourselves back at the doctor’s office the next week because the watered down medication regimen didn’t work and another round of antibiotics is in order. Analogous to that situation is using watered down, ineffective consequences with our children.  So many parents employ too-short time-out periods, or a time-out in the bedroom with the kid’s CD player, TV or toys available. Or, they take away electronics privileges (anything that plugs into the wall or uses batteries) for only an hour or two, during which the child is easily distracted by playing with siblings or enjoying a board game. On the reward side of consequences, many folks use privileges as dangling carrots that are just not that big of a deal to their kids (a trip to the library, 50 cents daily allowance for a 14-year-old). Of course these consequences won’t get the kid’s attention, they don’t really matter!

The effective way to handle it
Make consequences count.  If they don’t get the child’s attention you’re wasting your time. Time-out may have to be in a quiet hall for an extended period of time.  Know your child — if five minutes in the thinking chair does the trick (better behavior follows) then that’s great to use.  But some kids of the more ornery ilk may need 15, 20 or even 30 minutes of time-out in the hall, the bathroom or another safe but boring place. If your child lives for TV, video games and music then take away all electronics for the next 24 hours.  Put up a sticky note on your refrigerator to remind you the next day that electronics are forbidden, don’t count on Junior to remind you! Make the rewards interesting too — crank up the daily allowance for chores completed and good behavior to a level that gets your son’s or daughter’s attention, but is still within your financial means.  And, let them spend the money the way they want to (the purchase has to be legal, safe, and allowed in your home).  Too many rules and restrictions on using their money waters down the effectiveness of an allowance. If you’re using privileges, make them interesting to your individual child’s desires — some kids love a trip to Chuck E. Cheese's, while others would rather go to the zoo, rent a video, or have a friend spend the night.

When there’s too much talk and not enough action
I can’t tell you the number of my kid clients who complain that their parents yak, yak, yak, lecture, lecture, lecture, but really do nothing about the kid’s behavior or action. A whole lot of threatening without much follow-through is a recipe for family disaster. Talk is cheap, and trust me folks, it’s not really listened to.  The kid can write a dissertation on the dangers of jumping on the couch or running out in the street without looking both ways — he’s heard the lecture many, many times.  But that doesn’t mean that the yakking will change his behavior.

The effective way to handle it
When you make a rule — stick to it.  Clearly state (in 25 words or less, yes, count them!) what the child did to break the rule (for example, stuffing dirty clothes behind the bed) and what will definitely occur the next time it happens, (he’ll have to fold the entire family’s clothing by 7 p.m. that night). Keep it short, make eye contact with the child while describing the sequence of events, and move on.  Don’t belabor the point — the kid heard you and now has to decide whether you’ll follow-through with the consequence, and if he believes that you will, whether the consequence is noxious enough to motivate him to stop stuffing his own dirty clothes behind the bed.  If it works, great — move on to the next part of the day.  If it doesn’t, and his nasty socks and shirt are creating a distinct odor, make him clean them up and while he’s at it fold everyone’s clothes that are in the dryer that day. End of story. No ifs, ands, or buts, and, no further lectures or yakking about it!

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