Disciplining the kids: Break your bad habits

Wondering why it seems the kids don't listen to you? You've exhausted all options — taking away allowance, early bedtime and even screaming — but it still doesn't work. Sometimes it's about how you discipline, not just the mere fact that you are disciplining. "Today" contributor Ruth Peters was invited on "Today" to share her tips to help you break your bad habits.

Your 6- and 8-year old boys are in the backseat of the car, strapped in and heading home from school.  And then it starts, “Mom, can we drive through and get some fries and a soda? Huh, Mom … please Mom … I’m dying of thirst and he’s starving! Huh, huh, huh?”

This is just what you need — you had visions of hurrying home, unloading the boys and getting them started on their homework with a quick snack from the fridge. And, you really don’t have the cash to spend on fast food nor the inclination to give your kids junk to eat right after school. But you’re also not in the mood for the verbal onslaught that undoubtedly will follow a flat-out denial, so you do what just about any harried mom would do — you mumble a quick “Maybe, we’ll see.” 

Well, that will buy you about 10 minutes until the golden arches are in sight, but at least it gets you out of the car pick-up line and on the road without an argument from the guys. But boy do you pay for that maneuver as you deftly pass by all of the fast-food joints and swing into the driveway at home.  Now the kids are really furious since you “promised” (and since when did “maybe” mean “yes”?) and didn’t follow through on your word, at least from their point of view.

When maybe really means no
One of the most frequent disciplinary mistakes that I see parents make is trying to sidestep an issue with their children by saying maybe or perhaps when they absolutely know that they will not or cannot comply with the request.  Why do we do this?  Well, to buy time, that’s why!  Most folks do not like disappointing their kids, nor having to endure a barrage of nagging, whining and pleading.  At the moment they will do just about anything to avoid saying no, and that’s when the fun begins.  It really only buys them a few minutes or maybe hours, and children who can’t remember to brush their teeth never forget when you’ve said maybe to a request.  It’s just a fact of kid human nature, it’s nothing that you’ve done wrong. Parents want to avoid a fuss, and kids want what they want when they want it.

The effective way to handle it

Only on TODAY.MSNBc.com! Dr. Ruth Peters addresses questions about how best to bring up children. LAST COLUMN: Can my little boy invite a girl for a sleepover? GO TO ALL PARENTING WEEKENDS COLUMNS

If you want your children to tone down the nagging, muster the guts to say no when you really mean no, take the flack for a minute and then describe the negative consequences that will occur if they don’t knock it off! If they calm down, great.  But if they don’t, they will lose privileges for their misbehavior.

When no may really mean yes
Then there’s the parental mind-set that drives kids nuts — when their requests are automatically denied with a definite and resounding “no” from a parent who really hasn’t even processed it.  As soon as Mom or Dad hears “Hey, can we…?” you say no without really listening to the request.  It’s almost as if you’re on auto-pilot, and even if the kid asked for something reasonable, you’ve denied it without hearing the child out. Of course, that method doesn’t sit well with the troops, who feel that you don’t listen nor care about their feelings, wants and desires.

The effective way to handle it
Listen, think it over, and then answer the child.  If you really can’t give a yes or a no at that moment, then tell your son or daughter, “I need some time to think about that or to ask your father what he wants to do.  We’ll let you know right after dinner.” If the child fusses about needing an answer immediately, let he or she know that the answer will be no if they insist on an immediate response. Also state that there’s a decent chance that, given time to think, plan and check your schedule, you really may be able to comply. Then it’s the child’s choice as to whether to get smart and give you the time to think (and maybe go along with the request) or to push you into a knee-jerk no since you haven’t been able to take a breath and consider all possibilities.  Most kids feel good about waiting for an answer if you give them a definite time by which you will get back to them.

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