What chores at what age? A guide for parents

Today in "Weekend Parenting" we continue a series of excerpts from “Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” the most recent book by “Today” show contributor Dr. Ruth Peters.

Law #25:
Teach the Work Ethic
If you believe that kids just naturally grow up demonstrating good frustration tolerance, perseverance, and self-discipline, think again. All of these character traits are learned — and must be taught by their parents. Want to guarantee that your kid will develop a good work ethic and not cut and run when the going gets tough? Here’s how to lead your child’s development into a responsible, self-sufficient adult.

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Remember, perhaps not long ago, when you were anticipating your child’s birth? All the good thoughts poured in — how cute he would be, the selection of not-overused-yet-not-too-weird names you were considering, and how brilliant this offspring was destined to be. Okay, the baby is born, the nursery is decorated, you’ve finally figured out how to work the Diaper Genie, and little by little you even rediscover what sleep is. As brand-new parents, you probably faced some child-rearing issues, such as whether the baby will be allowed to cuddle in your bed if he awakens and cries during the night, or maybe you talked over toilet training or preschool choices in your early parenting discussions. So far, so good, but did the issue of how to foster your child’s work ethic happen to come up? You’re probably thinking “What, are you nuts? Let’s just get through this baby and toddler thing before we tackle that!”

Most parents are so absorbed with getting through the day sane and in one piece that it’s difficult to focus on something as nebulous as the work ethic. The fact is, many folks either assume that the kid will naturally develop the ability to work hard, tolerate frustrating circumstances, and develop adequate self-control, or they flat-out don’t even think about it.

But I can’t be emphatic enough — don’t put this off any longer!

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Daily in my clinical practice I see parents who have made the mistake of not taking the time and attention to teach their children to be workers and achievers. These kids have learned to settle for less rather than to face and challenge adversity, to become whiners rather than creative problem solvers, and to blame others for perceived slights and lack of success. This is seen in their shoddy schoolwork, inconsistent chore and task completion, and general irresponsibility. Trying to get Junior to complete his homework or to clean up his room becomes a major hassle, often resulting in a daily family drama including Mom’s nagging and Dad’s reprimands. “Where did we go wrong?” is heard as a chorus of laments when folks finally realize that their kids’ ability to tackle adversity, to postpone immediate gratification, and to work hard for what they desire has not occurred. Sadly, these are kids who often equate wanting with getting.

How to avoid this dilemma (or reverse it if it has already become habit) revolves around your own attitude toward work and issues of reward and entitlement. If your folks tended to give to you unconditionally (you didn’t have to earn your privileges or unnecessary possessions), then perhaps you’re raising your kids in the same manner. On the other hand, perhaps you grew up in a home where money was tight and you had to make do with very little. Often parents who felt deprived as children themselves vow to give their own kids as much as they can, not wanting them to be teased by peers for worn or out-of-style clothes. Not only does your son feel on top of the world when you purchase his first car for him, but you’re proud that you’ve provided for him in a way that even your own folks couldn’t. At least he won’t be riding the bus to school, having to sit with a bunch of freshmen and sophomores during his senior year!

Although your intentions may be noble, the result is often disastrous. And it’s often the kid who is the one who pays in the long run. Children who are raised with a feeling of entitlement — that the world revolves around them and that they are exempt from doing chores and taking responsibility — often grow to be adults who are bitter and resentful. Why? Didn’t their parents provide everything for them? Yes and no. They provided and gave too much in one sense — too many freedoms, privileges, and things. Yet they didn’t provide enough of the building blocks of the work ethic — teaching the child to postpone gratification by saving up her own money, confirming that wanting is different from needing, and that success and achievement are based on facing challenges and persevering.

You have to realize that even if you keep catering to your child’s whims, the real world certainly isn’t going to. And he’ll begin to feel the sting of that reality as he butts heads with peers who won’t cave in to his tantrums on the playground, or teachers who can’t be talked into forgiving incomplete homework just because of his adorable dimples. Your home truly is the training ground for the playground, the classroom, and the workplace. The expectations that you demand will set the stage for how well your child adjusts to the expectations outside of the home. By teaching your kids to deal with frustrations appropriately, perhaps by having them share the financial responsibility for buying sneakers that are beyond your means or your good judgment, they learn that they must contribute in order to receive. That’s the essence of the behavior-consequence connection (Law #5), the lesson that you get what you earn. Treating a kid to unnecessarily expensive sneakers without the child chipping in (even if you can afford them) sends the wrong message — that what you want, you get, even if what you want is unreasonable or even if you haven’t earned it.

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