How to help keep your kid from being bullied

I started my campaign to move Stephen into what I like to call the middle group — a few children who were like him in terms of sensibilities, interests, and social standing. His particular group grew to contain the two boys, Mark and Frank, who came to his birthday party, as well as Sarah, Katie, and Jana, who sat with him at lunch. Stephen’s parents did their best to have the boys sleep over whenever possible and to become friends with the other parents. As there is usually safety in numbers, when it became known that Stephen had a group of kids who would stand behind him, the bullying toned down. Why? He now had Mark and Frank as backup and a group of five to sit with at lunch. Sure, it wasn’t the most popular crowd and the cool guys didn’t go out of their way to be friendly, but they also didn’t go out of their way to beat on the kid anymore.

Most of us, like Stephen, have some not-so-fond memories of having been bullied as kids, or of even being the bully ourselves. Looking back as adults it may not make sense to have hurt others or, as victims, to have tolerated the wrath of a bully. But things look different when you’re a kid — maneuvering for social position, vying for admiration or attention, and fitting in with the popular crowd may be all that seems to matter during the school years.

As parents we want to help our children to avoid this seemingly senseless situation, or to at least facilitate their understanding as to why kids pick on others. To help get a grip on this, let’s consider the latest research on bullies and their victims, and what the best parental interventions are.

Bullies
Bullies are those who use negative actions (generally physical or verbal aggression) against others. Most research has focused upon boys rather than girls. The little we know about female bullying is that girl bullies tend to use tactics different than their male counterparts. Girls often employ indirect bullying, such as socially isolating their victims by excluding them from the group, teasing, or spreading rumors. Boys tend to use more direct tactics such as hitting, shoving, fighting, or aggressive verbal abuse.

Boy bullies tend to be stronger, larger, and more aggressive than their peers. Some research suggests that bullies are also perceived as athletic, handsome, outgoing, and socially magnetic. Therefore, the movie stereotype of the bully as a defiant social outcast may be more myth than reality. Indeed, bullies tend to hang around other aggressive kids, and make up about 10 to 15 percent of the school-aged population.

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When interviewed, grade-school bullies rate themselves as leaders, but the group they lead tends to be aggressive and cliquish, made up of those usually not accepted by more model students. They count on intimidation to raise and keep their status within the peer group. Even though bullies may be seen as hurtful to their victims, their intimidation often provides a certain social status. Other aggressive kids hang around them for protection and affiliation, and bullies are often rated as some of the most popular and socially connected children, especially in the elementary school years. The myth of the “low self-esteem bully” may be just that — a myth, since aggression, especially in males, often equates with status and popularity.

Therefore, bullies, especially those who assume leadership roles, may be those who use aggression effectively. There’s a great deal of competition for social resources during the school day (attention, friends, and allies), and effective bullies seem to be those who have learned to use their aggression to maintain their leadership role in the peer group.

Victims
Now let’s take a look at who these guys are shoving around. Habitual victims (those who seem to be constantly picked on) make up about 18 percent of the school-aged population. Many of us have been pushed around or verbally berated by another kid while growing up, but today, nearly one in five kids seem to be victimized year after year. Victims tend to be smaller, weaker, and shier than their peers. Kids with handicaps (physical, verbal, or learning), children who look different (are overweight, have unique physical characteristics, or who even are just consistently out of fashion) are picked on significantly more often than those who don’t stand out.

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Victims, especially those who endure teasing or taunts over an extended period of time, tend to develop low self-esteem as well as depression. Statistically, victims are the least attractive, socially inappropriate kids and generally are not aggressive in return. However, impulsive victims can overreact, feeding the bully’s behavior by giving him just what he wants — attention. This can be seen by the bully as further provocation and may actually heighten the taunts and teasing, especially if the victim reacts in a highly emotional manner.

What You Can Do
As a parent you can definitely tone down bullying at home by setting up clear rules about verbal and physical aggression, and the negative consequences that the kids will receive if they step over the line. This is one area of child behavior where it is absolutely imperative for folks to lay down the law. Bullying and tormenting siblings, friends, or animals should never be tolerated in your home, and it’s up to you to put a stop to it as soon as you see the perpetrator starting to tease or torment.

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