How to help keep your kid from being bullied

Today in "Weekend Parenting" we continue a series of excerpts from “Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” the most recent book by “Today” show contributor Dr. Ruth Peters.

Law #24:
Banish the Bullies
Who are the bullies? Who are the victims? And what can you do if you have one, or both, living under your roof? Plenty — from teaching bully-coping skills to encouraging social competence in your own kids. This is one area where children really can’t do it alone. They need your help and involvement to keep them safe, happy, and with positive memories of childhood.

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Let me tell you about Stephen. This 11-year-old sixth grader was polite, a good communicator, and a really nice kid. He was sensitive and wouldn’t hurt a fly. But apparently that can be a problem, especially when you’re a slightly built, non-athletic sixth-grade boy. Although most of the girls befriended Stephen, the guys in his class really stuck it to him. He told me that a typical school day might include being called a “fag,” perhaps getting his pants shanked (pulled down a few inches, usually from behind), and either eating alone or with some girls at the cafeteria table. Life did not feel good for this young man, and it really wasn’t his fault. Stephen was becoming more depressed as the school year wore on, and his folks brought him for therapy to see if I could help.

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Although kids of all ages can be bullied or be bullies themselves, it tends to escalate in the middle-school years. Children often pick on one another verbally or shove and push a weak classmate. Overweight kids are easy targets, as are children who dress, speak, or act differently than others. It’s a shame that our culture allows and perhaps even encourages these types of behaviors, but it’s still a reality in many of our school grounds, classrooms, and neighborhoods.

As I worked with Stephen, we discussed his feelings and reactions to the teasing and bullying that he received. We also reviewed what he had tried to do to discourage it — what seemed to work and what had been a dismal failure. According to Stephen, he had tried everything and nothing had worked. He said that he had ignored the taunts, but the bullies kept coming. When teased about his poor basketball dribbling, he tried making a joke out of it, bouncing the ball even more haphazardly. This only led to more hoots and hollers from the guys, and he wished that he could just disappear. Stephen’s mom had invited the kids over for his 11th birthday party, but only two boys showed up along with a bunch of the girls. Stephen, though, said that he had a great time at his party since the kids who did come were truly his friends.

With that realization, Stephen really started himself on the road to a happier life. Once a child realizes what true friends are, that’s half the battle won. As we worked together, I told Stephen that trying to make his way into the popular guy crowd would probably be a battle and was unrealistic. Anyway, who would want to hang around with those guys?

Of course, Stephen and just about any kid his age would, as children are usually quite taken with popularity and peer pressure. As adults we understand the ephemeral nature of being cool, but kids still don’t get it. And many who are obsessed with fitting in don’t seem to notice that other kids are in the same situation. Eventually I was able to convince Stephen that he was not alone — that there were other children who felt left out and bullied, but they just didn’t advertise it.

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