Wives reveal their secret sex lives

Their stories seduced me, leaving me envious of their ability to throw caution to the wind and curious as to how they did it — why they did it. A woman who engages in extramarital sex puts her own needs and desires before her husband’s, a concept many women, myself included, find both baffling and compelling. When it comes to extramarital attraction, there’s often an inner battle between the angel and the devil — between the “want to” and the “ought to.”

Should we indulge our desire to spend time with a man who stokes the fire that had been banked, a man who simply looks good, smells great, and flatters our egos? Or should we focus our attention back on our marriages, those loving relationships so bogged down by the typical stresses of daily life that passion and sex take a backseat to mounting orthodontia bills, mortgage payments, and endless household chores?

Can a marriage that starts with love, sex, and passion endure the weathering of time? In talking to these women, I learned that every woman thinks about leaving her husband. Or cheating on him. At least once. A woman who says she’s never thought about these things is either not married or in denial. Or she’s too afraid to admit it. Married women of all ages have emotional and sexual needs, and if their needs aren’t met at home they’ll seek fulfillment elsewhere.

Why does a woman cheat? How does she keep her marriage intact? How does she face herself in the mirror each morning? Who is she thinking about when she makes love to her husband? What does she tell her children when she’s not there for them? How does she endure the guilt of deception and how does she cope with the fear of discovery?

There are no simple answers, but the women I spoke with did their best to address these questions. I learned that the reasons women cheat are as varied as the women themselves. Not only were their stories different, so were their accents, their style of dress, and their socioeconomic status. I wanted you to meet these women and know them as I did. But to protect their identities, I have masked their names, hometowns, and family lives. In the editing of these stories, I have occasionally clarified areas that, in the telling, seemed vague or imprecise. I have generally kept the women’s own language and vocabularies intact to retain the spirit and attitude of these amazing women.

We can learn from these women if we’re willing to ask questions and listen to their answers. It’s time to start a dialogue. 

Excerpted from “Undressing Infidelity: Why More Wives Are Unfaithful” by Diane Shader Smith. Copyright © 2005 by Diane Shader Smith. Published by Adam Media Corp. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt can be used without permission of the publisher.

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