What to do when your child ‘hates’ school

Today in "Weekend Parenting" we continue a series of excerpts from “Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” the most recent book by “Today” show contributor Dr. Ruth Peters.

Law #22:
Stand Up for School
You may be surprised at the real reasons behind your kid’s whines of “I don’t want to go to school.” Children can be miserable in school because of social, learning, or anxiety issues — and these don’t just go away. Once you understand what’s really going on, you can help him overcome these obstacles to education.

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OK — it’s Monday morning and you’re just getting started. Let’s see ... take the dog out, grab a shower, and wake up the kids to get ready for school. All goes as planned until your 9-year-old son hits you with, “I don’t wanna go to school” and rolls over on his top bunk. Now what? Most likely you’ve had to deal with this before, and you know that a combination of tickling and firm persuasion usually gets your kid up and moving.

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Lots of children don’t want to get up and go to school, especially after having a weekend of fun. Hanging around the house and playing with friends sure beats having to pay attention in the classroom — so it’s not unusual for children to check to see if you’ll cave in and let them play hooky. It’s normal if your child tries this out occasionally, as long as he makes it to school without too much fuss. However, it’s a whole different ball game if the kid habitually balks at going to school or seems genuinely fearful or anxious about it. Kids, especially in the grade-school years, display school refusal behaviors for three main reasons.

• They feel at risk socially — rejected, ostracized, or ignored by peers. The school environment may be perceived as lonely, uncomfortable, or threatening. It’s tough when you’re 7 years old and you feel unaccepted and different from the other kids.
• Those who perceive themselves as academically inferior often feel picked on or teased by other children when they make errors in class, and many consider themselves to be dumb or stupid because of the teasing. (It’s humiliating to answer incorrectly in class with 20 kids watching your unsatisfactory performance.)
• Children who are very active, perhaps even hyperactive, can become extremely uncomfortable when expected to sit for several hours in the classroom, even with breaks for recess, lunch, and PE. These kids seem to be constantly chastised by their teachers to stay in their seats, to focus on their work, or to keep their hands to themselves.

Children who display one or more of the above problems tend to have school refusal issues at some point in their academic careers. Feeling lonely, dumb, or unfocused would be uncomfortable for just about anyone. Consider the adult who feels rejected by her co-workers at the office — it’s no fun thinking that others are talking negatively about you or that they have little to say to you. Or, if you’re having trouble completing a project, and day after day your on-the-job frustration mounts, leaving work at 5 o’clock becomes a relief. Or ever feel antsy or edgy because you’re cooped up behind a desk pushing papers or answering phone calls while you yearn to be working outdoors?

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