Overparenting

Charting their own course
On the other hand, if a child is made to believe that he couldn’t survive without his dad or mom bailing him out or somehow protecting him, it has the opposite result. Carducci says it sends a clear message to kids that they are incapable of success or decision-making without their parents. Furthermore, many professionals contend overparented kids are at a higher risk for anxiety disorders and depression. They also tend to have trouble charting their course later in life.

“Hot-house raised kids often need a period in which they need to wander later,” says Stearns. “This isn’t bad necessarily, but it’s not how life used to be. Kids used to graduate college and then enter the workforce.” He sees the delayed growing up, where kids meander after college, as their way of reclaiming their childhood -- leading the less directed and controlled life that they probably should’ve had as youngsters.

Another impact, says Stearns, has been on something even less intangible. “Parenting has become less enjoyable and that’s really the shame,” says Stearns.

Dr. George Cohen, a clinical professor of pediatrics at George Washington University School of Medicine in Washington, D.C., and a spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics, says that while overparenting can be a problem, there’s also the good side of it –- at least the children are lucky enough to have parents who are vigilant and care, albeit perhaps a little too much. “Finding a happy medium -– parenting enough but not too much -- is sometimes easier said than done,” says Cohen.

It’s not even that people who overparent are fanatics necessarily. They’re more than likely just confused and uncertain. “A lot of times the reason some parents are overly anxious is because they don’t know what to do," he says. "They read one article and it tells them to do one thing, another article tells them to do the opposite. Parents often don’t know what to believe or where to turn."

A good pediatrician can do an anxious parent a world of good, according to Cohen. "Sometimes people can start out as an overanxious parent but as they become much more comfortable they strike a better balance," he says.

Love them the way they are
Nobody is suggesting that parenthood can or should be anxiety-free. What they are suggesting is that parents love their children for who they are, not what they want them to be. Most people don’t excel in every subject. So getting straight A's is probably more about what you want rather than a true reflection of your child’s abilities.

Also, allowing your child to fail, experience frustration and negotiate his or her own way in school and life –- suffering consequences and reaping the benefits -– is not only wise, it’s essential.

So next time you’re tempted to phone your child’s teacher because of a bad test score, ask yourself: Is this as important as I think it is? Remember, the world will continue to exist even if your child fails his French test. The idea is that you want to take the pressure off of yourself and allow your child to learn on his own as often as possible.

Victoria Clayton is a freelance writer based in California and co-author of the new book "Fearless Pregnancy: Wisdom and Reassurance from a Doctor, a Midwife and a Mom," published by Fair Winds Press.

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