Tackle those grade-school and tween challenges

Got a child or two living under your roof who wanders the halls of grade school or middle school? Well, these kids are pure fun, as just about everything is new to them, and they are exploring who they are and where they fit with peers, on the academic ladder as well as in the athletic and social food chains. And, especially with the younger ones, they still like you a lot. In fact, you may be a god or goddess to them since you’re bigger, appear to be smarter, hold more of the power in the household, and make most of the decisions. And, more to the point, you can drive and have money to go through fast food joints as well as buy neat stuff at the toy, sport or department stores. So, for the moment, most kids this age still want your advice, need your help, and probably want your company! At least until the next phase, the teen years, begin! "Today" contributor Dr. Ruth Peters was invited on the show to offer some parenting basics for the grade-school/early tween years.

Grade school and the early tween years can be challenging. There are issues of discipline to the addressed, as well as arguing, talking back, learning responsibility, lying, cheating, stealing, and oh yeah … sibling rivalry. I know, I know, I’ve left out the good stuff like still wanting to sit next to you and get a back rub, hugs and kisses when the other kids aren’t watching, and the way that they still laugh at your jokes.

Have clear expectations
Grade schoolers and pre-tweens need to know what is expected of them — both at school as well as on the home front. Guidelines, limit-setting, and clear, fair rules go a long way in terms of letting your child know how far to push the envelope, what he or she can get away with, what behaviors are appropriate or inappropriate, and when to go along with the program even if they don't especially want to. Most kids are less than thrilled with completing their homework, and they'd much rather watch cartoons or even MTV than plow through their math problems. And, that's where you, the parent, come in. If your child knows that there's no TV until homework is completed or the kitchen is to be cleaned he'll comply, especially if there is a consequence attached to the requested behavior. Allowances, privileges, bed time, electronics (anything that plugs into the wall or uses batteries) are excellent consequences that will definitely motivate your kid to get moving. Also, limits and guidelines make a child feel secure — they know what is expected of them each day and understand what positive things will occur if they respond appropriately, and what negative consequences will happen if they choose not to comply. Security and permanence are especially important to your child during these years as they are trying to learn their academic fundamentals, sports, and just where they fit in with other kids.                       

Keep your child involved in activities, but only to a reasonable extent
A bored kid can be an unhappy kid, yet one who is overexposed to teams, lessons and activities is a worn-out kid. Children this age thrive on learning — both mentally and physically.

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Those who sit around tend to watch too much TV, eat too much, perhaps spend too much time instant messaging friends on the Internet and often become depressed. Some of the main jobs of childhood are to learn how to be cooperative with others, to have fun, to expend energy and to just goof-off. Sadly, though, many grade-schoolers either do not have friends in the neighborhood to play with or if they do, the time for it. Playing catch and flag football are not only fun, but relieve stress after a long day at school. Recreation is the stuff of childhood, yet kids often succumb to the lure of the screen, both television and computer, and spend most of their free time in a sedentary fashion. If this is your child, encourage her to get to know the neighbor kids, to dust off the bike or roller blades and engage in some real activity. If possible, sign your child up for a sport team where he'll learn new skills, make friends, increase his self-concept based on improved athletic prowess and expend energy in an acceptable fashion. Reasonably involved, active kids tend to be interesting, curious and fun to be with.

Teach your grade-schooler or pre-tween compassion
Some of the most important needs of children this age are to feel significant, valued, and important. The lucky ones may get these needs met if they are popular with peers, know how to successfully work a crowd or are the teacher's pet. Most other children, though, need to work at feeling significant, and a sure bet toward success at this goal is to involve them in an activity that helps others. There's no better way to feel important or needed than to help someone less fortunate. Volunteering at a local soup kitchen, day-care center, nursing home or animal shelter helps your child to value the positive things in her own life and will assist in developing her compassion for others not so fortunate. I've noticed time and again that kids who volunteer and help others are much less likely to tease, bully or harass others. Compassion is not innate — it is learned through experience with a variety of life situations. It's also not a bad idea if you're involved in the activity — leading by example works well and you'll probably feel better for the volunteer time spent with your child.

Encourage dialogue and communication
Whether your child admits it or not, you are the most important person in his or her life. Although he may respond with grunts rather than with words, your kid is depending upon you to be there for him — not only to give him a ride to the ball field or to the movies but also to talk to and listen to his concerns. This does not mean that he necessarily wants your advice or will use it; he may just desire your listening ear. If he needs your suggestions he'll let you know, especially if you've proven yourself to be a good listener — non-judgmental and capable of not interrupting him! One of the biggest gripes that I hear from children is that their folks are so anxious to fix the problem that they don't take the time to let the kid fully explain the situation — Mom or Dad have already interrupted and Junior shuts down, waiting for the same ol' lecture. If this sounds familiar — try to break the pattern by going for nightly walks when your child can talk if he wants to or the two of you can just be together. Some of the best communicating I've done with my own two children has been of the silent variety — just spending time together walking the dog or taking a leisurely bike ride. If she’s got something on his mind she'll share it — especially if you've proven yourself to be a good listener. Being your child’s confidant is not only a responsibility, but an honor not to be taken lightly. Also, consider the alternative — if she can't share her concerns with you and depends upon her peers for advice…well, now that can be really scary!

Now, let’s take a look at what can be expected from grade-schoolers and pre-tweens (even though they may not want to admit it!):

Expect, and you shall receive, responsible behavior. Kindergartners can prepare themselves for school in the morning (getting dressed, etc.) and work at least fifteen minutes after school on homework somewhat independently but may need a bit of your help.  They are able to make their own simple lunches, dress themselves, and learn to tie their shoes.  They can also begin to help younger siblings with dressing and other tasks.  This age child can help clean up after their bath (hanging up the towel, putting dirty clothes in the hamper), as well as making their own bed.

Six and seven-year-olds can work cooperatively with you on homework, as well as do much of it themselves. They can put their clean clothes in the correct drawers or hang them up in the closet, pick up their bedroom daily, and meet deadlines for bath and bed- time.  Early grade-schoolers can be expected to brush their teeth by themselves, answer the telephone and respond politely when spoken to. They can help with dinner chores, take out their own articles from the car each day and put them away.  Many early grade-schoolers can set their alarm clocks (with adult supervision) and wake up by the alarm in the morning (again, with your guidance).

Eight-, nine-, ten- and eleven-year-olds can continue with self-hygiene chores, and be totally responsible for getting ready for school.  Although they may need help and guidance with homework, they can do much of it on their own.  These kids can bring in the mail, take out and bring in the trash cans for pick up. They can be expected to keep their rooms clean and to help out with family chores such as dusting, straightening the family and play rooms, and helping to put away laundry. Setting and clearing the table are appropriate responsibilities, as are pet chores. 

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Instead of giving your children toys, treats or possessions upon demand, have them learn to save their allowance for purchases. Teach them to buy on sale and to budget. Have them wait a few days before impulsively making a purchase — let them see that they may change their mind and be glad that they saved their money.  Have them contribute at times to the rental fee for a video game or movie. Start a bank account and show them how to balance it each month.

Disciplining the Grade Schooler and Early Tween
No matter how well-mannered or responsible your children are there’s always room for improvement. Trust me, as a mom and a psychologist I know because I’ve been there! Kids are kids and adults are adults — and that’s where the differences in priorities often come into play. What now means to an adult is, well, now. To a child, however, now can be interpreted as “at the next commercial break”, “when I feel like doing it” or just “whenever”. Most families I’ve worked with have the problem of getting kids to do what is necessary in a timely manner. And, there are two other universal issues that I deal with almost constantly in my practice. First, getting children to take no for answer without an onslaught of nagging, hassling and begging is always a challenge, as is dealing with sibling bickering, fighting and teasing. Sound like your home? Want to stop it or at least tone down these maddening kid behaviors to a dull roar? Well, there’s no better time than the present to make some needed family changes.

Setting up a plan
To motivate children to get moving when they are asked to turn off the TV and come in for dinner, to take a bath, clean up the bedroom or complete their homework you have to have a plan. And, the plan needs to be simple and convenient in order for you to carry it out, have some teeth to it so that it will be effective, and practical if you are going to be consistent. Over the years I’ve devised several types of systems ranging from the simplistic to the tediously complex, and I’ve found that it’s a trade off of sorts. The more detailed and complex the rules are for the kids, the better the system works. However, when Mom or Dad feel like the program takes too much time and attention they begin to slack off, and so do the children. Most parents end up with a balanced approach — focusing upon the most important behaviors that need to be changed and using the most convenient form of keeping track of misbehavior.

All behavioral change systems have three components. First you need to set up a place to mark down demerits as they occur throughout the day. A calendar with at least one-inch square boxes for each day works well, and you can denote each child’s demerits by simply writing down the first letter of the first name. For instance, if Meghan doesn’t clean up her bedroom on time, writing an “M” on today’s box on the calendar notes this. If she displays another inappropriate behavior, another “M” follows and the total can be counted as the day proceeds. Of course, you need to praise the many acts of compliance, kindness and responsibility that you do see throughout the day!

The second part of the behavior change program is to determine how many demerits are allowed each day. The acceptable number depends upon how picky the parents are (and therefore how quickly demerits will be given) as well as how squirrelly the kids are! It may be wise to start by allowing eight or nine demerits per day if your kids are fairly noncompliant or impulsive and then lowering the acceptable number as the weeks go by. If your children are more cooperative, then you may want to start with permitting only four or five demerits per day.

The final component of the program involves setting up reasonable and effective consequences. Reasonable means that you and your child can live with the penalties and rewards for behavior—if you’re not going to follow-through its better not to threaten or promise in the first place. Taking the bike away for a year probably won’t happen, but you can follow-through with taking it away for a week or even a month. Also, the rewards that you offer must be within your means—don’t promise five dollars allowance per day unless you can afford that amount as well as believe it to be appropriate for your children to earn.

Effective means that the consequence is of significance to the child — it has to be enticing and interesting if it is a reward, or bothersome, boring or at least annoying if it is a penalty.  I’ve found that children dislike being bored more than just about anything else — so consider temporarily removing a privilege such as television, video games, computer usage or playtime. Time-out in a boring and safe spot can be effective for this age child. You can also use incentives for appropriate behavior to get your kids’ attention — whether it’s a daily allowance, clothing money or a later bedtime or curfew. Again — whether the consequence is positive (a reward or incentive) or negative (loss of privilege or time-out) it has to be important to the child in order to be effective.

Doing as told when told
Okay, now that we’ve discussed the basics that must be in place for a behavior change system to work, let’s focus upon getting your kids moving. The best tool that I’ve found in my almost thirty years of working with families is a count-down timer. This is a device that can be purchased for about ten dollars at any grocery store — it’s commonly referred to as an “egg timer” and can be found in mechanical or digital versions. I prefer the digital type as it’s more accurate and convenient to use, and I suggest that you buy one for yourself and one for the kids.

When you want your child to complete a task (brush teeth, turn off a video game, complete homework) just set the two timers, keeping one and handing one to the kid and state your request. “James, I’m setting our timers for ten minutes. You are to put your toys away before the buzzer goes off or you will get a demerit. And, I’ll be sure to check up when my timer buzzes.” Then walk away and just watch the kid move! No nagging, reminding or coaxing allowed or even needed — just praise the child when he beats the buzzer, or mark the calendar with a demerit if he doesn’t. No arguing or negotiating necessary — this takes the ambiguity out of parenting, and as most of us have realized, it’s those gray areas that cause so many family arguments! The task is either completed on time or it isn’t and children very quickly learn that there’s no percentage in arguing the point — their folks have already moved on!

Not taking” no” for an answer
Picture this — you’re in the grocery store with your six and 11-year-old children, and one is lobbying for a candy bar while the other is whining for a toy. Kids can be relentless when it comes to nagging their parents, especially when they are in a public place and know that Mom or Dad do not want to be embarrassed by bratty behavior. Most of us, at one time or another has caved in and bought the item just to placate the child and trust me, we pay for that weak moment time and again.

A behavioral tactic that works well with children who don’t like to take no for an answer is to give one warning (that’s right, just one warning) that if the whining, fussing or nagging doesn’t stop immediately then a demerit will be given. And do it. Threatening and warning without action only teaches the child to continue to nag and whine. Action (the giving of a demerit) speaks volumes, but only if you follow-through and provide the consequence at the end of the day if too many demerits have been accumulated. Remember that the consequence has to be important to the child or this tactic will not make a dent in toning down the inappropriate behavior.

Giving demerits for not taking no for an answer works with grade-schoolers and pre-tweens beautifully. These kids can be pro’s at nagging and begging, hoping that you’ll give in and allow six friends to sleep over, even if you have to get up early for work the next morning. If the kid request is unreasonable then say no and move on. Don’t even begin the negotiation or discussion if you really are not willing to allow the behavior or privilege. You’re sending the wrong message by saying “maybe” or “let me think about it.” Now, there’s nothing wrong with postponing a decision until you’ve gathered more data or had time to consider the alternatives—it only becomes a problem when you really mean no but are too wimpy to utter the word. Just say it and hand out the demerit if the kid keeps pushing. After she’s lost her telephone and computer privileges for the day and she sees that you’re sticking to your guns, she’ll get the message and understand perfectly that no means no in the future.

Make rules consistent, use catastrophic consequences and be clear
The three C’s — consistency, catastrophic consequences and clarity of rules are necessary in motivating children to change inappropriate behavior. It’s not always easy for parents to pull off, but in the long run providing incentives and rewards for proper actions or taking away privileges for inappropriate behaviors is a more pleasant path to a peaceful home! Consider it your gift to yourself as well as to the kids. Check out the following suggestions before setting up the system:

Before the family meeting. Prior to presenting the program to the children Mom and Dad need to decide what chores and responsibilities are expected and what behaviors will be considered rude or inappropriate. Most will be the same for all of the kids, with some idiosyncratic issues to be dealt with specifically for a certain child. Try to agree or compromise on what’s important.

Let the little stuff go. Focus on the important behaviors and daily expectations. If you make your list too long or complicated, most likely you won’t stick with it—and the kids will notice and begin to slack off.

Meet as a family. Present the idea of a behavior management program to the children. Don’t focus or blame one particular kid — state that it’s a system to help everyone get along better. Remind them of how annoyed they get when you repeat yourself constantly or accuse them of being couch potatoes or slackers. Apologize for your inappropriate behavior and show how it shouldn’t happen again now that they will be complying quickly and accomplishing their chores in a timely fashion.

• Buy the necessities. Go to the store and purchase a few count-down timers, perhaps one for each family member. Explain how you will be using it—setting the timer for ten minutes for bedroom cleanup, five minutes to get dressed in the morning and fifteen to take a shower and wipe up the puddles. Confirm that not beating the buzzer will result in a demerit. Also, purchase some poker chips to use in lieu of allowance money, clothing funds and privilege points to be saved up to cash in at a later date for a special outing.
• Set up the system. Review what chores/expectations each child must accomplish successfully each day and for what behaviors demerits will be given in terms of rudeness or inappropriate behavior. Go over the rewards (daily allowance, clothing credit, use of electronics, etc.) that they will receive or lose, depending upon work effort and behavior/attitude throughout the day. Make a list of privileges that can be “bought” via the poker chips and how all of the chips can be cashed in.
• Answer any and all questions, even the small stuff. The better prepared you and the kids are for the system, the more successful it will be. Clarify ambiguities and gray areas, explain miscommunications, and describe why certain behaviors will be counted as demerits. Compromise when appropriate, but stick to your guns if the behavior in question is important to your family code of values.
• Be nonchalant. If you have to give negative consequences watch that you are calm, not yelling or fussing yourself. Nothing gets a child’s attention as does a quiet parent patiently removing privileges. Many children are so used to screaming parents that it’s either water off a duck’s back, or you’ve just handed them reason to really be annoyed or angry with you. Give the consequence and move on.
• Live the system. Set a start date and get going on the system. The first few days may seem a bit tedious in terms of marking the chart or calendar, but after you and the kids get the gist it becomes second nature!

Sibling Battles and Rivalry

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Most brothers and sisters fight, bicker, tease and argue. I’m convinced that it is the sport of childhood as kids don’t seem to mind the ruckus nearly as much as their folks do! So don’t expect them to stop the fighting just to help out your sanity. But, they will learn to tone it down if you give them demerits for the jousting — especially if your family rule is “anyone in a fight gets a demerit — I don’t even want to hear about who started it.” Sure, they’ll be indignant at first if you stay out of their arguments and just hand out the demerits, but soon you’ll see that it just isn’t worth it to the kids to clobber each other (either verbally or physically) if all that happens is that they both gain a demerit. At times it will be unfair that the victim received a demerit also, but over time the inequity seems to even out! By using this system kids learn to argue quietly so that their folks don’t hear them, or they begin to ignore each other’s annoying behavior and become more tolerant in an effort to avoid receiving demerits. Of course, if the infraction occurred in front of you, then you can give the demerit only to the perpetrator. Rarely, though, are the battles or arguments so clear!

Let’s take a look at some common sibling squabbles:

Squabble Scenario #1: Backseat brawl
Squelch it with: “Speak up, kids! It’s time to go on the record!”
Put an end to petty problems without pulling over to the side of the road by getting those gripes on tape.  Stash a mini-tape recorder and turn it on when the he-did-this/she-did-that’s get out of hand.  When kids know they’re being recorded for posterity — or parental review — they’ll pipe down pretty quickly.

Squabble Scenario #2: Toy tussle
Squelch it with:  “Time-out for the toy!”
It’s a law of childhood: Put two kids in a room with 200 toys and they will fight over the one. Instead of enforcing separate time-outs for the squalors, place the toy in solitary confinement. A few hours should be enough for your kids to feel the plaything’s absence (or forget about it altogether!). If they want their playing privileges back, they’ll band together to bail out the banished toy. And once they learn that fusses mean instant removal, they’ll keep their quarrels quiet and work them out on their own.

Squabble Scenario #3: It’s-my-turn mania
Squelch it with: “Sounds like it’s my turn … to spin the wheel.”
You name it, kids fight over it — who picks the TV show, who gets to ride in the middle seat …Steer clear of sulk-inducing “unfair” decisions by setting up a name wheel. Raid a board game for the spinner, write the kids’ names on it and post it on the fridge so you (or they!) can resolve spats with a quick spin.

Kids still bickering?  Consider using the following parenting tips, techniques and tactics:

Teach your kids communication skills. To best help your family with sibling squabbles try to teach your children to communicate their complaints, gripes and grumps about each other appropriately. To help avoid miscommunication consider the following:

• Acknowledge the feelings that the kids are expressing.
• Help them to label feelings accurately.
• Teach them to create compromises or other actions that will resolve the problems.
• Set guidelines for future behavior when the conflict occurs again.

Be prepared to use a demerit system. If the kids continue to be unreasonable and you see that miscommunication is not the problem consider using a behavior management program. Include loss of privileges and possessions as well as the ability to earn rewards in your system.

Realize that sibling squabbles are normal. Most kids fight, tease and even become aggressive with brothers or sisters.

Allowing is encouraging. Realize that if you let a lot of this nonsense go on, you are actually encouraging the battles.

Don’t be consistently inconsistent. If you say that you will be giving a negative consequence for bickering — do it and don’t back down!

Don’t play judge and jury. Try to catch yourself asking the kids “who started it?” It really doesn’t matter and they probably will blame each other, so what’s the point? Just give all of the involved parties a demerit and move on!

Try not to compare the kids. Children are always on the lookout for your “favorite”, and even though you love them the same, you probably like different things about each of the kids. Try to compliment when deserved and direct constructive criticism to the action, not the child.

Kids and Arguing
How many times have you thought, “Boy, if I ever argued with my parents the way my kids do with me, I probably wouldn’t be here today!”  Well, if that’s a frequent occurrence in your home, believe me, you are not alone. Youth culture today, even with children in grade school, seems to be sassier and perhaps more argumentative than in past generations. Why? Well, take into account that they are hearing and seeing some commercial-grade language and “attitude” on TV, on the playground and in the halls at school, and are also picking up on this stuff via older siblings.  And, as our lives have become more hectic, perhaps we as parents have not taken the time to notice, respond to and tone down this rude behavior. What’s a parent to do?  Well, let’s take a look at some of the most common back talk retorts rendered by our children:

First, there’s the old stand by, found in every house that I know of where kids are old enough to talk, “That not fair!”  When my kids were growing up, it was the rare week or perhaps the rare day that I didn’t have to deal with that one.  The only sane response, I’ve learned, is to agree with the kid.  “It may not seem fair to you at this moment, I understand.  But just because your brother is getting new sneakers and you’re not (because you don’t need them) is fair as far as I’m concerned.  There will be other times that you get something or are allowed to get a privilege that he won’t — that’s just how our family works.  Those who need something get it, and those who don’t, do not.  End of discussion.”

Now, will Junior be happy with this explanation?  Probably not, but if you repeat it every time that he begins an “its not fair whinathon”, eventually he’ll see that you’re sticking to your guns and arguing about it is only a waste of time.

Got a kid living in your house that’s a bit of a control freak and usually argues when asked to comply with a request with, “You can’t make me!”? These are especially fun kids — saying no to a request even before they’ve had time to process it.  This is also known as “cutting off your nose to spite your face” — when just doing the requested action is no big deal, but it somehow symbolizes to the little guy that he’s in charge and needs to draw a line in the sand.

Smart parental response?  First, keep calm — he’s just a kid and you probably outweigh him and are smarter than he ever thought of being.  Plus, you’re the mom or dad and what you say goes.  Give him the request, “Jason, you have to put your Legos in the yellow bin.  I’m setting the timer for 5 minutes.  Any Legos left out will be thrown away — it’s your choice.” I’ve found that timers and “it’s your choice” are wonderful tools to use with ornery kids, especially grade schoolers. The timer makes it black or white — the kid either cleans up the toys or pays the consequence (be it loss of the toys, a time-out, a demerit or losing a trip to the park planned for later that day). And, it’s Jason’s choice — children need to feel some control over their actions, and by giving him the clear consequence (and you not freaking out and yelling, but calmly applying the consequence) soon he’ll be making wiser choices. Remember; never try to reason with the unreasonable.  Children can be somewhat self-absorbed and often unreasonable, and to expect your child to see things your way (picking up toys at the end of the evening so that the next day starts out orderly) is probably not high on their agenda.

Now, how about the grade-schooler who all of a sudden wants to jump on trampolines (although you’ve restricted that in the past), play with toy weapons, or ride his skateboard while holding on to the bumper of his friend’s family car as they cruise the neighborhood?  Sounds like your child has been hanging around Evil Knieval a bit too much.  And, when you say “no” to these requests, he either does them anyway or hits you up with the age-old argument “Everyone else gets to do these things.  Why can’t I?  You treat me like such a baby!”

Okay, after you’ve pulled yourself off of the floor, try to think of it from the kid’s perspective — probably at least one child is doing as least one of these activities, and your son feels like he’s missing out on the fun by not being able to join in. Or, perhaps he is being made fun of for not participating.  Discuss options with him, such as coming home when the play gets too risky or suggesting another activity.  But, definitely tell him two things:

Not everyone is allowed to do this dangerous stuff, and in your mind perhaps the parents who do condone it are not aware of the harm that could occur. And, you are his parent and you make the decisions that are in his best interest for health and safety.

No ifs, ands, or buts about it. No means no when it comes to engaging in dangerous activities. Draw the line in the sand and stick with it. The kid may not like you for a day or two, but that’s okay — at least he’s safe.

That brings us to another argument or back-talk high on the hit list, the “I’m so mad at you, I hate you!” retort. First, tell your furious daughter that you understand her emotion, and that you’ll be glad to further discuss the situation later when everyone has calmed down.  But, let her know that you will not tolerate back-talk or rudeness from any of your children. Teach her to verbalize, or write down, her feelings explaining her side of the argument. Agree that you will reconsider her request or issue if she’s polite in her approach, but that in no way guarantees that you will change your mind on the issue. The point is to let her know that you respect her feelings — mad, sad, happy, embarrassed, but that she is to present them in a civil fashion, not as an argument, or you will be less likely to listen to her message since you’re so caught up in her rude tone of voice.

Trust me, these are only a few of the potentially rude back-talk that kids come up with as they grown through their grade school years.  It’s normal, but very, very annoying.  And, this argumentativeness will not go away until you make it very clear that you will not accept it, that there will be consequences for arguing, and that you expect civility in the house.  But, if you expect your children to be civil, so must you. Watch out for how demanding or argumentative you are (rather than polite asking), the language that comes out of your mouth, and whether you show appreciation when the kids are compliant and responsible.  It’s a two-way street, and you are the role model for your children’s behavior.  Sure, they are picking up some nasty stuff from their peers, but they can learn what is acceptable and respectful for your own home by your actions and verbalizations.

Lying, Stealing and Cheating
Caught your seven-year-old telling a whopper of a tale lately? And, does the kid seem determined to stick to his story no matter how many holes you can poke in it? Notice that the more he’s backed into a corner the greater he professes that he’s telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Or, how about your ten-year-old daughter’s sticky-fingers incident that took place at the neighbor’s house?  She came home with a new music CD, swearing that her friend “had two of them and gave her the extra.”  Was this an incidence of stealing, borrowing or bartering?

And then there’s the eleven-year-old boy in the sixth grade math class that you teach at the local middle school. This kid insists that he wasn’t cheating when he and his buddy each did half of the work sheet and gave the other the answers to the rest of the items. Sure sounds like cheating to you or at the least — devious behavior. But the kid and his folks saw nothing unethical about it when you brought it to their attention at the parent-teacher conference.

Are these behaviors deceitful or normal?  Well …yes to both. Lying, stealing and cheating are dishonest, inappropriate and deceitful, but they are also normal, at least in a statistical sense. At some time during the growing years many kids will tell stories that range from fudging to outright fibs, borrow or actually steal others’ possessions or look at a classmate’s test for an answer or copy homework. In fact, a study of 8,600 school students found that 71% admitted to cheating on at least one test in the previous year and 92% had lied to their parents within that same time frame.

And, these behaviors begin in early childhood. Children as young as three-years of age will take shortcuts to task completion or engage in a lie or two. Let’s take a look at these not-so-charming behaviors in an effort to understand why grade school children can engage in deceitful conduct.

Cheating
The urge to bend the rules is seen in children both at play as well as at school. Most of us like to win and kids enjoy being seen as achievers, meriting others’ approval. Children will cheat at games, often denying that a rule was broken, or if it was then they may claim innocence since they didn’t really understand the rules to begin with.

Although they may indeed win the game or receive an “A” grade on a test, children don’t seem to understand that they are really cheating themselves, not just their classmates or competitors. Kids who cheat academically tend to not understand the material, and fall behind their classmates in terms of grasping the concepts.

What to do
Clarify exactly what cheating is. Many kids would agree that copying others’ answers during a test is dishonest, but may not consider bringing in a “cheat sheet” to class or writing an acronym on their hand as a memory aid to be deceitful. Some children even consider these as “victimless crimes” — they are not taking anyone else’s answers so who’s hurt by it? Another area of cheating that is often seen as acceptable by children is to skim a book, or to not even read it, and to pass off a quick review as a book report. Let your child know that not completing the work, taking short cuts or passing off someone else’s product as their own is indeed cheating, and therefore is not acceptable in your household.

Also, focus on process or effort praise rather than product praise. Show admiration for a tenacious attempt, not just for success.  When kids feel that they are under too much pressure to succeed, cheating often occurs — not only to win the game or to receive a good grade, but to also “please” parents or teachers.  Let your children know that you’re not just looking at the grade or the batting average, but more so at their persistence or sportsmanship.  Children can’t always control the outcome of their efforts, but they can determine the amount of effort exerted, and that’s what really counts.

You can also lessen the impulse to cheat by teaching your children that there are consequences (both behavioral as well as social) for this type of inappropriate action.  Teachers may look askance at an excellent paper if plagiarizing has been an issue in the past, and others won’t want to play games with your child if they can’t trust the integrity of the play. You can encourage honest play behavior by commenting upon cheating if it occurs during a game of checkers or chess, and ending the game immediately, noting that “It’s not fun playing a game when the rules are not followed.  We’ll try again tomorrow.”

Finally, if you don’t want your child to cheat, don’t do it yourself. Those “rolling stops” at the traffic sign suggest to your kids that it’s okay to cut corners, especially if no one is looking. If a cashier forgets to charge you for an item and haphazardly places it in your bag make a point of bringing this to the cashier’s attention and paying for it. Your child will soon get the message that you respect laws, rules and regulations and you expect the same from your children.

Lying
Children develop through progressive stages of moral development. Children three years and older can understand the concept of truth versus falsehood. They may not like to own up to it, but grade schoolers certainly know right from wrong and definitely don’t like to be lied to.  However, many don’t seem to mind stretching the truth at times, especially if it gains them attention or a coveted treat, privilege or reward.

What to do
If you catch your child in a whopper, try not to over react and to give unwarranted attention to the misdeed. Understand the child’s motivations and reasons for the lie — was it to get out of doing a chore, to avoid punishment for breaking an object, or a call for extra attention?  Let him know that you care about his behavior as well as his needs and that not only do you want to understand them but that you want him to understand his behavior as well.  The goal is to help your child to develop a sense of conscience — so that he can be his own guide in the future when you are not always present to supervise his actions.

Also, recognize that not only are your children watching you when you are altruistic, honest and caring, but they have very annoying radar when it comes to noticing your indiscretions. They are watching your behavior and how honest you are.  So, the next time that you consider trying to talk your way out of receiving a traffic ticket, telling a telephone solicitor that you’re just the baby-sitter and the occupant of the house is not at home or lying about your kid’s age to get the reduced rate ticket at Disney World—reconsider!  It’s confusing for kids to see their folks fudging, fibbing and telling “white lies.”  It’s hypocritical at best and can be downright harmful.  The lesson of “do what I say but not what I do” just doesn’t cut it when trying to teach kids honesty and truthfulness.  You must live it in order to get the message across clearly to your children.

Stealing
Try this one on for size — your five-year-old is getting the reputation at school of not just “borrowing” classroom materials, but of pilfering toys, materials and supplies and stuffing them in her lunchbox to sneak home at the end of the day. You wonder if your kid is a budding kleptomaniac and what in the world you could have done to promote such behavior. Well, probably nothing, as being a bit sticky-fingered is not unusual for young children.

For many grade-schoolers the operating rule seems to be “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine also.” Although your six-year-old can give a short lecture on knowing what’s right and what’s wrong, the true internalization of ethical behavior is still somewhat shaky at this age. These kids are still in the process of developing a true conscience.  Combine that with kid impulsivity and it can be difficult for some children to leave the school toys in the classroom, to not take a friend’s action figure when visiting nor refrain from stuffing that enticing pack of gum in his pocket as you check out at the grocery store.

Another motivation for stealing, especially for older children, is to keep up with the Jones’ kid.  It’s tough believing that you’re the only child in the universe who doesn’t have the latest Play Station 2 game and many children will steal to fit in with their peers and their possessions. Stealing may seem to be the only way to keep up with them, especially when the next birthday seems so far away. Also, many preteens will begin shoplifting to not only secure items for themselves, but to give them to buddies in an effort to buy friendships.

What to do
View your child’s stealing as a teachable moment — an opportunity to instruct right from wrong.  Of course, have the child return the taken object and offer an apology.  In addition use this incident to confirm your family’s code of ethics.  Say, “In our family we do not steal from others.  It does not matter whether the coveted object is expensive or cheap, or whether you are taking it from a store or an individual.  We are proud of our honesty, we wouldn’t want anyone to steal from us, and we expect you to behave in the same way.”

Recognize your child’s impulsive tendencies and need to fit in with the crowd—but offer reasonable, effective alternatives to stealing.  Consider starting an allowance system or chore chart so that he can earn money to buy what he wants. Help him to learn how to save so that he can purchase what’s really important by budgeting his money, as well as learning to delay gratification.

And, as always, watch your own behavior. If you are undercharged for an item at a store, not only bring it to the cashier’s attention, but also make your child aware of the situation. If you find a wallet or a purse, return it and let your child be a part of the process.  Let her see how good it feels to do the right thing, even if it was tempting to keep the money for yourself. This is a great teachable moment — when your child sees that you chose to be honest and remind the cashier of the error when you could have paid less for an item goes a long way toward instilling your family’s code of ethics in a solid manner.

Morality is often a work in progress — especially for children. Many adults have not themselves accepted the concept that honesty is the best policy. So, try not to overreact when your child does slip up and behave in a less-than-honest manner. Try to understand the behavior, offer a consequence or a way of fixing the problem, keep your lecture to twenty-five words or less, and most of all — use the moment to teach your child where you and your family stand in terms of honesty and trustworthiness.

Some of the material for this article came from the book, Laying Down the Law (Rodale, 2002) by Dr. Ruth Peters. Dr. Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to “Today.” She is also the consultant psychologist for the Family Program at the Pritikin Longevity Center, a nutrition and exercise facility in Aventura, Florida. For more information you can visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com. Copyright ©2004 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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