Kiss the cook, and
turn up the music

Americans love to grill. And I think it’s safe to say that Labor Day is the Super Bowl of grilling.

Oh, sure, there are other occasions where grillmeisters get to don their “Kiss the Cook” aprons and their chef’s hats, break out their centuries-old recipes and impress friends and family with their patio culinary expertise. Memorial Day weekend is a big one. The Fourth of July certainly produces some staggeringly delicious platters of food.

But Labor Day comes at the beginning of September, which means grillers have had all summer to practice for this one monumental event, when expectations are at their highest. This is not the time to overcook fish, or to burn the T-bones, or to leave a raw and pink area in the middle of the boneless chicken breasts. This isn’t the time for amateurs. If you’re not up to the challenge, buddy, there’s the phone. Order some takeout and tell everybody you’re either out of propane or you have a mysterious airborne virus.

Real men grill on Labor Day. Real women, too.

And music is almost as indispensable at a Labor Day barbecue as a long-handled spatula. You have to have some tasty tunes to grill by, in order to take the edge off. Otherwise, you’ll concentrate too hard on getting things just right, and instead you’ll wind up handing a plate of pitch-black food to guests and hearing them reply, “What’s this?”

Here are some songs selected specifically for this climactic summer occasion. They’re either directly or indirectly related to barbecuing, but no matter. Just listen and make sure you don’t burn my burger.

Oh, by the way, each song is followed by a suggested dish, for those grillers too nervous to make those decisions by themselves:

“Fire,” Ohio Players
You squirt the coals. You light a match. Nothing. You repeat the process. You call a couple of people over to confer. Finally, somebody douses the coals with enough fluid to burn an acre of marijuana. You light a match. The flames shoot up suddenly, catching the hair of your annoying little cousin, who runs around the yard crying until somebody puts him out. But the important thing is, you got the barbecue going. In 1974, the Ohio Players sang about a different kind of fire: “When you shake what you got, and girl you got a lot.” But you just know that whenever they got together around the barbecue, they sang this with a smile and a chuckle.

(Recommended dish: There’s always one partygoer who likes their burgers charred. So while the flames are high, use him as a guinea pig. Mix up a patty using ground beef, Worcheshire sauce, minced onions and garlic powder. The flavor will help to negate the burned parts.)

“Hot Fun in the Summertime,” Sly & the Family Stone
This 1969 hit is just one long reminiscence of summer days gone by. It’s a reminder that the fall is fast approaching, kids are going back to school, vacation time is all used up, and we’d all better enjoy ourselves while we can. “First of the fall and then she goes back, bye, bye, bye, bye there, them summer days, those summer days.” Nobody really wants summer to end. That’s why Labor Day barbecues are so important. It’s a last chance for family to mingle before everybody goes back to communicating only through the occasional e-mail. And Sly Stone is the perfect maestro for this task, because he started the band in 1967 with brother Freddie on guitar and sister Rose on piano.

(Recommended dish: Get some whopping catfish filets, rub them down with garlic powder, cayenne pepper, Cajun spices, salt and pepper, and grill for about four minutes on each side, depending on thickness. Serve with dirty rice and a microbrew.)

“Chili Sauce,” Louis Prima
Usually, a Labor Day barbecue is hot. Hot, hot, hot. And there’s always at least one maniac who will swallow anything just to prove he can handle hot: a whole jalapeno pepper, a spoonful of horseradish, a wasabi sandwich. To accommodate the incendiary palates of such daredevils, play Prima’s two-minute 1951 classic, which was used in an adidas commercial leading up to the 2000 Olympics in Sydney. It appeared on the album “Breaking It Up” with Keely Smith. If somebody’s mouth is on fire after devouring something unexpectedly spicy, play this song and form a conga line behind him through the backyard.

(Recommended dish: Grill some boneless chicken breasts, chop into one-inch-long strips, and make soft tacos with lettuce, tomato, green onions, grated cheddar and jack cheeses — and top it off with chili sauce.)

“Cheeseburger in Paradise,” Jimmy Buffett
This song deals with one of man’s greatest dilemmas: the battle between what tastes good and what’s good for you. Buffett tried to mend his ways and follow a healthier lifestyle that included “carrot juice” and “bulghar wheat,” but it didn’t take. He couldn’t help but succumb to the lure of the carnivore. “I like mine with lettuce and tomato, Heinz 57 and French fried potatoes, big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer.” I think we can all relate. A Labor Day barbecue is not the time nor the place for dietary concerns. It’s one of the few times of the year when gluttony is not only accepted, but encouraged.

(Recommended dish: Pre-formed hamburger patties are for wimps. Take a half-pound of ground sirloin, mix with a ¼ teaspoon of dried mustard, ¼ teaspoon of brown sugar, a pinch of minced garlic, a dash of lemon juice, form into a giant patty and grill that puppy until she screams your name. Top with a slab of Tillamook cheddar and serve on an onion roll.)

“Hot Dog,” Led Zeppelin
There is nothing more American than the wiener. It comes in many sizes, some flavored, some Kosher, some low fat. But the hot dog has been an indispensable part of backyard barbecues since Christopher Columbus first set foot on the continent and was introduced to Farmer John. This song from the 1979 album, “In Through the Out Door” really has nothing to do with the good old tube steak. It’s just a rockabilly tale of lost love: “Well I just got into town today, to find my girl who’s gone away, she took the Greyhound at the general store.” But Robert Plant does a good Elvis Presley imitation in it, and as we all know, Elvis loved to eat.

(Recommended dish: Since this was Zeppelin’s tribute to the Texas lifestyle, how about an old-fashioned, five-alarm chili dog? Grill a foot-long, place in a toasted bun, lavish with deli mustard and chopped onions, then top with chili with beans. Wash it down with a longnecked Lone Star.)

“Everytime I Eat Vegetables It Makes Me Think of You,” the Ramones
No matter how much we love our meat, it’s important also to consider the needs of our vegetarian and vegan friends. This 1983 release from the “Subterranean Jungle” album does not address the virtues of green salads and steamed broccoli. Rather, like most Ramones songs, its lyrics cruise along the periphery of the topic: “She had a very bad affair, with some cat from Hiroshima, she turned into a head of lettuce, she eats Thorazine in her farina.” But I think you’ll agree that the importance of eating vegetables is there in spirit. At most family affairs, there are people who eat vegetables, and at least one or two who might qualify as one.

(Recommended dish: Vegetables. What did you think it was going to be, pork chops? Thinly slice some eggplant, zucchini, mushrooms, tomatoes, red onion and bell peppers, and cut some corn-on-the-cobs in half. Create an Italian marinade using balsamic vinegar and olive oil, minced garlic, lemon juice, salt and pepper. Dip the pieces into the marinade and grill for about a minute or two on each side.)

“Dixie Chicken,” by Little Feat
Again, not every song should be taken literally. This is not about Southern fried chicken, as much as you might want it to be. Little Feat, led by the incomparable Lowell George, recorded this in 1973, and it’s a rollicking party song with male and female background vocals (including Bonnie Bramlett) and some Grade A lyrics: “If you’ll be my Dixie Chicken, I’ll be your Tennessee lamb, and we can walk together down in Dixieland.” So it isn’t about chicken, per se. It’s also about lamb. Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones were said to be big fans of Little Feat, which reminds me that I have a friend who once heard “I wanna be your Beast of Burden” and thought it was “I wanna be your Pizza Burger.” A little food humor there.

(Recommended dish: Chicken shish kebobs. Cut raw chicken into cubes of about 1 ½ inches. Stick on skewer between pieces of bell pepper, onion, tomato and mushroom. Mix up a marinate using Dijon mustard, honey, olive oil, lemon juice, garlic, salt and pepper. Marinate skewers for at least a couple hours, then grill, making sure to cook thoroughly, about 10 minutes on each side.)

“Struttin' With Some Barbeque,” Louis Armstrong
Usually if a barbecue starts at, say, 3 p.m., then about 5:15 p.m. or so, you will inevitably see one uncle or co-worker stagger across the yard with a plate of food in his hand, plagued by a mixture of cold beer and hot sun. And I’m not talking about one chicken leg on a paper plate. He usually has a sampling of every dish available, plus some that he borrowed from the neighbors and a few items he found in the pantry, with a beer tucked under his arm. For this occasion, “Struttin’ With Some Barbeque” is the perfect theme music to play while watching to see if this stumblebum can make it back to the picnic table in one piece. It’s a frenetic, upbeat, joyous celebration of the trumpet in particular and New Orleans-style jazz in general.  It would probably help to check on the amount of liability coverage you have on your homeowner’s insurance.

(Recommended dish: Baby-back ribs. Get a few racks and, for best results, cook the day before first, then grill later. Cut the racks into pieces of four each. Then wrap in thick foil and bake in the oven for about an hour and a half. After that, take out the ribs, coat them in your favorite barbecue sauce and marinate overnight. Then the next day, grill the ribs for 30 minutes or so, basting with more barbecue sauce.)

“Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers,” ZZ Top
As the evening wears on, you’ll notice that no matter how much liquor you thought was going to be enough, it wasn’t. Not only is all the beer gone, but you’ve already made a couple of runs to the store to replenish. There’s plenty of margarita mix and salt, just no more tequila. And the four boxes of wine are bone dry. At this point in time, the guests usually get a little unruly. They start whooping and hollering, throwing stuff in the neighbor’s pool, relieving themselves in the street. Not pretty. If you play this ZZ Top number from the 1973 album “Tres Hombres,” you’ll at least have a chance to keep them dancing, which could make the difference between a smooth finish to your soiree, or jail time.

(Recommended dish: Beef tri-tip in Asian marinade, which you can either buy or whip up yourself using soy sauce, garlic, sesame seeds, sesame oil, chopped ginger, green onions and sugar. Marinate in a sealed plastic bag for up to eight hours. Grill for 25 to 30 minutes, depending on thickness. Don’t overcook. Slice cross-wise, and serve.)

“Watermelon Weather,” Perry Como and Eddie Fisher
I can only assume that by this time your party got out of hand and the police did indeed arrive. The crabby old lady across the street probably called them, but you can deal with her later. Right now, it’s important to make the law think that everything is cool. The first step is to put on this rather mild, innocent, light-hearted 1952 ode to the pleasures of summer: “This is the time to sing, this purdy little ditty, a walkin’ along an’ singin’ a song, and clingin’ to someone purdy.” The cops will be so convinced that your party is squaresville that they won’t even notice the naked drunk draped over the tree limb above them.

(Recommended dish: Grilled swordfish with mango salsa. Marinate fish in a mixture of Old Bay seasoning, olive oil, lemon juice, tequila and cilantro. Prepare salsa by dicing two mangos, then mix with chopped orange, orange zest, scallions, cilantro and ginger. Grill fish, but don’t overcook, then serve by topping with salsa.)

Michael Ventre is a Los Angeles-based writer and a regular contributor to MSNBC.com.

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