What to expect
on returning shows

Every fall, the new shows get all the attention. They get handicapped in their time slots, scrutinized over which stars of yesteryear are using them to mount their comebacks, and compared to the other shows whose premises they’re blatantly ripping off. But where’s the love for the returning shows – the workhorses that keep entertaining us (or…at least, hanging on) season after season? The love’s right here, baby:

"7^th Heaven"
The producers have cleared out non-Camdens Jeremy London, Rachel Blanchard, and Ashlee Simpson and brought back original Camdens Matt (Barry Watson) and Simon (David Gallagher). Simon becomes the first Camden to engage in premarital sex; the titles of the season’s first two episodes — “Dropping Trou” and “The Best Laid Plans” — offer a hint as to the sell-by date on his virginity.

Newly married Lucy (Beverley Mitchell) gets pregnant (wags predict a Valentine’s Day baby), and husband Kevin (George Stults) fears she may be in denial about her pregnancy when she refuses to shop for maternity clothes; Ruthie gets a new love interest, to be played by Aaron Carter; and the series once again tries to get political in its fifth episode, “Vote,” which involves Ruthie discussing the war in Iraq with her classmates. What better inducement is there to get viewers out to the polls than the annoyingly uninformed screeching of a bunch of sheltered ninth-graders?
Premieres Sept. 16; airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on The WB

"The Apprentice"
The second-season premiere of “The Apprentice” will be 90 minutes long, and will feature two teams of nine contestants. (The season finale may be three hours long.) Little is known about the contestants except that one is named Ivana (hee), and another, lawyer Jennifer Massey, hails from the firm of Brobeck, Phleger & Harrison — which also brought us first-season “Survivor” contestant Stacey Stillman.

First-season winner Bill Rancic may show up periodically as a Trump advisor in place of George Ross. I guess that high-rise will just build itself.

Weekly tasks revolve around such consumer goods as Yu-Gi-Oh cards (eh?) and Crest Whitestrips. One observer witnessed the Apprentices spending $20 to hire a 51-year-old woman to haul boxes of the Whitestrips — in the midday sun — back and forth to a marketing site, and says she then ended up in severe medical distress, lolling about on the ground gasping, “Crest! Crest!” Then she threw up and asked for her money. Apparently the whole mess was caught on film. Crest must be thrilled.

First-season winner Bill Rancic may show up periodically as a Trump advisor in place of George Ross. I guess that high-rise will just build itself.
Premieres Sept. 9; airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. ET on NBC

"The Bachelor"
The producers reportedly mulled several options when casting the next Bachelor, including a plastic surgeon, a furniture designer — even a person of color (for once). Turns out they’ve settled on a crazy scheme involving two Bachelors. The premiere episode will kick off with 25 bachelorettes — ranging in age from 26 to 39 (somewhat older than the norm, so there won’t be any 19-year-olds in the mix who have to decide whether to get engaged or finish junior college first) — who will be presented with the two Bachelors.

The dudes in question are Byron Velvick and Jay Overbye, both 40 — older than any past Bachelor. Velvick is a divorced, childless bass fisherman, while Overbye is a former model turned real-estate agent. After spending the usual several minutes with their potential mates, the women will each get to present a rose to the gentleman they like better. The winning Bachelor then gets to eliminate 10 women (presumably among those who didn’t rose him). Another first this season is that the Bachelor will live in the Ladies’ Villa, instead of his own pad across town. Will there be any late-night assignations? Probably not, since that might be interesting.

Once Byron or Jay is happily coupled with his one true love, it’s Jen Schefft’s turn. Schefft — who “won” the hand of wine/tire heir Andrew Firestone in the third season of “The Bachelor,” only to break up with him because breaking up is what Bachelors do — will enjoy a season as "The Bachelorette," and is reportedly already involved in casting the swains vying for her hand. 
Premieres Sept. 22; airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. ET on ABC

"ER"

NBC Noah Wyle's Dr. Carter has grown up on "ER."

Of the 40 or so cliffhangers in the season finale, pretty much none has led to any permanent changes as the next season begins. Sam (Linda Cardellini) and her creepy kid left Chicago … but Luka (Goran Visnjic) brings them back. Weaver’s still in court. Pratt (Mekhi Phifer) and Chen (Ming-Na) end up in surgery after their car accident, but are back at work shortly thereafter. At least Neela has stuck with her decision not to become a doctor; she’s interviewing for jobs at Starbucks and the Gap, and — having lost her apartment — sleeping in the lounge at County.

Alex Kingston, who plays Corday, is leaving the series partway through the season, and Morgenstern (recurring guest star William H. Macy) is dying (of boredom?). Macy’s and Kingston’s imminent departures make room for Shane West to join the cast as Dr. Ray Barnett. As for the future of Carter (Noah Wyle) and Kem (Thandie Newton) — well, it seems that she’s MIA from the show after the premiere. Note to the producers: this doesn’t mean you’re clear to hook him back up with Abby.
Premieres Sept. 23; airs Thursdays at 10 p.m. ET on NBC

"Gilmore Girls"
The premiere picks up where the finale left off: Emily (Kelly Bishop) finally admits that she and Richard (Edward Herrmann) have separated. Rory (Alexis Bledel), probably thinking that spending the next few months in Stars Hollow as a known adulteress would be pretty awkward, agrees to go to Europe for the summer with her grandmother.

WB The "Gilmore Girls" pick up where their season finale left off.

Yay, that means Lorelai (Lauren Graham) has the house to herself, in which to pursue her budding relationship with Luke (Scott Patterson)! But, oh no — now that “I’m With Her” has been cancelled, Christopher (David Sutcliffe) can return for a reported seven episodes this season, throwing a potential monkey wrench into the works of Lorelai’s love life!

In other love news, Matt Czuchry — who played Naked Guy last season — will be back, this time as a love interest for Rory. And Asher (Michael York) — last seen failing to break up with his much younger secret girlfriend Paris (Liza Weil) — may extricate himself from their affair by dying. Hey, it was a blessing in disguise when it happened to George Costanza.
Premieres Sept. 21; airs Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET on The WB

"Joan of Arcadia"

Joan variously works in a community garden, adopts a feral cat, and is bedeviled over several episodes by Judith, a wild child Joan met in therapy.

Following the revelation of her Lyme disease-related hallucinations, Joan has had some therapy (and still has contact with her counselor, a Dr. Dan), and initially refuses to engage even with the God incarnations she’s seen before. She and Adam (Christopher Marquette) are still together, but things are tense. Also still together? Luke (Michael Welch) and Grace (Becky Wahlstrom), although Grace is adamantly opposed to making their relationship public, to the point of drawing up a strict confidentiality agreement. (It’s a big season for Grace: we’ll see her bat mitzvah, and learn that her mother is an alcoholic.)

Kevin is reunited with two people from his past — ex-girlfriend Beth (Kimberly McCullough, who has appeared in one episode of the show in its first season) and Andy, the kid who was driving in the accident that caused Kevin’s paralysis. Joan variously works in a community garden, adopts a feral cat, and is bedeviled over several episodes by Judith, a wild child Joan met in therapy. And Helen’s Aunt Olive comes to visit, during which time she suffers a health crisis. I’m sure it’ll bear no resemblance whatever to “The Nana” episode of “The O.C.”
Premieres Sept. 24; airs Fridays at 8 p.m. ET on CBS

"The O.C."
The good news for Ryan (Benjamin McKenzie) fans is that his sojourn in Chino won’t last long; by episode 2, he’s back at the Harbor School, presumably avoiding Marissa (Mischa Barton), who is slated to have some very dark material to work with. Even darker than having to move into a gigantically ostentatious McMansion?

FOX Never fear, Ryan will soon be back to "The O.C.," with Marissa, Sandy and the rest.

There’s trouble at the Cohen house; construction is underway, Sandy (Peter Gallagher) and Kirsten (Kelly Rowan) may be in the midst of marital difficulties (the appearance of a new pool boy named Diego, played by Nicholas Gonzalez, can’t bode well), and Seth (Adam Brody) and Summer (Rachel Bilson) have apparently parted; by the third episode, she’ll have a new “friend,” Zach (Michael Cassidy), who gets along better with her dad than Seth did.

Alan Dale, who plays Caleb , gets promoted to full cast member status, just in time for Caleb to get arrested for financial wrongdoing; his departure clears the way for Julie (Melinda Clarke) to declare herself CEO of the Newport Group. Theresa (Navi Rawat), Ryan’s alleged baby mama, will be back … but what of the Theresa/Ryan spawn? (If it even exists.) Maybe they’ll be the focus of the “O.C.” spin-off coming in 2005.
Premieres Nov. 4; airs Thursdays at 8 p.m. ET on FOX

"Scrubs"
The show’s producers have cast Heather Graham as Molly, a psychiatrist in an eight-episode arc. I’m not totally prepared to believe her as a smart person, but I’m willing to be convinced. Molly is meant to spar with Dr. Cox (John C. McGinley) — about whose personality quirks she writes a research paper early in the season — and act as a mentor to Elliot (Sarah Chalke). J.D. (Zach Braff) loses out on the chief resident position. Turk (Donald Faison) and Dr. Cox collaborate to remove a light bulb from a patient (and it sure took them long enough to bust out that story premise).

The brilliant, sparkling, inventive sitcom (biased? Me?) returns for its fourth season with a new lead-in: “Father of the Pride,” the CG-animated sitcom about Siegfried and Roy’s show animals (… seriously). What better way to treat NBC’s smartest sitcom than to sandwich it between 2004’s answer to “Dinosaurs” and "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit," a cop show about depraved perverts?
Premieres Aug. 31; airs Tuesdays at 9:30 p.m. ET on NBC

"The Simpsons"

At least one thing will be new: a character comes out of the closet. Rumor has it that it’s Patty, but I’m rooting for Lenny and Carl to declare their love.

The traditional Halloween episode (airing Nov. 7^th — thanks, baseball!) will feature a parody of “Fantastic Voyage” and a mystery in the style of Sherlock Holmes. Other episodes are retreads of storylines we’ve seen before: in the episode to air following the Super Bowl, Homer becomes a “victory dance choreographer” (remember “Dancin’ Homer”?); Marge takes Nelson Muntz into the Simpson home (remember the Simpsons’ boarder Roy in the Poochie episode?); Marge horns in on Homer’s action when she gets a job at Moe’s (remember when she horned in on his action by getting a job at the nuclear plant?); and an episode set in the future shows us Bart and Lisa graduating from high school (remember … the other two flash-forward episodes?).

There’s also the usual passel of celebrities guest-voicing themselves: Michelle Kwan, 50 Cent, LeBron James, Yao Ming, and Warren Sapp are but a few. At least one thing will be new: a character comes out of the closet. Because one episode involves Patty falling in love with a female golfer and the city legalizing gay marriage, rumor has it that it’s Patty, but don’t rule out a twist ending; I’m rooting for Lenny and Carl to declare their love.
Premieres Nov. 7; airs Sundays at 8 p.m. ET on FOX

"Smallville"

Despite the producers’ promise that ‘Smallville’s’ motto was ‘no tights, no flights,’ word is that Clark will actually fly in the season premiere.

With the “Superman” franchise set to hit the big screens again, “Smallville” may see a new surge of interest in the story of Clark Kent as a somewhat wussy little boy from Kansas. If this is what the producers have in mind, it makes sense that they’d bring in characters we can actually remember from the last round of “Superman” movies — like Lois Lane! Sure enough, the Metropolis reporter will show up, played by Erica Durance, to investigate the apparent death of her cousin Chloe (Allison Mack); in fact, she and Clark (Tom Welling) will meet at Chloe’s grave. Boy, if Clark’s not overlooking Chloe as a potential girlfriend because he’s more interested in the perpetually imperilled Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk), it’s because Chloe’s dead.

Lana gets a new love interest, Jason Teague, to be played by “Dawson’s Creek” refugee Jensen Ackles. Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) starts the season in Egypt, tracking down Krypton-related artifacts, no doubt. And, despite the producers’ promise that the show’s motto was “no tights, no flights,” word is that Clark will actually fly in the season premiere.
Premieres Sept.22; airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. ET on The WB

"The West Wing"
President Jed Bartlet (Martin Sheen) refuses to retaliate militarily for the bomb that, last season, killed General Fitzwallace (John Amos) and landed Donna (Janel Moloney) in the hospital. As the season starts, she’s still recuperating, while Bartlet hosts Israeli/Palestinian peace talks at Camp David.

Bartlet’s second administration will end in 2006, so the show needs to put someone in play now to replace Martin Sheen.

A new young, female press liaison joins the staff — as a love interest for Josh (Bradley Whitford), perhaps? She’s in her mid-twenties, so it shouldn’t be for Toby (Richard Schiff, last season with the actual Democrats at the party’s convention in Boston).

Sam Robards will return for several episodes as reporter Greg Brock. Producer John Wells and NBC are in talks with Jimmy Smits to appear on the series as a Texas Congressman with his eye on the White House. And in a much-trumpeted addition, Alan Alda will guest-star on 10 episodes as a Republican senator with presidential aspirations.

Bartlet’s second administration will end in 2006, so the show needs to put someone in play now to replace Martin Sheen, even if the show would be a million times better if it starred Gary Cole (who currently plays Bartlet’s Vice-President), and we all know it. Premieres Oct. 20; airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. ET on NBC

"Will & Grace"
The show’s producers have promised not to cram in so much stuntcasting, although Janet Jackson will appear in the season’s second episode, and Jennifer Lopez — who guested in the last season finale — will appear in the season premiere. Bobby Cannavale will be back as Will’s (Eric McCormack) first long-term boyfriend (FINALLY). Dave Foley, who appeared in several episodes last season as Stuart, Jack’s (Sean Hayes) boyfriend, but word is that, although he is keen to return, he doesn’t know if he will.

Harry Connick Jr. comes back just long enough for his Leo to divorce Grace (Debra Messing), who is in the unusual situation this season of being single both while Will is coupled, and while Karen (Megan Mullally) is single. Think of all the stunt-cast male guest stars they could fight over! And finally, Jack is no longer a nurse or an actor, but rather works as a television executive for a cable network for gay viewers. Jack is flighty, irresponsible, and has the attention span of a tsetse fly. He was born to be a network executive.
Premieres Sept. 16; airs Thursdays at 8:30 p.m. ET on NBC

Tara Ariano co-created and co-edits Fametracker.com and TelevisionWithoutPity.com

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