It’s time to embrace discipline — and use it!

Today in "Parenting Weekends" we continue a series of excerpts from “Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” the most recent book by “Today” show contributor Dr. Ruth Peters.

Law #2:
Embrace Discipline — And Use It!
Discipline is not abuse; it may not even involve punishment. If this word scares you, then you don’t really understand what discipline is all about. But you better catch on quickly, since kids who are raised without it are often truly punished by society for years to come. Done well, your child will grow to be a self-confident, successful person. Done poorly, or not at all . . . well, I don’t even want to go there!

***

Let me tell you about Natalie and Randy — these folks were a real trip! Married 13 years before the birth of their daughter Casey, they were upper middle class, highly educated and both working in the medical profession. You’d think that these people would have a clue about child rearing, but within a few minutes after meeting them I could see that it was going to be a very long therapy hour.

The way that they went on about Casey was trying my patience — it was as if the sun, moon, and stars revolved around the kid. And they expected everyone else (teachers, neighbors, friends) to view their 6-year-old with equal awe. To top that, these well-meaning parents were neurotically nervous about everything. They worried that Casey might not be able to go to a top college if her grades weren’t perfect (the kid was in kindergarten at the time), fretted over whether they should have a second child so that she wouldn’t feel different from her friends with siblings (I told them to get a puppy unless they wanted a second kid), and agonized about the potential emotional effect of even the most minute action upon their daughter’s delicate psyche.

Sure, it’s great when Mom and Dad love their child unconditionally, but Natalie and Randy were taking it to an extreme. They had wanted this kid for so long, suffering through three miscarriages before her birth, that they treated her as if she were some sort of miracle. Now, don’t get me wrong, I marvel at how neat babies and kids can be and I also understand the agony of not being able to have a kid or two when everyone else seems to have extras. But placing a child on such a high pedestal is a recipe for disaster — not only for the kid but for the parents as well.

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In Casey’s situation the tragedy came in the form of not being disciplined at home. Although she turned out to be a cute, verbal young lady when I met her at our second session, Casey was somewhat of a wild child. She didn’t mean to be naughty, but she seemed to have little self-control. Instead of sitting with her folks on the couch, Casey wandered the room, touching my stuff on the bookshelves and tables. I let her know that my things were off limits to her, and she’d remove her hand, only to slither back a few minutes later. Apparently no did not mean no to Casey. It meant something like “maybe,” or “I’d rather you didn’t,” or “whatever.” That’s because her folks never worked on the “Do what I say when I say it” part of parenting that can be so distasteful to those who are in awe of the little miracle living under their roof. Maybe she was a miracle, but let’s put it this way: The kid would have still been a miracle if given some discipline. She just would have been a more respectful, self-disciplined miracle.

Discipline Is Not Punishment
Natalie and Randy’s mistake was thinking that discipline equals punishment. That’s a common parental misconception, caused somewhat by the idiosyncrasies of the English language. Humor me and grab your dictionary. Look up the word discipline and you’ll probably find the following descriptors among others: control, obedience, punishment, and regulation. Sound a bit scary, heavy-handed, or just flat out uncomfortable to you? If so, I know where you’re coming from as I’ve heard parents, other than Natalie and Randy, lament about the need for disciplining their children and their reticence to do so. Some try to view it as analogous to a vaccine — painful to administer but certainly worth it if serious long-term problems are prevented.

Well, we’re not talking about physical issues here, but mental and emotional ones. Kids need discipline — simply put — and their parents are the only ones who can teach it. Folks, you just can’t pass the buck on this one, leaving it to Grandma or Grandpa, teachers, preachers, or the family down the street.

Discipline is a necessary, and possibly the most important, parental behavior that you can expose your child to. Of course, it takes self-discipline on your part to provide, and this may not be your strong suit. Don’t worry — if you’re willing to make it through these 25 Laws of Parenting, I can teach it to you. You may feel a bit uncomfortable in the process, but hey, if Casey’s folks could get it (and they did, eventually), anyone can! To get your attention, as well as your cooperation, let me send you on a guilt trip to scare you into tackling the challenge of becoming an effective disciplinarian with your kids.

Here goes. What happens if you do not raise your child with appropriate disciplinary tactics in your home? Well,

• The kid will probably grow up to be a brat.

• You’ll be miserable living with a self-absorbed, difficult child.

• Your kid will never quite get the concept that the world doesn’t revolve around him. The egocentricity will eventually turn off friends, dates, future spouses, and employers.

• Either your world will have to center around your child, leaving you little life of your own, or you’ll get fed up and resentful about the parent/child relationship.

• As an adult, your child will not have learned to act appropriately and to accept consequences for his actions, and he’ll be miserable.

• Here’s the kicker: Most likely he’ll blame you for his failures and misery.

• You’ll be just as miserable as he is.

Discipline Is Teaching
Want to avoid this scenario? Then learn to consider discipline as a teaching process. You’re the professor and your child is the student — perhaps recalcitrant but hopefully willing. And their instant buy-in isn’t necessary. The laws provided in this book do not mandate your child’s willing approval. Once you’ve begun to enforce them, you’ll see how necessary and effective these simple disciplinary tactics really are.

Discipline is the structuring of expectations, the setting of limits and boundaries, and the consequences (both positive and negative) applied by parents in order to establish good frustration tolerance, perseverance, and self-discipline in your child. Learning to take “no” for an answer is a lesson in understanding boundaries. Learning to do chores even though the television is just begging to be watched or completing boring and tedious homework in a timely manner builds self-discipline. Kids who learn and live these attributes in childhood grow to be adults who can accept challenges, deal effectively with adversity, and manage relationships even when the going gets tough. They don’t quit jobs because the work becomes burdensome or leave relationships because of stress and responsibility. Children who are taught discipline are not impulsive and are not quitters — they know how to deal well with, and often rise effectively to, challenges.

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Discipline is a positive and loving parental action. It is the key to a happy, successful, and fulfilled life. But it is not a character trait that is inborn or innate — there are no genetic bases for self-discipline, frustration tolerance, or perseverance. These traits must be taught, and you, the parent, are your kids’ best teacher. Sure, discussions at school will be helpful in molding a disciplined life, as will sermons by religious leaders and lectures by your children’s coaches. But don’t fall into the trap of thinking that someone else will do it all for you. Discipline is your job.

If you’re a single parent, the job is placed squarely upon your shoulders. But this is often the case in two-parent households, too, when one is a bit wimpy and the other parent has to take on the role of being the chief disciplinarian. Not a comfortable position to be in, but if that’s your home situation, either change it (make the other guy take some responsibility for standing up to the kids), or live with it and become the major disciplinarian yourself. Whichever way the chips fall, make sure that your children are raised in a household where discipline is key, clear limits are set, and consequences are consistent and fairly given. Not only will your life be more organized and fulfilled, but your children will grow to be successful, self-confident, and perseverant adults.

Living the Law
Ready to get going on a disciplinary plan? Consider the following:

Make it mandatory. Now that you understand how discipline is a positive term involving the teaching of consequences (both positive and negative) for behaviors and attitudes, you can embrace it as a life value — one that is imperative for your own family’s happiness and success.

Clarify expectations. To ensure that all of the adults involved in the child-rearing process are on the same page of the book, clarify your conceptions of what discipline, limit setting, boundaries, and consequences are. Start with you and your spouse — your child’s primary caretakers and role models. It’s not unusual for parents to disagree on the battles to be picked and the wars to be fought. I’ve met many folks whose concerns focus upon health and hygiene, whereas their spouses’ center of attention is upon grades and academic achievement. Neither is mutually exclusive — both areas have merit and should be considered in the discussion of what is really important in terms of limit-setting and expectations. Remember, though, that one of the most important relationship skills is the ability to “agree to disagree” (or, as it is in my own family — “I’ll let you call the shot on this issue, but I get top billing on the next one that we can’t agree upon”). That’s about as fair and reasonable as you can get when two people disagree about child rearing. Note that the kids are watching how Mom and Dad resolve their differences of opinion — they are observing to see if there is effective conflict resolution going on or whether the discussion dissolves into threatening or bullying. And realize that the tactics used by parents to deal with disagreements are often the very ones that the children will try out with friends and teachers when they face differences of opinion in the future.

Enlarge the circle of influence. Don’t forget to include significant others who deal with the children on a daily or weekly basis. Consider having a family meeting with Grandma, Grandpa, the nanny, and all other caregivers so that you can discuss your conception of and need for discipline in your family. These folks are looked upon by your children as role models, people to be respected and individuals to learn from. The goal of your family meeting is to consider, review, and agree upon appropriate actions to be taken when various child misbehaviors occur.

Be specific. For instance, if you want negative consequences to include timeouts and loss of privileges, then discuss these tactics with the caregivers. Where is timeout to occur? How long should it be? What is the game plan if the child leaves the timeout location early? What privileges can be removed, and are they disposed of or just put on restriction for a set amount of time? Corporal punishment can be even trickier when multiple caregivers are involved who may have disparate views on the subject. If spanking and swatting are not to be allowed, make the call, present it to the caregivers, and stick with it. Remember, your child’s caregivers want to work with you but to do so successfully they need to have an adequate grasp of your disciplinary plan.

Deal effectively with disagreements. If the adults disagree on the disciplinary tactics to be employed, listen to all and discuss each issue and concern fully. You just may learn something from Grandma’s more traditional values or you may end up agreeing to disagree and to do it your way. Regardless, the air will have been cleared, and there will be less chance for resentment, hard feelings, and miscommunications to occur.

Sit down with the kids. After the adults have met (in person, by phone, or even via e-mail), have a family meeting with the kids to discuss why discipline is so important in their lives, what it really means (teaching, not torture), and how it will be organized and dealt with. Listen to their concerns and make changes when appropriate. Expect some grumbling and griping — remember that kid human nature often includes pushing the limits and being a bit ornery!

Lay down the disciplinary law. Even if the kids are less than thrilled with the idea of structure, responsibility, and consequences, stick with your plan and everyone will benefit. It’s not only your right to teach discipline, but it is also your responsibility as a parent.

NEXT WEEK: Don’t be a peace-at-any-price parent

From “Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” by Dr. Ruth Peters. Copyright ©2002 by Dr. Ruth Peters. Excerpted by permission of Rodale. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

Dr. Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to “Today.” She is also the consultant psychologist for the Family Program at the Pritikin Longevity Center, a nutrition and exercise facility in Aventura, Florida. For more information you can visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com. Copyright ©2004 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

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