Playing doctor

SMOKE SIGNALS
Q: I’m trying to get my son, 17, to stop smoking weed. I have grounded him, and have done everything else I can think of, from banning him from certain friends to taking him to counseling. But he once again has been caught. What can I do?

A: Don’t throw up your hands just yet. First, double-check to make sure you’ve really tried everything, says Dr. John R. Knight, an assistant professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School and director of the Center for Adolescent Substance Abuse Research at Children’s Hospital Boston.

“I’m continually surprised at the number of parents who say they’ve tried everything and yet I find out their teen gets an allowance, has a credit card, cell phone, a car, you name it," he says. "When I tell parents they should take these things away, I’ve had many sort of say, 'Can we do that!?'”

Of course you can — and you should. Obviously, without money, communication and transportation, pot will be far more difficult to come by.

But there’s a bigger issue Knight is touching on: an alarming level of parent disempowerment nowadays. Part of the reason, he believes, is that far too many parents have bought into some poisonous myths: that all kids smoke pot and that their teens don’t care what they think.

The truth, says Richard Gallagher, director of the Parenting Institute at the New York University Child Study Center, is that by their senior year only 18 percent of adolescents are regular users of marijuana. And nearly all people care what their parents think of them (even if oftentimes teen bravado hides this fact).

“Parents do make a difference with regard to what their kids are involved in,” says Gallagher.

When children know you care about them and you do your best to listen to them, they want to please you. Although admittedly sometimes they need a little help getting there. In your son’s case, the best strategy to help him is to have close monitoring (again, this means limiting those luxuries that allow for freedom and anonymity) and convey a constant and consistent message: this family tolerates no drug use (remember, too, alcohol is a drug).

Also continue with counseling. But not just for your son. Consider taking part in the counseling or visiting Al-Anon-Alateen, a support group for families of alcoholics and drug abusers. Besides the camaraderie and coping strategies you may pick up, you’re telling your son that you’re not in denial and you’re not going to accept or ignore drug use. Moreover, seeking support and knowledge emphasizes how much you care.

Victoria Clayton is a freelance writer based in California and co-author of the forthcoming book "Fearless Pregnancy," due out in November from Fair Winds Press.

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