Couple squabbles over gifts to grandkids

Q: My husband and I disagree about how to be fair to our grandchildren from previous marriages. I have four grandchildren and he has one. When giving money for gifts, he will give four times the amount to his grandchild. How can we resolve this?

A: You are asking who is right. There is no answer. You feel your way and he feels his way. The most important factor is that no grandchildren feel hurt.

Your way of treating all the grandchildren fairly is to treat them the same. You divide the pie evenly among the kids. If one gets $10, all get $10.

Your husband sees this differently. His way of treating them fairly is to divide the pie into your half (four grandchildren) and his half (one grandchild). So if each of your grandchildren gets $10, his gets $40.

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It sounds as though your husband might suffer from family rivalry issues of his own, and might have felt slighted by his own siblings or parents. Maybe he is putting himself in his grandchild’s shoes, and would feel less loved, or somehow robbed, if he were in the same situation.

If you point this out, it might help him recognize the source of his feelings. But if a family rivalry issue rankles him, it may be difficult for him to see past this.

It’s common for men and women to differ in their views of all kinds of relationships. You can argue forever, but it won’t solve a thing. You will both merely continue to feel misunderstood and frustrated.

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Your best bet is to acknowledge his viewpoint and allow him to do the same, even if you disagree. But tell your husband that he must not be insensitive to any of the children’s feelings, and that he must act kindly and lovingly toward your grandchildren, as you do toward his grandchild.

You should also consider changing the type of present you give. In your case, money is an especially bad gift because it accentuates your differences. You should be finding something that isn’t so easily quantified and compared.

Books, toys and clothing all make thoughtful gifts, and it isn’t obvious that one item is more expensive, even if it is. This also lets you put more thought into the selection. One child might like a simple coin for his coin collection as much as another likes a fancy jacket.

Or instead of giving them gifts, how about something that brings you together? Take a trip to an amusement park, skating rink or ice-cream parlor.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: There is enough love to go around. You can diminish the tension around this issue if you take “love = money” out of the mix.

Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” Her new book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,”  was recently published by Riverhead Books. For more information, you can visit her Web site, www.drgailsaltz.com.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific medical or psychological advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand their lives and health. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist. Copyright ©2004 Dr. Gail Saltz. All rights reserved.

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