Tackling the topic of teen sex

Some other key points for parents:

Read a sex book. Adults don't like to admit they don't know enough about sex, but experts say this is often the case and it impedes their ability to speak about it with their children.

"When you don't know enough about any subject you'll lack the confidence to engage in a discussion with others," says Basso. "Getting the facts about sex, knowing the facts and being able to share them is vital. It gives you the confidence you need to initiate and engage in a discussion that you might otherwise not have had."

Books can also help guide parents on how and when to bring up sexual matters.

Discuss porn and other sexually graphic materials. More specifically, discuss the distortions of sexuality that pornography promotes, says Milburn. "This is different from just saying that pornography is 'bad.'"

Instead, talk about how pornography usually glamorizes sex or even makes it look more brutal or outrageous than it typically is. The idea is to offer your kids a reality check.

Milburn notes that one study found that individuals exposed to a high level of pornographic videos (for example, one hour a week for six weeks) were significantly less satisfied with their sexual partner's attractiveness and sexual adventurousness, less interested in being in an emotionally committed relationship, and less interested in having children.

Validate kids' feelings. As early as possible, support kids in learning to know what they think, feel and value. Kids who are smart about sex (and have healthy and fulfilling sex lives as adults) are those who have skills that apply to good human relationships in general. They're able to empathize with others and also accurately imagine the effects of their behavior on other people.

Furthermore, people well-grounded in their sexuality are those who are most aware of what they feel, says Conrad. "They don't lie to themselves, they don't pretend to feel what they don't, they're not confused."

Many parents, though, unwittingly encourage kids to be dishonest about what they feel from toddlerhood on. A classic example is a young child who says he hates his brother and wishes he were dead. "Many parents get scared and shocked," Conrad says, "and immediately respond, 'That's not true! You don't hate your brother! Go give him a hug.'" But if you'd like to raise kids who are in touch with their feelings (and eventually their sexuality), it would be wiser to communicate to your child that while he will not kill his brother it's OK to be mad. The idea is to leave room for your child to have and recognize all feelings, including negative ones.

Work on your own relationships. "We found in our research that adolescents take their cues from their parents when it comes to sex," says Conrad.

This means that if you're hooking up indiscriminately online or engaging in sex-only relationships, don't be surprised if your kids model that behavior.

Of course, the opposite is also true. Show them a loving, affectionate relationship and they're likely to seek the same for themselves.

Victoria Clayton is a freelance writer based in California and co-author of the forthcoming book "Fearless Pregnancy," due out in November from Fair Winds Press.

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