My hubby’s bad odor has turned me off sex!

Q: I have no desire for sex with my husband because of his bad personal hygiene. He has a strong body odor when he sweats, and a strong oral odor. He wears the same clothes every day after work until I put them in the laundry.

How can I increase his concern with cleanliness so we can be close again?

A: Use positive reinforcement. That is always easier for somebody to accept than criticism, especially if your topic — such as body odor — is a delicate one.

So when he steps out of the shower, get ready to pounce. Or if he tries to have sex without bathing, say, “I have a sexy idea -- let’s go in the shower and I will soap you up.”

Then, as you are having sex when he is freshly clean, let him know you love how he smells, and that his clean smell turns you on.

That will let you, a day or two later, say, “When you don’t bathe, it affects me sexually.” Do this at a non-romantic time, like during dinner or in the car.

Your husband might not notice the odor or it might not bother him. But tell him it is a turnoff to you — and re-emphasize how much you enjoy him when he smells fresh and just-showered.

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The same goes for bad breath. After he brushes his teeth, give him a big kiss and tell him how much you love to kiss him when he has just brushed his teeth. The idea, again, is positive reinforcement.

You can strengthen your message by buying mouthwash, toothpaste, loofahs and other bathroom items. Then suggest strongly that you want him to use them: “I got this new mouthwash with a really wonderful smell, and it is a turn-on to me when you use it.”

The overall message, of course is that if he wants to have sex with you, you need him to smell better. This works for most men, since most men want to have sex.

There is another possibility, though, that you should consider — that this is his way of avoiding sex. If he is trying to keep you at bay, the problem goes way beyond smell.

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After you have tried the positive reinforcement and he still avoids regular bathing and tooth-brushing or he just plain seems uninterested in having sex with you, you should gently confront him. Ask him whether he is avoiding sex and if so, why. Is it performance anxiety, anger at you, loss of desire? If so, you should try to talk about it and, if necessary, seek the help of a professional familiar with such issues.

Another matter to take into account: People have different thresholds for cleanliness. Some like only the subtlest of body odors, while others don’t mind a stronger odor. (In fact, some women find it “manly” and sexy.) Some like heavy perfumes and others prefer more natural smells.

And then there is the possibility that you are annoyed your husband doesn’t share your standards (although he may be quite acceptable to someone else). You have a right to your feelings, but you cannot just make something bother him because it bothers you. So you may have to become less rigid. Search within yourself. If he wears the same dirty clothes all the time but it really isn’t like being next to the town dump, let him. If you want those clothes clean but he doesn’t care, just gather them up and put them in the laundry.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: You can let your husband know, kindly, that certain aspects of hygiene are important to you, and that he must work on some changes in order to have sex with you. Or, if you take a hard look at the situation and decide that it isn’t really too bad, try to come to a compromise that works for both of you.

Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” Her new book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,”  was recently published by Riverhead Books. For more information, you can visit her Web site, www.drgailsaltz.com.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific medical or psychological advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand their lives and health. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist. Copyright ©2004 Dr. Gail Saltz. All rights reserved.

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